Chapter 16
Shannon
The last of her cigarette disappeared into the ashtray. Shannon firmly crossed her arms and contemplated the last of her salad on her plate. Across from her, Kelsey finished her impromptu call and finally put her phone away.
“Christ,” she muttered. “Sorry about that, Shan. My boss is such a tyrant. I’m surprised she didn’t yell at me to come into the office right this minute.” She sat back and lit her own cigarette. Bless the few restaurants in Portland that offered outdoorandsmoking seating. There weren’t enough of them. Almost enough to make Shannon consider quitting. Again.
I had almost quit before Andrew dumped me. Then it was right back to buying my favorite kind and smoking half a pack a day.She had cut them back to only two or three a day. At her peak, she was down to one a day. Then one every other day. Willpower only went so far, however, when her heart crumbled.
Not that she should give Andrew that much credit, of course. The manreallydidn’t hold much of Shannon’s heart. More like he had a hold on the rest of her. A spell woven when a woman was desperate enough to be taken so she didn’t have to face a single life, let alone… well,alone.Look at her. She had barely made it two months before she was throwing herself at Jess, of all people!
“No worries.” Shannon fought the urge to light another cigarette. That would’ve been too much like their old college days. Two gals, being pals and smoking cigs around campus.We thought we were so fucking cool when we were twenty.Shannon was appropriately embarrassed now. Was Kelsey?
“So…” Kelsey leveled her gaze on Shannon from behind a pair of designer sunglasses, one of her most recent purchases since receiving a raise at work. “What did you want to chat about? You sounded downright fucked on the phone. Andrew coming back aroundagain?”
Shannon wished she had never brought up Andrew’s visit. She wanted him firmly in her past, where he belonged. Hard to get rid of ghosts when assholes kept summoning them. “No. I wanted to talk about Jess.”
Kelsey scoffed, smoke blowing so quickly out of her mouth that she looked like a steam locomotive barreling down the tracks. “What is that creep doing now? Is she showing up at your door? Look, if you know where she’s hanging, stop going there. It’s not worth the drama she carts around with her.”
“She’s not a problem. I’m the problem.”
Kelsey remained silent.
“You know… I was serious when I said she was never predatory or anything. All the problems I ended up having with her were my own fault.”
“Don’t tell me it’s about what happened in college.”
“How can it not be?”
“Just ‘because you caved and fucked a chick in college doesn’t make you gay. If it did, we’dallbe queers.” Kelsey hooted in laughter. “We are in Portland, after all.”
“Well, you’re right about one thing.” Shannon already regretted this. “I did fuck a chick in college. I also really liked it.”
“Ugh.”
“When did you become so damned homophobic? Why are you only a bigot when it comes tomylove life?”
“I ain’t homophobic! Seriously, how dare you.” Kelsey puffed on her cigarette while their neighbors at the restaurant side-eyed them. “I’m down with the gays, but you ain’t gay, and you shouldn’t confuse yourself. I love you too much to let you do that.”
“How would you know if I’m queer or not?”
“Because Iknowyou, Shan!” Another scoff that could’ve caused an earthquake if Kelsey breathed hard enough. “You’re one of the straightest girls I know!”
“But how do you know? Were you there when I had sex with another woman?”
“Uh, I was there for that threesome you were too drunk to remember.”
“I can’t believe this.” Shannon had been waiting for a box for the rest of her salad, but she didn’t think she could stand to be there a moment longer. She threw her jacket on and stood with no further ceremony. “I know you had a massive crush on me, Kels, but don’t take your jealousy out on Jess. I’d think you’d want me to be happy. Jess would’ve been if I ended up with you.”
Kelsey dropped her cigarette into the ashtray. “Excuse me, what?”
Don’t front with me, Kels.Shannon had always known that her best friend wanted to be more than friends. She had patiently waited for Kelsey to come out to her, but someone had internalized so much homophobia – particularly toward lesbians – that it would’ve taken a miracle for Kelsey to admit she liked girls. She was so defensive about it, too. Constantly going on about guys she thought were hot, while hiding pictures of half-naked women in her desk.I found them after an earthquake opened her drawers and she wasn’t around.Shannon had regarded it with only mild interest. Sort of like,“Oh, she’s like that? Cool.”Maybe she had sat and stared at those half-naked women too. Back then, she had told herself it was nothing but curiosity. Now, she knew. There was attraction.
“Don’t lie to me, Kels. The reason you dislike Jess so much is because you’re jealous.”
“You’re delusional. I’m not into girls. At all.”
“You think I don’t remember your ex-girlfriend from senior year?”
