Chapter twenty-five
Lucy
Later that night, I find myself unable to sleep. Honestly, I’m a little terrified at how perfect Jake seems—is he too good to be true? He’s the whole package: sensitive, sweet, generous, and fun.
But there’s also much, much more to him. He sees the true me—beyond just the dependable daughter that my parents could count on or the perfect foil for Weston that was really only a reflectionof him.
With Jake, I’ve never had to hide who I was—I’ve never needed to strip away part of my personality to become more palatable. To be someone different, someone better.
With Jake, I feel like I’m exactly who he wants, just as I am.
The urge to invite him upstairs was almost overpowering. I already know one kiss will never be enough; I’m not sure how much longer I can resist the undeniable pull between us. But at the same time, Jake’s eagerness to invite me out on a second date was beyond charming. And it’s tomorrow night, so it’s not like I have to wait long.
While it’s not typical to have two dates this close together, I don’t really care at this point; I’m thrilled I’ll get to see him so soon. We’re both miraculously off two nights in a row—why waste that gift?
With Jake, I don’t feel like I need to restrict myself to normal conventions. We just like each other, and that’s enough.
My heart soars as I think about Jake—he makes me feel lighter than I’ve felt in a long time.
In the morning, I start a load of laundry. While the washer is going, I recall my conversation with Jake about the lack of a better physical abuse screening method in the ER. When I was with Weston, I wouldn’t have dared to even contemplate such a project. But Jake’s quiet support for my ideas gives me the confidence to reach out to Dr. Simons.
Quickly, I type out a message.
Dr. Simons,
I really enjoyed working with you a few weeks ago. I wanted to ask you about a topic that came up during that shift. You told me that there were no current ways for physicians to screen for physical abuse in the ER. But I also know there are a lot of studies ongoing in the Blackwell ER and was wondering if there is a current project related to this topic? I’d love to be a part of it.
Hope to work with you again soon!
Lucy
For someone so naturally impulsive, I still hesitate before sending the email. Will Dr. Simons think I’m being too forward by asking? Do I even have the bandwidth to add anything to my already complicated life?
Then I think about my night in the bathroom hiding from Weston. The terrified expression of Tanya. The panic attack outside of the ER. The multiple confrontations with Weston over the past few weeks. Over the past year, I’ve had so little control of my life, and it’s time to make a change. Even though it was scary, I took a leap of faith on Jake, and I’m so glad I did.
I click send.
The washer still has some time left, so I turn on my favorite show,Gilmore Girls,a series I’ve watched in entirety several times. As I watch Lane Kim, Rory’s best friend, sneak out of the window, I’m hit by a wave of unease. This show was supposed to relax me, butright now, it’s reminding me of my mom’s expectations and how little I’ve been meeting them lately.
I grab my phone and type out another text to Peter.
Me: Are you okay? Call me.
I decide against watching more of the show and turn on the soundtrack toLes Misinstead. I grin when I get to Eponine’s solo—I suppose my crush wasn’t so unrequited after all.
While I move my clothes from the washer to the dryer, I remember how I bullied Jake into watchingArmageddonwith me. I would never have pushed for a particular movie with Weston. With Jake, I wasn’t at all worried that he’d have a negative reaction—I just understood instinctively that he’d be up for anything.
Who knew? When I have space to have opinions, I actually have preferences.
After what seems like an interminable wait, it’s finally 4pm, and I call in an order to Thai Goddess, a little restaurant close to my apartment. They have some pad thai and curries to die for.
As I get ready for our movie date, I catch myself humming “Brown-Eyed Girl.” The catchy melody shoots a tingle of promise through me. I’m glad my situation isn’t a replica of the lyrics, forever wondering, what if I had taken that leap after all?
It’s still the middle of July, and I want to dress more casually than last night, since we’re staying in. I choose a pair of white shorts and a cute sky-blue top with puff sleeves and an elastic bodice, along with a pair of tan sandals for comfort. Giddiness returns to mewhen I revisit the adorably awkward conversation Jake and I had about our favorite colors.
Suddenly, I realize I haven’t worn black in weeks. I’m filled with a glow of satisfaction—maybe it’s not so far-fetched that I can take the reins of my life back.
Ten minutes after I pick up the food, I arrive laden with bags at Jake’s front door. My nerves are buzzing on high-alert; I’m anxious and excited. What if things are different this time? Maybe Jake’s changed his mind and has decided my baggage is too much for him after all. I’m floored by how much I want this to work out, for all of this to be real. If it’s not, I’ll feel like a rug’s been pulled out from under me.
