Chapter 19
Something inside me grows quieter, even more speechless, if that’s even possible. It takes seconds for his words to make sense to me, which happens in sequences, one domino toppling the next.
Blood-red lettering flickers in my memory, and I feel the tightness of the old bureau I was hiding under, hearing Chester hiss,“If you don’t come out, you’ll regret it! Don’t say that I didn’t warn you!”
I hadn’t recognized the connections any more than I had recognized River’s scars.
The next domino falls. I see River standing at the edge of the Badlands, peering into the depths. “Better than Old Sheriff, right?” Now I know why I sometimes had such a strange feeling in the beginning that I could never grasp. River has spoken of Old Sheriff several times without me ever mentioning the name. Or so I think. But only an insider would know that name, someone who lives or has lived in Cottage Grove. I was too occupied with myself, but so much makes sense now. That’s why he seemed so familiar to me at first glance, back on the street. I’ve seen pictures of him at the Davenport mansion, at his grandpiano. Only he had a different hairstyle, and his hair was darker and longer. His father is a doctor.
I jump up involuntarily. My hands are shaking so much that I can’t control them.
“What’s wrong, Kentucky?” I hear River ask as if from far away.
I swallow dryly. I can’t tell him that, but equally, I can’t look at him now. Absolute chaos rages inside me. River is Chester’s brother?I borrowed the car, not stole it. Yes, of course! That’s why there was no report about the car! Not out of consideration for me. His name isn’t McFarley, it’s Davenport. And River is definitely not his real first name, even though his friends called him that. A Davenport would never give his son such a hippie name.
He lied.
“Hey!” It sounds impatient, but I don’t care.
Everything around me is spinning, but I still start to run down the ash mountain. The black lunar landscape lies before me like nothingness, but it feels good because my head is so full. I lose my flip-flops but leave them behind as I continue running barefoot.
I hear River calling me.Tucksis a scream that explodes with the wind and fizzles out somewhere above me.
I’m not stopping. I feel nothing. I don’t want to feel anything. I just want to disappear. But after a few steps, I hear footfalls behind me. I gasp, but before I can react, River grabs me by the arm. The pull comes too abruptly, and I stumble and fall, dragging River with me.
Together, we roll down the gravel-like slag slope, but the cinder slows our fall, and we come to a halt after a few feet.
River is the first to sit up. “Can you tell me what’s going on?” He looks at me grimly. Black smut sticks to the creases on hisforehead, nose, and chin. I’m certain I don’t look any better, but that doesn’t matter.
A thousand thoughts run riot in my mind, and I can’t stop them. River is the brother of the boy who has terrorized and tormented me for over twelve months. The reason I was at Old Sheriff.
I sit up and press my fists against my temples. I can’t tell him that. Never!
River places the silver book he apparently collected on my lap. “Write it!” He doesn’t sound like he intends to be lenient.
I shake my head and lower my fists. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. This is all too much! Tears well up in my eyes.
“Kansas!” River grabs my arms and shakes me slightly as if he needs to bring me to my senses. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me! It won’t get any better if you lock everything inside you like a safe. It might make you feel safe, but that’s a mistake.”
Still breathless from my escape and my confusion, I gasp for air. Maybe he needs to find out after all. It’s not his fault his brother is a monster. But maybe he’ll despise me if I tell him. Maybe he’ll push me away. Just now, it sounded like he was attached to his brother. His parents used him as leverage. On the other hand, he once claimed to hate him on the slackline.
“Tucks! Don’t retreat into your mind again! Out with it! On paper if you have to, but I want to know! We’re not leaving, even if we sit here until we’re both petrified.” He loosens his grip but doesn’t let go. I feel the heat of his fingers—a touch between demanding and holding.
I shakily take the notebook and pull the pen out of the holder. I write:Do you know why I wanted to jump?
River laughs, confused and harsh. “How should I know, baby?” The baby flutters in my stomach like a storm of butterflies—despite everything. “Your silence basically turns everything into a guessing game. I know you were bullied byyour classmates. No, much more than that. They tortured you, beat you, and…” his voice drops an octave, “touched you?” He searches my gaze for the truth. He’s brave, I think, because few people would dare to address it in such concrete terms. Nevertheless, I quickly look at the letters in front of me.
“I don’t know the last one for sure.”
Is your brother’s name Chester Davenport?I have to be one hundred percent sure first.
River’s look first registers astonishment and then shock. “You know him.” It’s not a question. He seems to be wondering what this could have to do with my reaction—especially what it triggered. “I stole the Porsche from the parking lot of his stupid private school using the spare key… You go to his school?” He can’t hide the fact that this surprises him, maybe because I don’t look like I come from a super-rich family.
Yes.
“You go to the same private school as my brother… Kensington High,” he repeats dully, shaking his head. Maybe he suspects something, but I don’t think he can imagine the extent of it. I hesitate and then remember his words—that a safe isn’t safe. And that’s kind of true. For all these months, this safe, this not talking about it, didn’t protect me from further attacks. Everyone could only break my soul further and trap even more dirt inside. I’ve never let anything out, but it didn’t protect myself, only the perpetrators.
Chester is the reason I was at Old Sheriff.
