“No.”
“And there were clauses affecting interactions outside of the club.”
“A few.” At least, they could. “That just makes sense though, since we see each other outside of the club anyway. Because of our friends.”
“This is sounding an awful lot like a real relationship already,” Dr. Amy said gently, uncrossing her legs as she leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees. Her expression was compassionate. “So what are you really scared of?”
Ellie took a deep breath and let it out on an almost sigh. This was what she knew she needed to talk to Dr. Amy about. Something she hadn’t realized until last night. Why she just couldn’t let go and tell Michael everything.
“I’m scared once I tell him, he’ll reject me. Or blame me. Or judge me. Any of those would be too much for me to deal with.” She scrubbed her hands on her bare legs. It wasn’t too cold in the office, but her skin still felt cooler the longer her appointment ran.
“That’s a normal fear,” Dr. Amy said, her voice still gentle. “But you told your friends last night, and they didn’t react the way you expected.”
No… they hadn’t. They’d been amazing, actually. Although, Ellie had already thought they’d be more understanding than people in her past. In high school she hadn’t told anyone but her best friend at the time, Meg, and Meg had immediately gone into a barrage of questions. Why had Ellie told him maybe? Why had she gotten drunk?Why hadn’t she fought him off? - as if Ellie could have easily fought off a man twice her size when they were both drunk. Why didn’t she scream? … and then when the accident happened, Meg said she shouldn’t tell anyone else. Everyone was feeling sorry for him, it would look like she was just trying to rain down even more misery on him, bringing it up then wouldn’t help Ellie at all. Part of her had still wanted to though and she’d broken down and told her mom… who had agreed with Meg.After asking many of the same questions.
But at least neither of them had ever told anyone else. Ellie’s shame had remained a secret.
She’d told her Steve, her college boyfriend - she’d had to explain when she’d panicked the first time he’d tried to get to second base - but she hadn’t given him any details. All he’d known was she’d been raped in high school.
During college she had started to think maybe other women would be more understanding… more of them were having to deal with the reality of drinking, men, and sexual assault. Women were a lot less protected at college than at home. Parties were more expected, drinking was expected, but since Ellie had stayed away from that scene entirely, she didn’t personally know - or at least they hadn’t told her - anyone who had been through a similar experience. Hearing everyone else’s recitation of their own experiences last night had finally given her the courage to say something.
No, none of them had been through anything quite as bad as her experience, and she was glad for that. She wouldn’t have wanted them to. But the fact they all could relate, in some way… it had been both heart-breaking and helped give her the courage to share.
“They were amazing,” Ellie said softly, smoothing the leather of the couch’s armrest with her fingers. It was soft to touch, almost soothing to just run her fingers over it.
“So, you’re afraid Michael won’t be as amazing.”
Ellie let her head fall back against the couch. It sounded so bad when Dr. Amy said it.
“Why would Michael be different?” Dr. Amy asked, after a long moment of silence from Ellie.
“Well, he’s a guy,” Ellie said, a bit sardonically. Not that men couldn’t understand but… it wasn’t hard to miss general male reactions to things like sexual assault and rape. They tended to try and straddle the line - no, of course a woman shouldn’t be raped, but if she was going to be walking home alone, or drunk at a party, or wearing skimpy clothing after dark, thensheshould have also been more careful. Because, of course, it was still partially her own fault for assuming she should be able to be safe.
She still remembered her own mother’s reaction - “Well what did you expect?”
It was a popular refrain in college when an assault came to light, especially if the woman in question had been at a frat party or out after dark. The idea she expected to have a good time and wake up with a hangover, just like everyone else, was apparently just too hard for some people to grasp. It made her so angry. Which, at least was a step up from ashamed and wracked with guilt and self-recrimination.
“Do you think he’s the kind of guy who would blame you?”
Ellie stared at her fingers as she rubbed the leather couch’s armrest harder. The leather was getting warm.
Under normal circumstances, no, she didn’t think Michael would blame her. But under her circumstances?
She’d made some really stupid decisions.
That didn’t mean she blamed herself or thought she had deserved what happened to her… but she still struggled with not feeling like she wasn’t partially to blame. Felt like she probably should have seen it coming, or at least realized it was possible. Felt like she should have expected everything to go wrong, because she’d already known…
“Ellie?” Dr. Amy’s voice had turned coaxing.
“Once he finds out who… he might.” Ellie’s voice was a whisper, not by design, but because her chest was so tight she could barely get the words out. It felt like she didn’t have any air.
“Because Michael knew him?”
“Yes.” Because Michael had been her defender against him once.
Lawrence hadn’t been the worst, Ryan had definitely taken that title, but he hadn’t been great either. She’d been shocked when he’d approached her the year after Michael left, apparently contrite over his behavior the year before and interested in talking to her. It had taken him several months of conversations, notes, and eventually car rides to and from school before she began to trust him. Even then, she hadn’t really believed it until Ryan had started teasing her again and Lawrence had immediately shut him down, his arm slung protectively around her shoulder as he pushed his body slightly in front of hers, glaring at his friend until Ryan apologized.
After that, Ryan hadn’t bothered her again.
