As soon as the servers walked away from the table she leaned forward and spoke softly enough that they wouldn’t be overheard. ‘If you would like, I can go. I can feign some illness...perhaps say I’ve spent too long in the sun...so no one would be any the wiser.’
His molars locked. ‘I don’t want that.’
Helia sighed. ‘Fine. Then how about this? A thought for a thought. I’m currently thinking that I did something to offend you earlier, and that if we remain together like this people are going to know something is wrong between their king and queen. So I’m going to offer you a solution. I don’t want you to feel forced to spend time with me. For image or for any reason whatsoever. I am well aware of what this marriage is supposed to be, given all I have to think about. We have complete privacy here—you’ve made sure of that. So you should use this time to mourn your brother in peace and I will respect your privacy.’
Vasili hated himself. Had he thought the way he’d left earlier wouldn’t be noticed? That Helia wouldn’t take his leaving as a reflection on herself? She had done nothing wrong and yet here she still sat with him, so poised, any emotion on lockdown, offering him a kindness.
He had wounded her. For that he should be the one punished. And yet Helia was the one hurting. It was obvious in her words. She told him he wouldn’t have to spend time with her as if that was something to suffer through. Despite whatever negative feelings he had her experiencing, she still consideredhisfeelings. His grief. When had anyone ever done that?
She had known him only a few days, but had already shown him a support he hadn’t experienced. He hadn’t known it could feel like this. As if there was an immovable wall at his back. Someone to say,I’ve got you.
But he couldn’t accept the offer. Tempting as it was. He wouldn’t mourn when it was convenient. He wouldn’t ask for help. The void that had been torn into him when he’d been told his brother was dead only yawned wider, but he would deal with his grief just as he had dealt with everything else in his life. Alone.
And just like that the safety of that wall disintegrated and he was alone, fighting through the world on his own again.
‘That won’t be necessary, Helia.’
He reached over, picking up a piece of pitta to give his hands something to do, somewhere safe to focus, and spread dip along the bread. He noticed that apart from her sip of wine Helia reached for nothing else. Once the bread was loaded to his satisfaction he placed it on her plate, wishing he could pull her onto his lap and feed her instead.
‘Vasili...’
Was that exasperation in her tone?
‘Helia...?’ he mimicked, and chuckled at the unimpressed look on her face. ‘I am sorry for the way I left earlier, but I don’t need time to mourn.’
‘Of course you do. Everyone does.’
‘“Everyone” doesn’t have the same responsibilities I do,’ he replied as he took a bite of his own bread, happy to see Helia had done the same.
‘No, they don’t, but that doesn’t mean you have to ignore your needs. You don’t have to deal with everything alone, you know.’
If she only knew. ‘I’m not alone. I’m with a beautiful woman.’
‘You’re changing the subject.’
She plucked an olive from the bowl, and his body stirred to life as he watched her bring it to her lips and close her eyes as she savoured the taste. But then she blinked, tilting her head to the side. Something he’d noticed she did whenever she was trying to understand him.
‘Why is that?’ she asked.
‘I’mnotchanging the subject.’
‘And now you’re lying. You have a tell. Did you know that?’
‘What?’
‘You blink and look away,’ Helia said matter-of-factly.
‘It seems to me you have far too much time on your hands if you’ve been studying me so closely.’
‘And now you’re deflecting.’ She smirked.
This woman. She was driving him crazy.
‘Fine, we’ll talk about something else,’ she said. ‘You’ve been here before?’
The change of topic seemed safe, but Vasili had the distinct impression that he was not the one on higher ground in this conversation.
‘I have.’
