At last, the faintest warmth hit her hand – so gently it was barely perceptible. And she knew the moment had come.
She stood and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. Mini, just awake, reached for Miles’s hand. Ali put her arms around him and leaned down. She was surprised that she felt no fear. For the last few months, she had been so afraid of what was happening to him, repelled by the feeding tubes and nappies – the banal yet horrifying facts of a wasting body. Now she held him and began to sing softly, about shining stars and night breezes, her voice cracking on the word ‘love’. ‘Dream A Little Dream of Me’, she whispered. And she searched for the slightest hint that he heard her.
Epilogue
Shelly smiled nervously at Dan as he took a seat across the table. The room was a palette of muted greens with a couple of potted plants. Corporate but projecting calm.
‘So have things with the whole televised rant settled down?’ Dan grinned, shrugging off his jacket.
‘Ha ha,’ she laughed softly. Then she paused. ‘Maybe we shouldn’t talk until the mediator gets here?’ She offered up an awkward shrug. She could see he wasn’t in a bad mood but she wasn’t about to say a word without a professional present. This could get messy.
Dan only raised his eyebrows and began scrolling on his phone. Shelly tapped her nails nervously. Three days since the video had gone viral and things had already somewhat settled down. She felt bad because the whole Ali Jones fiasco at the Glossies had definitely helped. Also, surprisingly, quite a few women had taken Shelly’s side and the whole episode had sparked a rash of hot takes in the media, largely commending her for ‘bravely’ speaking out about the real struggles of motherhood and revealing what goes on behind the filter.
It was awkward being hailed as some bastion of truth-telling, particularly while being at the centre of what looked like a very sinister blackmail plot. The guards had been on the case all week and Shelly was looking forward to putting it behind her. According to Bríd, they were interviewing @KellysKlobber at that very moment.
Meanwhile, Holistic Hazel had ended up with a mini backlash of her own when a few followers called her out for ‘tearing down’ her fellow mumfluencer.
‘What a world,’ Sandra had commented, amazed, as Shelly had attempted to recount the intricacies and vagaries of the swings and roundabouts of social-media public-opinion trials. Shelly had zero interest in engaging with any of it, though Hazel’s people had been straight on to arrange a ‘playdate’ to show all was well in the Irish mumfluencer camp. And while Shelly had no desire to be involved in a highly engineered PDA with Hazel, in the interests of playing nice she’d agreed and was heading there that afternoon.
‘Hello, Dan, Michelle?’ Cliona Ní Dhunta looked supremely competent, just as you’d want a mediator to look. Shelly steeled herself. This was all going to piss Dan off so much.
‘So we’ve gathered together because Michelle wants to update you on some issues that affect the family, Dan. Are you open to discussing it in as rational a manner as possible? And Michelle will be attempting to do the same.’
‘I’m all ears.’ He sat back, crossing his ankles. He looked so relaxed, and Shelly hated to ruin the civilised détente they’d reached. They’d decided to separate but had agreed that Dan would stay in the Seomra for the time being – a fact she was even more grateful for since the creepy emails, though, as yet, there’d been no more since that one a few days before the Glossies with Amy in the office.
‘Great,’ Cliona continued. ‘Michelle, take a deep breath and go.’
Shelly held her fingertips to her temples and gazed down at the table. ‘Dan, I want to say I’m sorry. I know that I let things get out of hand with the whole SHELLY thing. I used it as a way of hiding from being a mother. I was just so scared and lonely when I first had Georgie and I thought I was doing it all wrong. I think I needed help after Georgie. Not just going to the GP and taking the antidepressants – I needed a counsellor. But I’m doing that now. And I’m really trying harder with Georgie.’ She finally forced herself to meet Dan’s eyes. He looked kind. Which surprised her. With things being so fraught between them for the past year, she’d forgotten that Dan was kind. He wasn’t a dick. Well, no more than she’d been a dick too.
