“And I gave in,” I admitted, the words tumbling out in a rush.“We were together.Intimately.”My pulse hammered against my skull.
The priest hesitated, then said slowly, “Desire is natural.There is nothing unnatural about what you feel, even if it is for another man.But the sin, my son, comes when those inclinations are acted upon outside the bonds of matrimony.”
My fists clenched so hard my nails bit into my palms.A flare of heat burned in my chest.“Outside the bonds of matrimony?”I hissed.“You mean the matrimony your church refuses to allow me?”
A weary sigh filtered through the screen.“That is correct.”
Something inside me snapped.I leaned forward, my breath coming fast, my voice rising.“So let me get this straight.The Church says my desires are natural, but I must smother them.Deny them.Live my life celibate, alone, unloved—because of rules written two thousand years ago by men who never even dreamed of someone like me?”
“My son—”
“No!”My voice shook, raw and sharp.“Do you hear yourself?You’re telling me to lock my heart in a box, throw away the key, and call it holy.You’re telling every gay person alive that they don’t deserve the love you hand out so freely to straight people.And you think that’s God’s will?”
The priest tried again, his tone dipping into well-worn scripture.“Saint Paul speaks clearly about—”
“Don’t you dare quote scripture to me!”I spat, slamming my palm against the wooden divider so hard it rattled.“I know the Bible.I’ve lived my whole damn life in its shadow.And I’m telling you, the God I worship—if He’s even listening—would never demand such cruelty.Never.”
The silence after my outburst was thick, suffocating.My breath came in ragged gasps.
I shoved the door open, the creak of hinges startlingly loud.“This is wrong,” I said, my voice low but trembling with fury.“The Church is wrong.And I won’t chain myself to its lies anymore.”
Then I bolted—out of the booth, down the aisle, past the grotesque crucifix glaring down from the rafters.My footsteps thundered in the cavernous sanctuary until I burst through the heavy wooden doors into the blinding daylight.
I stood outside the heavy doors, my chest heaving, the warm sunlight too bright, too clean after the suffocating dark of the confessional.My hands rose to my face almost without thinking, and I found my cheeks wet.The tears surprised me—I hadn’t even felt them start.They burned as if my body were purging something I hadn’t managed to let go of inside.I wiped at them roughly, ashamed, furious, not sure who the anger was aimed at anymore—myself, the priest, the God I’d spent my whole life trying to serve.
I turned back toward the stairs, toward the stone facade that had once promised safety, and spit hard on the steps.The sound echoed faintly in the quiet noon air.For a moment, I wanted the earth to split open and swallow the whole damn place.My shoulders sagged, and despair crept in, heavy and unrelenting.Noah’s face came to me then—his smile, the way his touch had made me feel like I wasn’t broken.But how could he forgive me?I’d slipped out of his bed like a coward in the middle of the night.
Would he ever want to see me again?
ChapterTen
Noah
Song of Songs 3:4- I found the one my heart loves.I held him and would not let him go.
* * *
I sat on the edge of the couch with my elbows on my knees, staring at the pile of clean laundry I hadn’t bothered to fold.My chest felt heavy, like all the air had been sucked out of me since Henry left in the middle of the night.I should’ve been showering, slicking my hair back, getting ready for work—but instead I sat there, moping, trying not to picture the empty space in my bed.
My phone buzzed against the arm of the couch.I glanced down and froze when I saw the name on the screen.
Mom
Guilt hit me instantly.I hadn’t called her for weeks.She didn’t deserve that.And after the wreckage of last night, maybe hearing her voice was exactly what I needed.I swiped to answer.
“Noah?”Her voice was warm, concerned.“What’s wrong?”
I frowned.“Hi, Mom.Nothing’s wrong.”
“Noah Benjamin Miller,” she said, using the full name that always made me feel like a little boy again.“Don’t lie to your mother.I had this sudden—” she paused, searching for the word—“this intuition that you were in pain.Am I wrong?”
My throat tightened.“I… there’s this guy,” I said, the words halting.“I like him, but he’s got a ton of issues and—”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” she interrupted, cutting me off in the brisk, no-nonsense tone I’d grown up with.“Noah, you’re too good to be anyone’s second choice.You hear me?You don’t need some damaged man to tell you your worth.You’ve always stood on your own two feet, and you’ll keep doing it.Don’t let anyone drag you down.”
Despite myself, I smiled.The first real smile all day.She didn’t even know Henry, didn’t know the mess in my chest—but she knew me.And sometimes that was enough.
“Thanks, Mom,” I murmured, softer than I meant to.
