Ri-ver. Ri-ver. Ri-ver.
The ribbon slips gently from my finger, and the crane spins endlessly downward. Because it is so tiny in this vast natural setting, I don’t see it as it’s swallowed by the dark blue waters.
It is simply gone.
Just like you.
That’s it. And, obviously, I’m crying now, even though I promised you I wouldn’t.
One of the unsorted memories flashes through my mind again, like a shower of stars.
“Don’t cry, Tucks, promise me that! Let me go like I let June go, with a scream far above the ground, straight into the sky.” He stands at the precipice, and my burning heart just stops. “Will you promise me that?” he whispers tremblingly in my mind, and of course, I nod. I would have promised him anything.
I have to close my eyes for a moment. Gently, I feel for the white swan on my other wrist and feel the soft paper like a caress.
I miss you, Riv.
I miss you so much. I tell everyone I’m fine, but that’s a lie. I act normal and do normal things. But you’re always with me—in every thought, in every breath. In every moment of life that you gave me. How can I carry on in this life without you?
For seconds, I just stand there and spread my arms. I won’t jump, but I need that feeling of freedom. That I can fly and take off whenever I want when the pain grows to be too much. I close my eyes.
Fall.
Dream.
And in my dream, you’re suddenly with me, wrapping your arms around me from behind and holding me as tightly as you did before you ran off. Tightly, like you would never let me go again.
“I wouldn’t do that,” I hear you say in a rough voice right next to my ear. “Because you can never take it back.”
I can almost feel you. And in this other reality, I wriggle out of your arms, and there you are—tall and broad-shouldered. Your hair is chin-length, blond, and disheveled, and your eyes are as deep blue as a summer sky. You look infinitely familiar.Even the sparkle in your eyes... I can still see it. It’s a spark of life, a laugh, and that’s exactly what I still don’t understand to this day. Because you lived as intensely as if you loved.
“Why?” I whisper the one word—the one question that has bothered me since the end of the summer. “Why? I don’t understand. First, you confess your love to me, and then you jump to your death. That’s...”
“Bizarre?”
I feel tears streaming down my cheeks.
“Oh, Kansas.” You look at me, concerned. “I wanted to make it easier for you, not harder. I wanted you to know how much I love you. I wanted you to know that you were never a project and that it wasn’t because of June.”
“Then why didn’t you jump off Lost Arrow Spire... when you tied me up with the leash?” I sob. “Why did you let me think I saved you, and then jumped anyway? That was cruel!” I raise my arms, wanting to beat your chest with my soft mittens, but you catch my hands and hold them tight, kissing the fabric of my gloves and warming my fingers up.
“What do you think, Tucks?”
“I don’t know!” I want to scream at you that I hate you for that, but of course, that would be a lie.
“I didn’t want you to see it. Because I loved you so much...”
The dream flickers.Loved. Past.
“Riv, I will never understand. Never.”
“Maybe it seemed easier to fly into nothingness than to fall into the black hole that always appeared before me. And maybe you were right—you can only save people who want to be saved.”
Your words resonate and float inside me. “Why didn’t you want to be saved?” I whisper.
“I don’t know. Maybe I truly was sick... I suddenly had this urge to run and jump.” You look at me so openly and honestly that my heart almost breaks in two. It wants to break again overthat one question—or rather, over the fact that my love wasn’t enough to save you.
I look at you, and you let go of my hands, ruffling my hair tenderly—a touch that I miss so much. “You have to let me go now, Tucks. Do you understand?”
