“You have decent-sized birthing hips.” The woman stared at my body like I was a piece of meat. “Perfect for making lots of grandchildren.”
Wait… birthing hips? Grandchildren?
Oh, okay. This was Charlie’s mother… aaaaand, for some reason it felt even worse that Charlie had brought his mother on a first date than if he had been trying to spring a polyamorous relationship on me.
This woman had just met me. Was she really already sizing me up as a potential incubator for her progeny? Was I nothing but a convenient little body to pass down her genetic material?
“How many grandbabies do you want, Mother Dear?” Charlie squeezed his mother’s hand.
“No less than three,” she said seriously, as if it were her choice and her decision. As if this was anywhere near an appropriate conversation to be having in front of someone they just met for the first time.
Oddly enough, this was too weird to make me mad. This didn’t feel real.
Never in my wildest scenarios of all the things that could go wrong, did I ever consider that a date would think that it would be a good idea to bring their fertility-obsessed mom.
Where would things even go from here? Would she be part of the honeymoon? Would she move into our house? Would she sleep in our bed, monitoring the two of us to make sure that we got a good start on making all of those grandchildren?
I doubted that this was the right way to approach this, but I figured since this was the weirdest thing that had ever happened to me, I might as well roll with it. I mean, for my own entertainment. I’d already decided I was going to never talk to him again after tonight.
“Hello, Charlie. I see that you and your mother areclose.” I was honestly a little unnerved by how close. Charlie’s mom wasliterally stroking his arm and giving him looks with stars in her eyes.
What was worse was that Charlie was treating it like this was totally normal.
“Yeah, it’s a bit of a red flag to me when people don’t have a good relationship with their parents.” Charlie said with a completely straight face.
His mother was still leaning against him, looking very smug and comfortable.
“I agree. I love both my moms. I think that I’d miss having them around. We should probably add on an addition to my families’ pack house, so we would never have to be away from them.”
Charlie frowned, clutching his mother’s hand tightly. “We’d have to work something out. But, I completely understand not wanting to move away from my Mother Dear.”
I nodded as if it was the best idea in the world for Charlie and his mother to both move in. None of this seemed co-dependent or out of the ordinary at all.
“Thank you for the compliment about the birthing hips.” I waved down in the general direction of my waist. I didn’t actually know what part of my hips were the birthing part. “Well, I grew up with a big family, so I don’t think that it would be a good idea to have any less than fifteen children.” I wonder how much crazy shit I could get away with saying before the two of them mentioned anything.
I don’t know why it was my personal goal during this date to out-crazy Charlie and his mom, but it definitely beat sitting there awkwardly.
“Did you say fifteen?” Charlie’s dear mother gave her son alook.It was honestly a tad pathetic that Charlie had to be physically alerted to the fact that what I said was a red flag. “We could certainly talk about that.”
“It would be irresponsible of me not to give my Mothers grandchildren—as many as possible. They deserve it,” I said solemnly.
Actually, Momma Rain sat me down and told me that I should always do what was best for me and my body and that I should never let anyone pressure me into having children if I didn’t want them. There was no way that I was going to say somethingreasonable, like that. Not on a date with Charlie and Mother Dearest.
“Do you know how to make an omelet?” Charlie’s mother smiled as if she were checking a mental list when I nodded. “Good, you aren’t one of those deranged feminists. I would hate to see someone who didn’t know how to care for him. Charlie takes an omelet every day for breakfast, with finely chopped bell-peppers, sausage and cheddar cheese. With a light sprinkle of salt.”
“Feminism is a plague on society.” This was the craziest shit to ever come out of my mouth. “Anyway, my goal in life is to become the perfect traditional wife. I am proficient in making twelve varieties of cheese. I have kept my sourdough starter alive for almost four years now, so I am pretty confident that I am ready. Of course, Charlie, it might be best for you to take on a second and third job now to help me pay for our fifteen children. Obviously, I will not be working if I am going to be homeschooling all of them.”
Charlie shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “That seems like a lot of responsibility. I already have a lot on my plate with one job. I just got a promotion to floor manager.”
I shrugged. “You seem like the kind of man who will be able to make enough money to support a family.”
“There might be room for compromise here. Children are just so expensive, and fifteen is quite a lot. Maybe you could startwith five or six, and see how things go from there.” Charlie’s mother chuckled, as if I weren’t serious.
I was dead serious about pretending to be dead serious.
“I thought that you said you wanted grandchildren?” I asked in my sweetest, most confused voice.
“Well, let’s think about this logistically. Inflation has run amok, and groceries and all the things children need have just gotten so expensive. It might be more realistic to think about having fewer children. I could easily help out with taking care of the grandkids so that you could have your own career.” Charlie’s mother already looked unsettled at the thought of managing all these hypothetical children.