‘Shell,’ he said softly, ‘I know. And you are a good mum. I’m sorry, I know there were times when I said some really harsh things …’
Cliona was nodding along approvingly and Shelly wished she didn’t have to break this moment with her next revelation.
‘Anyway, I asked you here because I’ve something a bit serious to tell you. I’ve been receiving weird messages. Someone’s been accusing me of faking stuff about you and Georgie on Instagram.’
‘Right?’ Dan looked nonplussed. ‘I mean, “person bullshitting on social media” can’t be that much of a shocker though, can it?’
‘No.’ Shelly shrugged. ‘But it’s not brilliant that everyone might find out that I used a stock image and said it was my baby—’
‘Did you?’ Cliona was jotting something down. Jesus, shut up, Cliona! thought Shelly desperately. Luckily Dan was grinning and seemed to be amused by this titbit.
‘I feel terrible, Dan. I know it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have exposed us to this. I’m thinking of wrapping up SHELLY and the guards are looking into it – we know who it is and they’re interviewing her today to make her stop.’
Dan massaged his forehead, looking weary, and Shelly tensed for his reaction. ‘Shelly, don’t give up everything unless you want to. Don’t give up because of this coward. We’ll work it out. I’m still in the guesthouse. I’m still Georgie’s dad. We’ll figure it out. Plus we’ve got this little baby to think about. I know I’ve been angry and I was hard on you because I just didn’t understand the whole Insta-thing. But we need to stick together. Not together together, but I am here. I promise.’
Shelly drove away from Cliona’s odd corporate oasis of manufactured calm actually feeling pretty calm. The time apart seemed to have defused much of the tension between her and Dan. His concern seemed totally genuine, and Shelly had caught herself wondering if there could still be something between them. A twinge in her belly made her smile. I know you’re there, she thought. She headed down the canal in the late morning sun and realised she felt relaxed. Nothing was sorted, as such, but she felt less afraid of the fallout if those pictures did come out. There was something liberating about the fact that her marriage was, to all intents and purposes, over. It’d be embarrassing if people saw her Dan-a-like but she’d live and that was the main thing. Maybe it’d be a blessing – it wasn’t like she still wanted SHELLY to work anyhow. Though extracting herself was already proving difficult. Her winning Influencer of the Year at the Glossies, despite her temporary pariah status and not even showing up, attested to how embroiled she was in that world.
‘The sponsors need you, the brands need you,’ Amy had explained over voicenote the previous day. ‘You’re part of the ecosystem.’
Shelly turned up towards the familiar road where her parents’ pebble-dashed semi-D overlooked an oval green. It was the same green where Shelly had made daisy chains with her friends as a kid and where eventually they’d snuck cigarettes and kisses with the boys from St Finnian’s. She pulled over and rolled down her window. Her parents’ front door was open and across the quiet road Sandra and Georgie were playing on the grass with a couple of the neighbours’ girls a little older than Georgie. It’d be nice to live close to other families, Shelly mused. They’d probably be selling the house eventually. It was too big and isolated behind the electric gates and down that long driveway. Their house, she realised now, had all been for the ’gram. The big kitchen and the biscuit-and-beige floors and walls everywhere. It was a show house, not a home. Shelly tried to picture living somewhere else, just herself and her two babies.
‘Mama!’ Georgie interrupted her thoughts, hurtling her little body across the green towards the car with Sandra jogging after her.
‘Hello, my baby!’ Shelly hopped out and gathered her in her arms, cuddling her close. She was getting used to motherhood, which seemed a weird thing to be thinking three years in but there it was. I guess it just takes some people this long to feel OK after having a baby, she thought, marvelling at the acceptance she felt. She was starting to forgive herself. Her new counsellor was helping.
‘Well?’ Sandra raised her eyebrows.
‘We’ll be OK, I think.’ Shelly shaded her eyes from the sun and saw Sandra smiling.
