‘That, Helia, is every cent of your inheritance. The start in life your father left you. After we’re done here today, if you still wish to leave, it will help you. As will I. I’m not going to abandon you.’
‘I don’t know what to say...’
‘Then let me start.’
Vasili could bear it no more and reached for her hand. The spark of her touch restarted his heart, which had grown cold and empty without her. He took a deep breath, trying to find the words. The only thing he could tell her was the truth, but he needed to start somewhere. He needed to lay himself bare to this woman, which was a terrifying thought, but there was no longer room in his life for fear.
‘I was scared. I have been afraid for a very long time. Afraid to expose my heart to anyone. I’ve come to realise it was I who kept Leander away, not the other way round. He tried, but I wouldn’t get close. Not when I had been warned away. But I was wrong. I loved my brother a great deal, and I see that now. I also see how grieving him only made me want to wall myself off further.’
Vasili let out a shuddering breath. Felt his throat closing up with the ache of his loss. Helia said nothing, but the squeeze of her hand was support enough.
‘I wanted my parents to love me, and when they didn’t—or appeared not to—it hurt. But I had Sophia. And then, when she was gone, there was nothing to stop me pushing everyone away. It’s why I didn’t love anyone. It’s why I never had true friends. And it’s why I tried to keep you at arm’s length. Because you, Helia...you were a danger to me from the start.’
‘Me?’
‘That day in the library I was lost to my grief. Drowning in it. In my anger at what was being asked of me. My mind was loud, roaring with frustration, with the injustice of it all. But then I looked at you, and for a moment it was peaceful. And when I kissed you, I was lost in it. Moved in a way I had never been. And I knew if you had that power with a simple kiss, you had the power to destroy me. I couldn’t let that happen. So I selfishly chose myself over you and I hurt you. I’m so sorry.’
‘Why are you telling me this?’
Helia’s voice was rough through her tears. Tears he knew weren’t just for herself, but because of his own anguish.
‘You were so brave to stand up to the King and Queen from such a young age, Vasili, and yet you were a coward when that rebellion led to something real and powerful.’
She was right. He had been a coward. Even though it had been a fight not to fall in love with her, he had done so anyway. And still he’d tried to keep her away from his heart. There was no bravery there.
‘I was. And it took you walking out for me to realise what a fearful idiot I have been. You took control. And because of you I can see things so much clearer. Because of you I can finally own up to my feelings. That morning when I woke up and realised you had left...’
Vasili swallowed hard. Swallowed down those feelings that now returned. Anger at himself. Hopelessness. His eyes had been opened that day.
‘It broke me. In trying to keep you from destroying me, I’d made it happen.’
‘So why are you here now? What do you want?’
‘I want you back. I want you in my bed. I want you in my life. I want to change this kingdom with you! I love you, Helia. I love you so goddamn much that I ache with it.’
There they were. The words Helia had longed to hear. And they made her want to run into his arms and stay there for ever.
But his admitting the truth didn’t change their situation. Would he still want to end the monarchy, which meant she would never have a family? Was he prepared for the kind of life she wanted?
‘I have waited for those words, Vasili. There was something about you even when I didn’t know you that drew me in, and when I did get to know you I couldn’t help but fall in love with you. But loving each other isn’t enough. I need to know what’s different now.’
It took a moment for him to respond.
‘In my mind, if the people meant to care for me couldn’t, how could I be worthy of it from anyone else? From you? But here’s the thing... I know I used that as a shield. It came from fear, and I have no room in my life for fear any more. That’s what’s different. I’m done with shields. With keeping everyone away.’
‘But we want different things. I can’t return with you now only to have my heart broken later.’
She’d had the strength to leave once, but it had gouged at her soul to do so. She didn’t want to do it again. She couldn’t. Just thinking about it nearly paralysed her.
‘Tell me what you want and it’s yours. Anything.’
She could hear the desperation in his voice.
‘I want a family. I want children, and a husband who isn’t afraid to give me his whole heart. I don’t want to be lonely any more.’
Her voice broke on that last word. Her stomach dropped as the chair scraped loudly against the floor as Vasili dragged her to him and cradled her face.
‘You have my heart. My soul. And with time we could have a family.’
