“You did.” I just didn’t expect him to do it with so many different things.
We swim and talk about whatever pops into our heads, sneaking kisses between it all. Right when I think I could see myself jumping in the lake more often, a boat drives by, ruining our good. The loud motor makes me jump and I quickly rush back to land with a worried Silas following behind me. He looks at the rippling water and back at me, grabbing his clothes. Then realization flashes in his eyes when I don’t stop walking until I’m back at the car.
“Oh, Elijah, I’m—”
“Don’t.” I quickly turn around, pointing a finger at him. “You still have no reason to use that word.”
His lips fold in on themselves and I can tell he wants to say it again. She really makes everything feel like his fault, doesn’t she? No wonder he looks so free when she’s not around—when he’s with me. I’m a terrible human being. He makes me too selfish to care. What we have is so consuming my good conscience and morality go out the window. Landon would scold me right now if he could.
“It’s late. I think we passed the swimming curfew,” I say.
“Yeah. I’ll uh, see you later.”
“You can’t disappear from me for too long now that I have your number,” I rush to say.
His lips turn up slightly. “I guess not. I didn’t fully think things through, huh?”
“Nope, and it’s too late to go back now.” Closing the distance between us, I press a chaste kiss to his lips. He slides the rest of his clothes on and slips into his car, waving at me before closing the door.
I wait until he’s out of the parking lot before finally heading home. As I’m driving down my road, my gaze falls to the picture on the dash and I curse under my breath, my heart feeling like barbed wire is wrapping around it. I’m the one who’s sorry now. I forget where I am when I’m with him. I touched him and made him come in the car I bought with my husband, right in front of the damn picture of us.
I bang my hands on the steering wheel as I’m splitting at the seams in my driveway. I’m trapped between two places again—feeling like I’m betraying the man I love while looking forward to more lake meet-ups with Silas.
How long will I be swimming between guilt and want? How long will I keep hating myself for holding on to whatever bit of happiness comes my way in order for me to keep going? At first Silas was a distraction, but now he feels like a chance at living again. Not because he reminds me of my dead husband but because he’s shown me how to enjoy things again. Things I hated when Landon was alive too.
Public affection, messing around in the car, swimming and having sex in my office. I said no to all of the above when it came to my husband, so many times, and yet I don’t remember the last time I used that word with Silas. While I help him to be less sorry, he shows me how I wish I’d said yes so much more in my life.
I get out of the car, my shoes dragging across the concrete from the heavy weight of my body. Silas’s question from his last trip to the bookstore pops into my head as I’m lying down in bed.
What are we even doing? What does this even mean?
Twenty
Silas
I’m in the middle of yard work, sweating and panting when my phone goes off in my pocket.
Elijah: Need any book recommendations today, or to go for a swim at the lake? Or maybe you need to paint a room in your house purple and don’t want to do it alone?
Letting out a soft chuckle, I swipe the sweat from my brow.
Me: I’m pulling weeds and mowing the grass.
Elijah: I’ve been told I’m good at pulling things before. Maybe I can help?
My thumb hovers over the keys, trembling.
Me: Okay. The front of the house is open. You can let yourself inside.
What am I doing bringing him here again? The first time was risky enough. We didn’t do anything but paint a room, but it felt like we did so much more, our small exchanges more intimate than anything I’ve had with my wife in a long time. What if hekisses me out in the open and I can’t pull away when I need to? I don’t think I could get away with telling the nosy-ass neighbor next door he’s a friend from work then.
I take off my gloves and walk inside, pulling off my dirty, damp shirt. The sun has really greeted me with its presence today, feeling wonderful and like a heat stroke waiting to happen at the same time. My gaze stays on the front door as I chug a bottle of water. How fast do I think he’ll get here?
My heart pounds in my chest the more I think about seeing him again. We have to behave ourselves. I need to resist my urges to feel him today. Fuck, will it be hard. It’s all I can think about. All the dreams from before have, for some reason, been put on hold, replaced with memories we’ve created ourselves. Those were my hands in my sleep last night. My moans and heavy breaths. The name he used was mine too.
Come for me, Sunshine.
It’s been two days since we’ve seen each other, and as much as I hated staying away, I needed to figure out what I was going to do about my marriage. Talking to Stacey this morning was a dead end. She rushed off, calling me crazy when I asked her if she still loved me.
