My stomach churns.
“Have you been able to sort everything out between you yet?”
I nod.
“What is it?” He smiles and grabs my hand.
I look at him, and everything hurts. For a few seconds, I consider telling him the truth and running away with him, but then I think that next time, I might not be able to stop him if he wants to hurt himself.
“Thank you,” I whisper and squeeze his fingers tightly.
I don’t need to say anything more. They’re the most important words of all. He already knows that I love him.
We keep walking, and I feel like I’m going to throw up. So, I betrayed him. I’m betraying the guy I love, who saved me, who means everything to me. I inhale the scent of pine and feel completely sick. I hope they’re not standing at the end of the trail with police cars and ambulances. The thought of how they might have to take him into custody by force turns my stomach. He’ll hate me for this, for sure. I carefully glance over at him, but he seems far away in his thoughts. I’m all the more surprised when he abruptly stops in the middle of the trail.
“Hey, Tucks, wait a minute.” He suddenly seems agitated.
We haven’t even reached the Upper Falls yet. “What’s wrong?” A vague fear flutters inside me.
All of a sudden, he wraps his arms around me and hugs me as if he never wants to let me go again, as if he knows we have to part. “Tucks,” he whispers in my ear. “Close your eyes, okay.”
“Okay.” I laugh nervously, but naturally, I do what he asks. The fresh scent of the waterfalls and pine tree resin is in the air. Then I taste his gentle kiss on my lips, and a sweet tug fills my stomach.
“Will you promise me something?” he asks quietly.
“Of course.”
“Pinky swear?”
“Of course!”
Because my eyes are closed, he fishes for my little finger with his. The touch is as gentle and light as wind and so familiar. I feel his gaze on my face, like when he said he wanted to save me.
I blink.
His eyes shimmer suspiciously, glowing in the morning sun. “Don’t cry, Tucks. Okay? Don’t cry...” He lets go of me and slowly backs away.
“River, what’s going on?”
“I couldn’t bear to ever lose you.”
“You won’t.” I walk toward him, blind panic filling me.
“And I could never bear to hurt you. And I would one day... maybe not as River McFarley, but as Asher Blackwell or Tanner Davenport.”
“River!” I don’t know if it’s a scream or a whisper. Horror strangles my throat when I realize it.
“Don’t come after me. You have to promise me that, understand?”
And then he turns and sprints off.
Chapter 31
Two months have passed since that day in Yosemite, but it feels like a lifetime. I’m back home in Cottage Grove. I can hardly believe it myself.
If I fall asleep at all, I end up waking around four in the morning and wandering through the house, driven by a restlessness that makes my heart tighten.
Tonight, after several laps through the living room, hallway, and stairwell, I’m sitting on the kitchen table again and staring out through the tilted window. But all I see is my reflection. My hair is light brown again. Arizona dyed it for me; unfortunately, there’s a green tinge in the daylight, but I didn’t want to be blonde anymore. June was blonde with blonde curls. Zozoo wrote to me and attached a picture that he found in River’s things. In the photo, she’s even wearing a batwing blouse.
