When I nod, she sets up her laptop at the table and clicks open some files. I see soundless shots of Harry at work, at his desk. Harry on the phone. Harry with Alison and the team. Finally, Harry alone, sitting in the office’s meeting room.
She pauses it, and says, ‘You know, I remember Harry a certain way. A bit cocky, good-looking and he knew it … even from just watching you guys on the coach trip. And after … well, I have to confess I had this teenaged-girl idea that you and Alex would get together. As an almost-mature adult now, I know that was just my silly daydreaming, but part of me came here still thinking I might not like Harry …’
‘And it’s impossible not to like Harry, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, damn him!’ she says, laughing as she hits play.
I look at the screen as Em, off camera, asks, ‘What do you mean by that? That you were sleepwalking?’
We’ve obviously come in mid-conversation, at an interesting point.
‘I mean,’ he replies, ‘that I was sleepwalking through life. I thought I knew what I wanted, had it all figured out. But now, when I look back on my life then, I’m not sure I was even enjoying it. I was on autopilot. It was about ticking boxes – the career, the cars, the apartment, the money. It’s like I was competing, all the time. Frankly, I think I was empty, a hollow man, trying to fill up the space with the stuff I thought I needed.’
‘And now you’re not?’
‘I don’t think so – though maybe in ten years I’ll look back on this stage of my life with a critical eye, who knows? I do know that I’m different. I’m not going to be glib and say something like it was the best thing that happened to me – it was horrific. I would prefer not to be in this chair, I’d prefer to be going for jogs and playing rugby and not having to think about accessible toilets. But it did have some positive effects – in some ways, some important ways, it did change me and my life for the better.’
‘In what ways? Give me some examples.’
‘Well, it made me realise how fake my world was. It gave my life, certainly my working life, more value. I lost a lot, but I gained a lot as well. Weirdly, when I look back on that night, the things I regret the most all happened in my life before the earthquake.’
‘Like what?’
‘Ah, where would the mystery be if I told you that? Nothing life-shattering. I’m not a secret war criminal, I don’t have a double life as a CIA assassin. I just … I did things that now make me feel ashamed of myself. I’m sure that’s true for everyone who looks back with reflection on their life, at their younger selves; it’s a natural part of growing up – but with me, because of what happened, it felt like I did that growing up overnight.’
‘Okay. So, looking at those positives – one of them must be Elena. If your life is a before and an after, then Elena has been a constant, hasn’t she? The part of your old life you took with you into your new life.’
Harry smiles and nods. ‘Yes. Elena. She has always been a constant – and I’m not so selfish as to not appreciate what all of this cost her. What sacrifices she made to be at my side when I needed her. My parents too. It didn’t just happen to me – it happened to all of us.’
Em presses a key that pauses the video and Harry’s face freezes on the screen.
‘So,’ she says, when I remain silent. ‘What do you think?’
‘It was good,’ I reply. ‘He’s a natural. I warn you I won’t be like that. I’ll stutter, and forget words, and laugh at inappropriate moments. By the end of this process the world will assume Harry was my carer, not the other way round.’
As we chat, I can’t stop thinking about what it was that Harry regretted so much. What mysteries he is alluding to.
When you’ve spent years helping a man deal with his toilet requirements and testing wheelchair ramps with him, it’s easy to be consumed by the practical – the logistics of life are all-consuming, and navigating a path through his physical needs was not easy. Converting the bungalow to make it Harry-friendly, managing the medications and appointments, sourcing equipment – it felt like a full-time job.
Everything became about that. About coping. About adapting. About dealing with the frustrations of how people treated him – the fact that being in a wheelchair rendered him invisible, the way people would talk to me over his head as though he didn’t exist.
Now, he is so strong, so independent – but I have to acknowledge that I have rarely seen him as a creature of mystery. As a deep thinker, or as someone who carries around regrets or shame. He’s simply never talked to me about that – and I have never asked. I have accepted him at face value, which is perhaps unfair.
‘Okay,’ I add, as Em continues to give me a slightly disappointed look. ‘It wasn’t just good – it was great. Enlightening. And it was odd, hearing him talk like that. It’s making me wonder if this whole project is going to be like that for us – if we’ll learn more about what we both really think and feel talking to a camera than we have by being married for all these years.’
‘It’s more common than you’d think,’ replies Em, shutting down the laptop as if to banish Harry from the room. ‘Sometimes it’s cathartic, and allows people to revisit things safely.’
I manage a nod, but have no idea if it will be that way for me. What I will say, or what I won’t say. How I will react.
Ollie walks towards us, lays a hand on Em’s shoulder. She leans into it, her cheek briefly touching his skin. It is such a small gesture, but it says so much – this is a couple who are truly in love.
‘Right,’ says Em, grinning at me. ‘Are you ready for your close-up?’
Chapter 21
We set up in the kitchen, at the big table, lots of natural light coming in from the garden.
There’s a large camera set up on a tripod, and there are wires snaking around the floor attached toLEDpanels for lighting. I have a tiny microphone on my collar, which makes me feel like I’m someone important like Madonna’s bodyguard, and another attached to the camera.
