‘I was wrong. You didn’t just survive, you thrived.’
Thriving might have been a bit of an overstatement.
‘How do you even know?’ she asked.
He gave a short, sharp laugh. ‘Don’t you think in the days after you left, that I didn’t look for you? I needed to make sure you were okay. I knew you’d left apensionein the next village. Then I spoke to Mrs Fancutt and she told me you were still in Italy. In the end, I found you here.’
Her heart began to beat a quick and thready rhythm. She’d thought that he didn’t care at all, that he’d completely washed his hands of her, and yet here he was admitting that he’d known what she was doing all along. That she was just across the lake from him. Then why did it still seem like an unbreachable gulf?
Louisa wheeled round, the burn of tears threatening. Her voice catching in her throat. ‘You hurt me, Matteo. You made me feel special and then you took that all away because revenge against the family was more important than anything. It wouldneverbe me.’
He took a step forward. Stopped. A moment of hesitation as if he was unsure of himself.
‘I’ve never dwelled on my mistakes. I’ve lived a life with no regrets, believing that I was relentlessly moving forward. But, Lulu, I have regretted every moment of that last conversation with you. Analysed every word that would have caused you pain. I’ve obsessed. Immersed in a past I can’t take back but wish I could change. I came to realise that anything I wanted, revenge, business, success, money, it was all hollow without you in my life.’
Everything stilled. It was as if she forgot to breathe, as if her heart had missed a beat. ‘What are you saying?’
‘I can’t change the past, that’s what shaped me. It’s the future I have some control over, and I’ve come to realise that my past has held me hostage for long enough. I said I’d accepted that I’d never find my birth family, but I lied. To myself more than anyone else. You were right. I was searching and searching for something that never really existed. Now I’ve stopped.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘My whole life has been about temporary. I didn’t believe another person could give me love. I figured deep down that you’d walk away and leave me, so I pushed you away as if that would protect me. Instead, I came to realise whether I pushed you away or whether you walked away on your own, that knife plunging into my heart hurt just the same. My search was for family when what I’d been looking for was standing right in front of me, imploring me to choose her. When I realised that, everything became easy. I want you. I choose you. I love you.’
Her back pressed into the kitchen benchtop, hands gripping the edges to hold her up, because she could hardly believe what he was telling her. ‘You love me?’
‘How could I not?’ He began to move forwards again. ‘You said I was looking for a home. When you walked away, I realised what I hadn’t before. That home isn’t a place.’
He was talking about ahomenow? What about the man who travelled the world, who never stood still...?
‘You want to make Easton Hall your home, with me?’
He was so close. She tilted her head back to look up at him and the hard man of that last, awful day had simply disappeared. Melted away. All she saw was softness, for her.
She sawMattyagain.
‘Did you miss the part about me saying I love you?’
She gave a tremulous laugh. Was this a dream? Could this be real? ‘No, I kind of got that bit.’
‘You’remy home, Lulu. Wherever you want to be, I’ll be too. My place is with you. What I’d really like is for you to say you still love me too. But if you don’t, if you don’t trust me yet, then I’m prepared to work at it. Diligently.’
Everything seemed so shaky in this moment and yet heat began to flood over her. ‘I really like it when you’re diligent.’
The corner of his mouth kicked up in a wry grin. ‘I hoped you might.’
‘What if I said that I’ve never really loved anybody before? It feels thrilling, it feels terrifying, and I really don’t have a single clue what I’m doing.’
He laughed. Rubbed a hand over his face. ‘Don’t worry, neither do I. We can practise together, till we make it perfect. But right now, I’d really like to hold you.’
Matty opened his arms and she walked right into them. He wrapped her tight. That comforting sense of belonging returned. As she relaxed into his embrace, his damp chinos brushed against her legs. She pulled back to look at him.
‘Why are your trousers wet?’
The corner of his mouth kicked up. ‘I motored across the lake to see you. There was no mooring, so I had to wade to shore.’
The little boat she’d seen, that was him. If she could have fallen even more in love with him in this moment, she would have. But that was impossible. Her heart was too full already. All the times she’d gazed out at his villa, just a speck in the distance. Wondering whether he was still there. What he was doing... ‘Did you look across the lake to me?’
‘Every day and every night from the time I discovered where you were.’
