I’m going out of my mind. My obsession with dying has shifted to him. Focusing on either does me no fucking good. I don’t step out of the shower until the water goes cold. My chest feels heavy and my heart is jumping all over the place. Grabbing a towel from the cabinet above the toilet, I dry off and put on some comfortable clothes. They fit me better than before, no longer drooping off my body. I’m better but I feel sicker than ever.
Not wanting to stay home and continue thinking about everything I shouldn’t, I pick up food for Stacey in hopes of surprising her at work. I’ll have dinner with my wife. We’ll talk, spend time together, and my mind will have no choice but to stay where I am—where I belong—with the woman who’s been there with me from the beginning. She’s made me her whole world all this time and I need her to be mine again. All these late and long hours of working are for me.
I’ve been tearing us apart all along without knowing it. We’re strangers because my illness kept her everywhere I wasn’t. Me cheating on her only creates a bigger gap, and if it keeps spreading, I won’t be able to reach her anymore. I have to come clean. Tell her the truth. I’ll get the proper help I need. What if what I need is another new heart? What if nothing will ever get me back to who I was before, no matter what I do? What if I’ve truly lost the old Silas? What if he was lost before and I’ve finally found him?
Pulling up in front of the restaurant, I grab the takeout bag and head inside. One of the server’s immediately meets my eyes when I walk in. “Evening, sir. Table for one?”
“No. I’m actually here to surprise my wife with dinner from somewhere else for a change.”
“Oh, who’s your wife? I’m happy to grab her for you,” the young blond guy says, stretching out his neck to make himself appear taller.
“Stacey.”
“Stacey Adams?”
“Yeah. Is she not due for a break soon?”
Shaking his head, he fidgets with the menus in front of him. “It’s not that. She isn’t here today.”
Knots lodge in my throat. “No? She said she’s been asked to pick up shifts all week. Maybe I’m getting the days mixed up.”
His eyebrows rise. “Are you sure she meant this week? She hasn’t been in since last week and isn’t on the schedule again until next week.”
My blood boils. Easy. There has to be some explanation and you’re not perfect either, remember? Give her some grace, because you’ll sure as hell need it on the receiving end. “That can’t be right.”
“I’m sorry, but maybe you heard her wrong and she’s at the hospital.”
Nodding, I run a hand through my hair. “Yeah, you’re probably right. Thanks for your help.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
Waving him off, I exit the restaurant and send Stacey a text message.
Me: Where are you?
Stacey: At work like I said I’d be. Why? Did something happen?
Me: At the hospital?
Stacey: No, the restaurant. Why? What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing. I guess I got confused is all.
Stacey: It’s because you haven’t been sleeping well. Get some rest. The doctor gave you meds to help with that. Use them. Please. You won’t fully heal if you aren’t sleeping.
Of course she’s blaming my health. She got away with it before. How long has she been lying to me? Where did she really go a week ago when she said she stayed alone at a hotel? Where is she today? Wherever she is, Stacey has been there this whole week instead of where she told me she’d be. Instead of with me.
“We don’t lie to each other.”
She means we didn’t used to. We’d have to be who we were before first. We aren’t anymore, and I’m thinking we haven’t been since long before the surgery. Me being sick and her caring for me was all we had holding us together. It was hard to see before and the distraction keeping us from the truth is no longer there.
If I didn’t know what it was like to kiss Elijah and have his mouth wrapped around me, it would be easier to convince myself the grass isn’t greener on the other side—that once I had him, I wouldn’t want him again. His kiss is with me every day, along with the feel of his warm lips and how our bodies came so easily together. The taste only has me wanting more. So much that my bones feel uneasy and seeing him without touching him only makes me more restless inside.
She was all l knew and Elijah was something different, but there’s more to him than that too. He created a longing inside me, and continuing to ignore it is only causing a fever to burn through me.
Getting into my car, I toss my phone on the driver’s seat. Stacey’s where she truly wants to be, so maybe I should go where I’m being pulled to as well. No longer trying to convince myselfto fight against it, I drive out of the parking lot and head toward The Drunk Librarian.
When I first arrive I park across the way, watching customers enter and leave. It’s been over a week since we’ve seen each other. Pretending not to feel well, and blaming my change in meds, I asked Reese to deliver the lilacs in my place. Being anywhere near Elijah’s husband’s funeral felt wrong—like I was intruding on something—and I was worried my heart would feel more wrong in my chest if I got too close to the body it might belong to.
