Chapter 15
Jess
“I swear to God,” Jess said, face pressed against the bar, “the world wants me to die by her hand.”
Amanda shook the ice in her glass. The quiet murmur of a Southwest bar long after happy hour encouraged them to continue their half-drunken conversation of past loves and how they fucked everyone up. “It’s pretty messed up that you went through all of that in college, and now she’s like… randomly here getting all buddy-buddy with you.”
“That’s the rub, man!” Jess popped up on her stool. “Women like herneverwant to be your friend, let alone your lover! Their role is to like… fuck you up. Make you realize crazy things about yourself. Give you a good story to tell your friends at the bar a few years later.”
“Like now?”
“Yes,duh!” Jess finished the rest of her rum and Coke. “Shannon Parker is the kind of ghost of horny pasts who is supposed tostaya ghost. You know, sometimes I swear I saw her around town. Not really, you know? Just women who kinda reminded me of her. Because you never forget the first woman who fucked you the hell up.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” Amanda wanted to cheer to that, but Jess was in no condition to pick up her empty glass. “Anyway, what do your cards and horoscopes say about her? Don’t tell me you haven’t asked them.”
“’Course I asked. What do you think I’m asking them every few seconds?”
“Every few seconds, huh?”
“The most I can get out of anything is that I need to be cautious and I’ll always be disappointed by everything. Like… duh! Be careful! Disappointment around every corner! Who fucking knew?”
“It’s almost like that stuff ain’t real, huh?”
“It’s just supposed to be advice in the end.”
“Advice for what?”
“Life.”
Amanda’s eyes remained on Jess as she ordered another drink.I never drink more than one. I barely finish the one I do get at bars.Jess didn’t abhor alcohol, but she was a super lightweight who honestly could not stand the taste. She wanted more Coke than rum in her drink, for instance. That she was already on her second drink meantShannon Parkerhappened. Only a woman of that caliber could send Jess into this sort of tailspin.
“What happened, exactly?”
Jess stared into the swirling abyss of her fresh drink. “Huh?”
“With this Shannon girl. What happened that was so bad? Something you absolutely could not forgive her for?”
“It’s not that Ican’tforgive her,” Jess muttered. “More like it would be a really stupid idea to forgive her. I don’t want to be set back like that. I moved on, okay?” She smacked her hand against her forehead. “I moved on!”
“Clearly.”
“You wanna know what happened?” Jess sipped her drink. This one had way more rum than the last one. “You know why looking at her is one of the most painful things in the world?”
Amanda exchanged looks with the bartender, a young man who hung around a little too close, as if this were the juiciest story he had heard all week.I don’t care if he hears it. I want the whole world to know what it’s like to get your heart ripped out and stomped on by a woman with the power to ruin you.“Sure,” Amanda said. “Lay it all on me.”
Jess collected her thoughts before letting them slip free from her lips.
***
Memory #15
I didn’t see Shannon for over a month. Not until early December, when everyone geared up for finals.
After she stood me up that night in October, I wasn’t in a hurry to meet her again. She had become a woman I needed to admire only from afar. A crazy beauty who had the power to stomp on my heart if I let her. Considering how busy I was in real life, I couldn’t let that happen.
She would never want me as much as I wanted her. She would never look at me with awe the way I beheld her. It was the curse of a silly baby lesbian falling in love with a girl destined to break a butch’s heart. Ha! I say that like I was a butch. God knew I tried, but I looked too silly to be taken seriously. Short hair and flannel was as far as I could go without making myself laugh at my reflection.
Every time I thought of Shannon, I laughed. Not for the same reasons.
