“Can’t… fucking… breathe…” I manage to croak out, dropping down a wall as soon as Nevaeh closes the door to where she brought me. “Feels… like… I’m dying.”
“Okay, it’s alright, baby. You’re having a panic attack. You’re not dying, and I’ve got you. Let’s breathe together,” she says before telling someone, I hope it’s Daniel, to get her some ice. “Ready,mein Mond?” she asks, touching my cheek and making me realize just how hard I’m pressing my eyes shut. The way she addresses me,my moon, brings me back into the moment with her, allowing my eyes to flutter open.
There’s a comforting smile on her face as I look at her.
“I’ve got you and I’m not going anywhere. We’ll breathe together, and you’ll find your way back into your body, regain control. Okay?”
The way she’s so calm, so well-versed in what the fuck is happening to me, settles me enough to nod. She takes my shaking hand in hers and presses it to her chest, letting me feel her steady heartbeat. Nevaeh places her hand on my chest, grounding me.
“I’m here. You’re going to be okay. Take one big inhale for me, hold it, then exhale.”
“I can’t,” I say, more tears streaming down. I can’t stop crying either. Everything hurts. Everything burns inside of me.
“Yes, you can.”
Daniel reappears with an ice pack in his hand, and Nevaeh lifts my fireproofs enough to press it against my chest without any warning. The cold sends a shock to my system until I’m hissing out another breath.
“Fuck’s sake, baby,” I groan, my head falling backward against the wall.
“Breathe in,” she says, taking a deep breath with me. “Hold.” I hold my breath. “Exhale.” Through gritted teeth, I expel it, but she doesn’t stop there. She makes me repeat the same three steps until my panic subsides enough to stop my body from shaking. Nevaeh eventually removes the ice pack, handing it to a very concerned Daniel. “Can you give us a minute?” my girlfriend asks sweetly, softly, her voice soothing me all over again.
“Of course,” my performance coach and friend says, stepping out of what I just now realize is a break room.
“Talk to me. What triggered it?” she says, rubbing a gentle hand over my chest.
The events leading up to my panic attack spill from my lips without hesitation. Nevaeh’s eyes grow dark at my explanation.
“I’m gonna kill him. I’m going to ask him to meet me somewhere private, trick him into a box, nail the lid shut, and throw it into the ocean.” I can’t help but chuckle at her plan. My fingers wrap around the hand she’s still holding against my chest, lifting it to press a kiss to her knuckles.
“What if he’s right? What if I’m not good enough? What if everything my father and grandfather were as racers was all given to Val and none of it to me?” I ask, so she moves forward until she’s straddling my lap and able to cup my face in her hands.
“I hear you. Your feelings are valid,” she says, and I furrow my brows at her, a little smile covering my face.
“But?” I reply, running my hands from her hips to her ass.
“But I would like to smack some sense into you, Adrian. You are a phenomenal driver. When I watch you race, I can’t look away. You mesmerize me. You’re aggressive but fair. Respectful but determined. Talented but also skilled. Youdeservethe championship. You are good enough. Don’t let Lincoln project his insecurities onto you. He’s not good enough. He hardly had to work for his seat. Yes, he’s a good driver, but he’s also a cheater. He’s already got enough penalty points to last a season. He’s a dick,” she says, making me snort a little but mostly smile at her because her reassurance of my ability as a racer means way more to me than Lincoln’s degradation of it.
“I love you, mon paradis,” I blurt out, telling her I love her for the second time in twenty-four hours. It’s a strange realization, knowing I’ve never done that with anyone but my sister and once James. I could fall in love with her time after time, life after life. Over and over because once isn’t nearly enough.
“I love you endlessly,mein Mond.” Then, she kisses me, and all my grief, all the pain in my chest, goes back to its proper place in my head. “I need you to promise me something,” she says against my lips, leaning back enough so her brown eyes are on mine. I trace the freckles painted over the bridge of her nose and cheeks.
“Anything.”
“Don’t ignore your grief. I tried to ignore mine after my injury. It doesn’t work forever. It will come out in moments like these, through panic attacks and anxiety, maybe even depression.” I nod because she’s right. I can’t hide from it forever. I can’t ignore it either. “I’ll help you. I’ll catch you when you fall because you’re allowed to take the time to fall apart.”
More tears jump into my eyes.
“I am?” She strokes my jaw, then runs her thumb over my bottom lip.
“You are. One more race until the summer break, until you can take a breather,” Nevaeh assures me.
“What if I don’t win today?” It feels like if I don’t snatch the win, if I can’t win this race, I’ll lose the championship altogether. It’s a stupid thought, but after the hit my confidence took today, I’m not sure I can dismiss it either.
“You’re Adrian Romana. You get back up after getting knocked down, brush the dust off your magnificent ass, and try again,” she says, standing up and holding out her hand.
“You like my ass? All my hard work has finally paid off!” I celebrate, watching her laugh at my comment before letting her help me up.
My arms wrap around her once I’m upright, hugging her to my chest.
