He smiles, a wince. “I know.”
I look at the time on my phone. “Three minutes into this date, and I’ve killed the mood. A new personal record.”
Thio smiles for real this time and reaches out. I close the remaining distance, and the moment our fingers touch, a mushroom cloud bubbles in my stomach.
He sighs like he feels it, too. Like me being close is something calming.
“I like that you call me on it,” he says to our conjoined hands. “It’s keeping me focused on what matters. Getting out from under their thumb. Being able to support my mom on my own. I—” He hesitates. “I started figuring out who I need to contact. For after graduation.”
His silence is heavy, so I rub the back of his hand, watching goose bumps ripple up his arm.
Thio arches his gaze up to the cathedral ceiling. “I know I need to put plans in motion, but I don’t want to risk news getting to my family. The moment I take this step, the moment I officially reach out to any of their competitors…”
“It’s a bell you can’t unring. I get it.”
He’s stiff, the telling of this not alleviating his stress, but seeming to make it worse. The reminder of the responsibilities looming.
“What would you do?” I ask, gently brushing a piece of hair by his face. “What do youwantto do, I mean? If you could. What’s your dream job?”
Thio gives me such a perplexed look, it’s heartbreaking.
“What would make you happy?” I try again. The question is a crowbar, and the way Thio’s biting the inside of his cheek is a locked chest.
“Sebastian—”
“I’m saying, maybe there’s a way to incorporate something you want to do into this. Maybe it isn’t self-sacrifice or bust.”
Thio twists our hands to thread his fingers with mine, holding the knotted tangle to his chest. His expression shutters, like he’s reached the max of his sharing abilities tonight, and normally, I’d let it drop. I’d pivot the conversation to something safe. But tonightisdifferent. I want to know. I want to know everything.
I keep my eyes on his, eager, and he looks away with a low sigh.
“I always liked helping people,” he whispers. “The nurses who’ve cared for my mom especially—they’ve all been great. That’d be nice, I think. To actively help someone.”
I smile.
That’s what I want, too. The reason I’m doing everything I can to keep my upcoming job at Clawstar. To replace the bad in my life with active good.
I have no idea if there’s room for anything like that with the competitors he’s focused on reaching out to, but his tone, his posture, the tender look of longing on his face—
I squeeze his fingers. “You shouldn’t give up on that. If that’s something you want. I bet your mom wants that for you, too. For you to be happy.”
Thio’s eyes are watery as they shift over mine. Back and forth, back and forth.
His silence lasts so long I know I overstepped.
Shit. Am I guilting him into doing this? That’s not what I meant—
He seizes my mouth in his.
The kiss is brutal. I don’t try to assert dominance, just give it all up to him with a helpless moan as his tongue invades my mouth.
“Thank you,” he says when he lets me up for air. “I haven’t had—” A swallow, the scratch of it loud. “I haven’t had many—fuck, Sebastian.” He leaves kisses like breadcrumbs he’ll pick back up later as he works his way down my neck. “How did I find you?”
The words tattoo right where his lips are, at the intersection of neck and shoulder. The world goes evanescent, attention whittling to sensation only, and that sensation is a falling open.
He tries to pull at my belt, but I’m somehow conscious enough to constrict my fingers around his wrists.
“Dinner. You made me dinner.”
