Mama, Papa, Nova, and Aileen are all standing in my apartment, inspecting it with various degrees of disapproval or excitement. Mama looks personally offended by how small it is, Papa is murmuring something about how practical the space is, Nova is horrified by the size of my bathroom—big enough for one person but tiny in comparison to the one she has—and Aileen is signing how wonderfully charming she finds everything.
We had a very awkward dinner where my mother and I didn’t speak and Nova couldn’t stop talking to fill the awkward tension with conversation. I love my sister, I do, but it didn’t help. The looks I got from Mama were enough to tell me she still hasn’t forgiven me for this decision, for choosing to live my life the way I want to, not the way she thinks I should.
“I will personally pay you monthly so you can move into a place with a bigger bathroom,” Nova calls out before a dramatic gasp escapes her. I translate what Nova said to Aileen, and she giggles at her girlfriend’s words. “You only have one drawer for your bathroom things?”
“Leave my bathroom alone,” I say as Papa walks up to me and wraps an arm around my shoulder. I lean my head on his torso, listening to the steady beat of his heart.
“I can’t believe you live here,” Mama says, scrunching her nose up in disgust. “You had a house, a home with so much space, and you gave it all up for…this?” Aileen frowns at my mother, so I place a hand on her shoulder to assure her it’s okay.
“Yes,” I say, not hesitating.And I’m happy, I add, signing the words because if I said them out loud, I have a feeling it would hurt her more.
My mother has been many things for me in my life. A friend, someone to lean on when times got tough, a patient listener when my anxiety first started. She’s been overbearing and controlling too, but she’s never been cold. That’s not who she used to be to me, but she’s grown so fucking cold, I don’t know what to do anymore.
“There’s something you wanted to discuss with me,” Papa chimes in, hugging me a little before stepping away to stand in front of me and block my view of Mama.
“It’s work-related,” I say, hoping he hears in my voice that I want to discuss what happened in private. I give Papa a look when he furrows his brows at me, and understanding washes over his features.
“Then, let’s go get some ice cream and discuss. I’ll see you all back at the hotel,” he announces to Mama, Nova, and Aileen, signing the words with his hands at the same time.
We all make our way outside of my building, Nova and Aileen hugging me goodbye and telling me they’re excited to spend the day together tomorrow. Mama simply disappears into the taxi, not looking back once.
My heart hurts a little now.
“Will she ever forgive me?” I ask Papa, and he holds out his arm for me to take.
“She doesn’t see how successful you are yet, so she thinks you made the biggest mistake of your life. But, everywhere I go during the race weekend, I hear people praising you. ‘The young journalist who has exceeded everyone’s expectations,’” he says, and half a smile tugs on my lips. “She wants you to move back home, but I can see now how well you’ve been handling everything. I’m so proud of you,” Papa goes on, and I squeeze his arm.
A tear slips down his cheek, but he wipes it away quickly.
“It’s just hard for both of us that you’re not around, which doesn’t mean that you should move back. It’s just, you grew up so fast, and we miss you.”
My own tears stream down now. I want to respond, but it takes me a second to get rid of the lump in my throat.
“I miss you both a lot. There is still so much I need you both for, things that have me tossing and turning all night that I can’t seem to answer for myself. I will always need you, no matter what,” I point out, and he nods, his eyes fixed on the street in front of us.
“Then tell me, what has you tossing and turning?” Papa asks as we make our way toward the gelateria.
“My boss has been hiding that new tennis players have signed withGriffin Sportsto have articles written like the ones I write for the Formula One drivers. She told me she didn’t know, but I have a feeling she’s lying to me,” I explain.
“Why do you think that?” He looks down at me, his face void of any emotion.
“Because these are famous tennis players, top tennis players. They’re probably paying a lot of money to get these exclusives. How would she not know about this for two weeks?” I ask, and he nods, clearly agreeing with my train of thought. “I wanted a job in the tennis department, but they didn’t have a spot for me. Now they do. I’ve proven to be a good journalist. There’s no reason for her to keep this from me,” I say, frustrated all over again.
“Maybe there is one that she didn’t want to share with you,” he guesses, shrugging a little. “Give her some time. Now she knows that you know. She won’t be able to hide it from you anymore,” Papa adds, and I already feel a lot better now, having spoken to him.
“Yeah, you’re right. Thank you,” I say as we stop in front of the gelateria.
“Your mom will come around too.” I appreciate his reassurance, but, right now, it feels like I’m the villain in her story, and I’m not even sure I want her to forgive me.
There shouldn’t be anything to forgive.
Maybe if I say it a few more times, I’ll stop feeling so guilty.
Chapter 50
Adrian
Leonard,James,Cameron,Gabriel,and Damian are staring at me. I notice it too late after I’ve already grinned at my fucking phone because Nevaeh told me she can’t wait for our date tomorrow. We haven’t seen each other in days because her family is visiting, and I miss her already.
