I warmed up without him too because he was on the phone with Quinton, his boyfriend, but now I get why. I had food poisoning last year during one of the last race weekends of the season, and it was not fun. It was even worse because Val got into the worst crash Formula One has seen since Gabriel’s godfather, Maxime, crashed and passed away from his injuries.
F1 is fun and exhilarating and a thrill until it’s not.
Until it’s dark and terrifying and life-threatening.
Almost losing my sister last year broke something inside of me I haven’t been able to mend yet, which is probably why I’m a little clingy when it comes to her these days. I mean, I’ve always been a little clingier when it comes to her because she’s my favorite person, but watching that crash from the hospital bed, feeling powerless and useless? It’s been stuck with me ever since it happened. Whenever I look at my sister, when I see those scars on her skin left behind, the feeling resurfaces.
“Adrian?” Chloe’s voice fills my ears, but I don’t move. I can’t. I’ve spiraled into the darkest of memories and I kind of need a hug right now.
“Adrian, what’s going on? You’re usually more level-headed than this,” Daniel says, and I manage to lift my head to look at him.
All I have to do is drive the car to the first place position on the grid. Then, I can get out again while the world of Formula One counts down to the first race of the season. Then, I can go see my sister.
Yesterday was Qualifying. It consists of three sessions. Q1, Q2, and Q3. Each time one of the first two sessions ends, five of the drivers get knocked out of Qualifying. In Q1, we position ourselves anywhere from position sixteen to twenty. In Q2, anywhere from eleven to fifteen. Q3 is where it gets most exciting. The top teams compete for the pole position, which means whoever manages to snatch that position will start first the following day for the race. The rest of the ten drivers will position themselves anywhere from two to ten. All of this is to determine the starting grid for the race. Today’s starting grid is me, Gabriel, fucking Lincoln, Kyle, James, Grant, Val, Leonard, Cameron, and then the rest of the drivers.
Yeah, I got the first pole position of the season.
I’mthatgood.
“Just drive the car to its place, and then we can figure out how to get your head back inside your body,” Daniel says with a light-hearted smile, which I somehow manage to return.
That’s who I’m supposed to be, after all. The fun guy. The one who makes everyone smile and laugh, feel good about themselves. I’m not supposed to tear them down. There are only very few people I allow myself to be vulnerable with. Val, James, Gabriel, and my newest addition, Nevaeh.
I shudder a little at the thought, as I remember the night at her home when I told her things I hadn’t ever shared with someone I was as attracted to as I am to her. It’s easier when feelings aren’t involved. Everything’s easier when you ignore the most vulnerable part of yourself: your heart.
Since when did I stop seeking the easy route?
You can’t live without your brain. Once that’s gone, you’re done. But you can live without your heart beating inside of your chest for a few minutes before it kills your brain. In those few seconds, there is nothing but agony. Deep pain that floods your entire system. That’s not the way I want to die.
I’d rather have the quick death of getting shot in the head, thanks.
“Alright, let’s go,” I say and take my gloves and helmet from Daniel.
Once I’ve zipped up my racing suit, slipped my fingers inside my gloves, and placed my helmet on my head, I make my way into my car. My seat is cold and hard, forcing reality back inside my head instead of lingering on the past or fearing the future because of Nevaeh.
I drive the car to my spot on the grid, getting out just in time to see my team approaching me. Daniel is by my side again, waiting for me to hand him my things and get ready to listen to the Bahrain national anthem.
It’s part of every race weekend for all of the drivers to stand with the person performing the anthem to show our respect for the country hosting the race. It also gives me time to find my sister and my soon-to-be brother standing off to the side, talking about something I can’t hear.
Val is looking at Gabriel with so much concentration, I realize he’s telling her everything she needs to remember about this track. Not the things my sister already knows, but probably how the drivers on our grid treat each other during this race.
My heart stutters at the thought of her racing today. At the thought that something else could happen to her. I wonder if that’s how she always felt when she was watching me race from my box.
“Don’t talk her ear off, Gabriel. She’ll need it to listen to Scarlette instruct her during the race,” I tease, and my sister grins while my teammate scowls at me.
“She needs to know these things,” he points out, and I notice the tension in his shoulders. The way every muscle in his body is flexing to hold off that gut-wrenching fear of Val getting into another accident.
He’s as terrified as I am.
“Did you also tell her how fucking aggressive Lincoln is? I didn’t get into it with him often last season because he was at the back of the grid a lot, but the three times we raced, he didn’t hold back. He pushed me off the track every chance he got,” James chimes in as he approaches our little group.
He smiles down at Val and places a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it comfortingly. No doubt he can see how tense I am the same way I see it in Gabriel.
“Yeah, I told her,” Gabriel replies, giving James, the man he despises a little less but still fucking hates after all this time, a curt nod.
“I also already studied him and Grant by watching last year’s races from their views. They are the two new drivers of the top teams, so I prepared myself, along with studying every other driver on this grid,” Val defends and places her fists on her hips. She tied her racing suit around her waist in the same way Gabriel and James have, and when I look down at my body, I realize I didn’t.
No wonder I’m sweating my balls off.
