“Slacklining helped you find your center again. You may not have realized it, but with each passing day and week, you’ve been walking the line toward your goal.”
You helped me find my center again. Not a line!
River smiles strangely, like he knows a lot more than I do.
I didn’t text Dad that I spoke. Or James. And, of course not Arizona either. Tonight, I dreamed about her. Basically, I dream about her every night, I think, but tonight was different. In my dream, we were talking, and it felt real and warm, like it couldactually happen. Maybe one day it will, and we’ll find each other again.
See you later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
I miss you, Ari. The Ari you once were.
When I have words again, lots and lots of words, I can explain everything to her. Then she’ll realize that I didn’t lie. Nevertheless, I don’t say anything to my family because it’s not yet proper speech. I stuttered a few words. I know that the way back to silence is easier than the way back to speaking. I would just have to let myself fall into the silence. But that’s not what I want now. I want to speak, but I also want to get rid of the stupid fear of doing so. I don’t want to break out in a sweat or feel my heart pound with every word. I don’t want the overwhelming panic and numb hands.
Of course, I also realize that River is right. The more I talk, the less afraid I’ll be. It was the same with eating and drinking. That’s how it is with everything. Maybe also the line. You just have to do things.
I turn off airplane mode and write my usual message to Dad that I’m okay, without commenting on what he said about Tanner Davenport. Then I write to Mr. Spock.
Stardate: starry night eternal. System: Delta Quadrant, somewhere in Nevada. Please contact me! How are you doing?
Just as I’m about to turn on airplane mode, a message lights up.
I reflexively click on it and hold my breath as I spot Chester in the thumbnail of a video message. Just the look in his water-colored eyes turns my stomach. I glance at River, who’s dismantling the slackline, and take a few steps across the drydesert sand. Except for the narrow oasis on the almost dry river, everything here looks identical—herbaceous sagebrush bushes, orange-yellow sand, a few cacti.
At night, a sky full of stars. Living or dead.
A light breeze blows my hair into my face, and I slip the hair tie from my wrist and tie a braid, then click play.
Chester’s face comes to life, and he looks bitter. “So, Montgomery! Your dad showed us the photo. You’re hanging out with Tanner? Well, I should have guessed that when you both suddenly disappeared! Girls always like sick losers.” He snorts, and I have to close my eyes for a moment so that the sight of him doesn’t make me sick. I hold the cell phone a little further away from me. “You know I only meant well for you back then. I would have looked after you at Kensington. I offered it to you.”
Sure, of course! You would have ‘integrated’ me, and I should have shown gratitude in a special way! Always after school. Motherfucker.
He looks at me seriously, almost worriedly. “Do you know that I’ve been looking for you every day?”
Most likely for your Porsche. And you told my dad a bunch of lies.
He sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “You have to come back, Kansas. Tanner is sick; he’s truly disturbed! He’s going to hurt you! So far, he has hurt everyone he’s had contact with.”
And you haven’t? I want to shout. I’m about to throw my cell phone onto the desert floor when he continues talking.
“He was in the clinic for a long time, and his friends say he’s taking pills. He doesn’t know what it feels like not to be on a trip. Do you know why he was expelled from boarding school back then? Because he snuck out every night to have wild orgies. He got drunk and had sex with hundreds of girls. He might even have some kind of contagious disease... I don’t want to scareyou, but being around him means danger. Come back, Kansas, and we’ll start over.”He smiles without warmth. “The two of us. Then I’ll leave you alone at school, I swear.”
I can’t listen to it any longer without throwing up, but he said what he had to say because this video also self-deletes after playing. I quickly switch on airplane mode.
“Hey!” River puts a hand on my shoulder from behind, and I jump. Shit, I didn’t even hear him approach.
“Hey,” I whisper, completely confused, pocketing the phone and turning around. His eyes shine in the desert sun, and the semi-warm wind blows his hair off his face.
He was in the clinic for a long time, and his friends say he’s taking pills.
Oh, I hate that Chester’s words are stuck in my head. But I know how easily he distorts the truth.
Come back, Kansas, and we’ll start over!
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” River takes my hands and places them on his chest. “Is there any bad news?”
I feel his heartbeat against my palm, that calming rhythm, and shake my head no. I don’t care what anyone else says. I don’t care what some guy named Tanner Davenport once did. This is River McFarley. Maybe Chester is lying about that, too.
