I sniffed. ‘I suppose.’
His lips curved into a wide smile. ‘I like it when you’re angry. You’re fierce.’ He paused, tipping his head back to look at the ceiling. ‘I thought about what you said.’
‘And?’ I enquired, when he didn’t continue.
‘And I believe I may have done the wrong thing.’
‘You very definitely did the wrong thing, Vesper, though I think you did it for a good reason.’ I paused. ‘What else?’
‘AndI’m sorry for it,’ he said eventually, with evident reluctance; I wondered how often he’d said the wordsorrybefore. ‘I’ll ask what you want in the future.’ His eyes lowered back to my face, glowing brightly. ‘What is it that you want, lodestar?’
‘Food,’ I said, somewhat mollified. I hadn’t expected an apology at all, let alone agoodone.
He made a dismissive noise. ‘No, what is it youwant? In your …’ He put his hand over his chest. ‘Meat pump?’
‘Heart,’ I corrected, biting my lip so I wouldn’t laugh.
‘Heart, then. What does yourheartwant?’
I looked down at the book in my hand. WhileVanity Fairwas a satire rather than a love story, no one could say that Becky Sharp hadn’t gone for what she wanted.
I considered Vesper’s question. Barely a few months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to answer it, too weighed down with what Ineededto do, rather than what Iwanted.
But now?
Now, I wanted to see things I’d never seen before. I wanted adventure. I wanted to see what else the universe held. I wanted tofly. Tosoar.
And Iwantedin a different way, too. Iwantedin a greedy, possessive way I hadn’t known I was capable of feeling; it was all new, all surprising, all overwhelming, in the best possible way. Though I’d never bought the one-man-one-woman romance our society sold as the ultimate prize, I’d also never considered that I might desire something different.
But I did. Part of my anger at Vesper bringing me back to Earth was the sudden absence of Alcide and Callan. Ifthey’dtaken me away from Vesper, I’d feel the same. I wantedall three of them close;wantedso badly it was turning into something else entirely. With Alcide and Vesper, I knew that feeling – or some of it, at least – was returned; I wanted to discover whether Callan felt the same burning, whether he wanted to slide his fingers over my skin the same way I wanted to be held in his arms again, whether his actions would match the intense promise in his eyes.
It didn’t mean that I’d forgotten my grief for my grandmother. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t still angry about being kidnapped. It didn’t mean that I thought Callan stealing me was right, or validated by the fact that I had feelings for my captors.
But being human meant having all sorts of conflicting emotions, all at once, all the time. I could grieve my grandmother while my heart bloomed with new love. I could recognise that my kidnapping was wrong while that place beneath my ribs ached to be close to Callan. I could resent being held in a cell while being grateful that my freedom from it brought me choices I never would have had otherwise.
I could be angry with Vesper about taking me away while melting inside at his reasons for doing so.
‘I want to see new things,’ I said at last, running my fingers overVanity Fair’s thick spine. ‘I want to meet new beings, live in a different place. I want to learn new ways of doing things, new ways of seeing things, and I don’t want someone telling me that’s not what I want, not what I need.’ I looked up at Vesper; his eyes were burnished gold, glowing brighter by the moment. I swallowed my fear. ‘I want to see new things withyou, learn new things withyou– but not you alone, Vesper. What I feel for all three of you might just be enforced proximity. It might just be lack of choice.’ I rubbed a hand over my chest. ‘But that doesn’t make it any less real. I won’t choose between you.’
Vesper gave a sharp nod. ‘All right.’
I blinked. ‘All right?’
He shrugged. ‘I thought you might say that. And I like them. If that’s the only way I get to keep you, then that’s what needs to happen.’
I stared at him. ‘And that’s it?’
He frowned. ‘What else is there?’
‘I thought you’d argue.’
He snorted. ‘It goes against my nature to share. I won’t promise to be good at it, but Iwillpromise to try. Plus, you gave a very good ultimatum. I don’t want you to walk away, brightness. I like touching your light.’ He looked out the window at the sun. ‘Is there anyone here you need to contact?’
I’d thought about trying to find a library to email Claire and Maeve – and our boss, Jessa – but got caught up on what I could possibly say.Hi, I’m so sorry I didn’t contact you – also, I won’t be back? Was that better or worse than not knowing? Better, I thought, but how could I possibly justify it? Tell them that I’d simply left, rather than been kidnapped –by aliens? Leaving without telling anyone was so impossibly out of character that my friends would never believe it, and nor would Maeve accept an explanation likeI’ve fallen in love but I can never see youagain. She’d call the police, thinking I’d been coerced, the search would continue – I assumed there’d already been one – and I’d leave them with as little resolution as they had now. Unless I could contrive to visit them somehow in the future – but then, what would I say when they asked where I’d been, and what I’d been doing?
There was no good answer; I’d hurt my friends either way.
I swallowed, sorrow blooming in my stomach. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’
