So fuck it.
19
‘Can you just put that thing down for one single episode ofSVU? You’re missing some absolute quality depravity over here.’ Sam was looking irritated. ‘It’s like trying to watch TV with someone furiously wanking in the corner of the room.’
Liv snorted approvingly and Ali sighed and set the phone face down on the couch beside her.
‘It’s so nice to see you two bonding by ganging up on me.’ Ali feigned a huff but actually she loved that they could all veg out together, bingeing Netflix and mocking whatever show happened to be on. It was yet another peskily perfect thing about Sam – Liv actually liked him. And this was no small feat. Ali had rarely had a boy to bring home in the last few years but, on the occasions she did, they hardly ever passed Liv’s Knob Test. It was an informal examination conducted by Liv on most people. You couldn’t really tell when the test was underway – you’d only hear about the result, a result influenced by myriad nebulous factors only Liv was privy to. Afterwards she’d draw her conclusions and make vague pronouncements in summary: ‘He’s the kind of guy that thinks he and Vince Vaughn would be best friends.’ Or ‘Seems to have very limited vocab – he definitely thinks “marmalade” and “helicopter” are “big” words.’
Sam had charmed Liv from the off – which was surprising, as he definitely reckoned he and Vince Vaughn would be besties. Much of their connection stemmed from a shared disdain for Ali’s Insta-obsession and, added to that, Sam did a good line in TV-show commentary, which was a pastime of both Ali’s and Liv’s.
On screen, a highly improbable scenario was playing out in which Stabler’s wife had gone into labour while trapped in a car wreck and Benson, Stabler’s partner, was being talked through administering the IV drip.
‘Not a single paramedic could hop in the window there?’ Sam was shouting at the telly incredulously.
‘They’ve lost the run of themselves in this episode,’ Liv chimed in. ‘I was willing to believe the whole midwife-paedo-ring story arc but this is just a farce.’
Ali settled back against the cushions and pulled the sofa blanky over her. Sam and Liv were now debating about what was the most ludicrous storyline they’d ever seen onSVU. Sam was trying to convince Liv that there was an episode centred around a choir that had killed and cannibalised their domineering conductor.
‘Jesus, I wouldn’t put it past old Dickie Wolf to pull something like that!’ Liv laughed.
Satisfied that they were distracted, Ali picked up the phone and began surreptitiously scrolling once more. She’d seen a WhatsApp and several screenshots drop in from Kate and was eager to catch up with what she was saying.
Ali, I’m so sorry to be the one sending you these, but I thought you’d like to know and, as your friend, I felt a responsibility to show what’s being said about you.
Below the message were three blurry screenshots of what looked like a Rants.ie forum. The fucking toilet bowl of the internet. If she tapped them they’d come into focus and she could read whatever it was Kate apparently felt was her ‘duty’ to show her. Well, fuck that. I’m not going there tonight. No way.
She was more disturbed by the thought that Kate wanted to upset her than anything some randoms were spouting on the internet. The pang of upset flared in her stomach and her immediate thought was: wine. Pity Sam was there. She X-ed out of WhatsApp and opened her Instagram. A few minutes scrolling her latest follows, likes and comments settled her, though of course now that the thought of wine had hit, she felt antsy to get rid of Sam. He wasn’t supposed to be spending the night anyway – part of her slow-things-down plan.SVUended and Ali spotted her chance.
‘Don’t you have to be up early for work tomorrow, babes?’
‘Oooh, is that a hint, babes?’ Sam gave her a little tickle. ‘Reckon I’m not wanted here anymore, Liv?’
‘Were you ever, darling?’ Liv replied with mock pity. Ali made pleading eyes at her behind Sam’s back and Liv looked resigned, adding, ‘We have some essential girl talk on the evening’s agenda, I’m afraid.’
‘Well, now I know ye’re definitely bullshitting me.’ Sam laughed, getting up. ‘As if you, Liv, would ever use the phrase “girl talk”.’
He leaned down and kissed Ali, apparently not too fazed by being turfed out. ‘Enjoy girl time – don’t get over-excited now. We wouldn’t want a repeat ofSVUseason 44, episode 19, when the pillow fight escalated and the cheerleaders were convicted of manslaughter in the first degree.’
Ali laughed dutifully, hopped up and began shoving Sam towards the hall. Sam being Sam, he attempted to turn this into a reenactment of the pottery scene fromGhost, but a few minutes later Ali had successfully ejected him. She returned to the couch via the kitchen, having grabbed a bottle of wine.
Liv cracked a beer and raised a toast to her. ‘Congratulations on one of the most impressive acts of self-sabotage I have ever witnessed,’ she said snidely. Ali rolled her eyes, but Liv wasn’t done. ‘No, no, really, I have never seen such an effective and total self-cock-block. Ever. I sincerely doubt it’s even been done before.’
‘Liv, can you please shut up.’
‘Don’t be modest, Ali. Seriously, I’m impressed. You’ve managed to find the hands-down perfect man for you – he lovesSVU, looks like Louis Theroux’s nerdier little brother, seems to adore you – and you, meanwhile, have successfully rigged it so that, no matter what happens, it can never work.’
Ali poured her wine and resisted the strong urge to down it in one. She could drink in front of Liv but she had to keep it in check. ‘Please don’t you come at me too. Kate already sent me some gloating WhatsApp about people bitching about me on Rants and how she felt morally compelled as my friend to let me know.’
‘Well,’ Liv sighed heavily, ‘they’ll be saying a lot worse when this house of cards comes down. Which it will.’
‘Please, not tonight, Liv.’ Ali was now horizontal on the couch, having been hit by what had become a nightly crushing tiredness – she put it down to the sheer mental exertion of bullshitting so much. Lying should come with a health warning. She was attempting to drink her wine by dribbling it sideways into her mouth. ‘Wine straws need to become socially acceptable,’ she remarked.
‘So what are you going to do about Sam, then?’
Ali had put the glass down and was now rummaging behind her, unhooking her bra and dragging it off through the sleeve of her hoodie – the day wasn’t officially over until that bloody contraption was off. ‘I’ve told him we need to slow things down on the whole “relationship”.’ Ali mimed air quotes. ‘Plus I’m heading to that mega preggo retreat next week, which will keep him at arm’s length for a bit. So I’ve definitely bought some time. It could get complicated when the sister arrives back from Oz, though.’
Liv sat with one eyebrow raised sceptically throughout this little speech. ‘Sounds totally solid – oh wait, no. You sound insane. Also, this little charade has become excruciating to watch. You realise he is a real person with real feelings, Ali? I like him. It’s actually torture watching him fall for you and talk about his “baby”.’ Liv looked disgusted.
