“Hey.”God, the sound of his voice. I’ve missed him.
I can’t think of anything to say, so we sit in silence before Josh continues.
“I... I’m not going to try to talk you out of your decision. I… I love you and for that reason alone, I won’t do that to you.”
God, he sounds miserable. This whole situation is a complete disaster.I never should have kissed him in that clinic.But even thinking about that first kiss fills my traitorous body with longing to do it again.This sucks.
“I just wanted you to hear me say that. I love you, Lily. I won’t try to push you. Just… take care of yourself and let me know if you need anything. From me.”
“Okay.” Oh God. Tears are freely running down my face and I can’t think of anything else to say.
“I’ll see you at the wedding. If we don’t talk before.” He sighs. “Unless you don’t want me there.”
“I…”Would he do that? Not attend the wedding? For me?“I can’t make that decision for you. Please don’t put that on me.”Why do I sound like such an aloof bitch?
“Of course. I will plan on attending—but if you need me not to be there, just let me know. I’ll call out sick. Okay?”
“Okay.” I barely get the word out before I swallow down a sob. “I have to go.”Cry into my pillow, eat a gallon of ice cream, and hide under my covers.
“Of course. Thanks for answering.”
“Of course.” I repeat back, dumbly.
“Bye, Lily.”
And with that my heart shreds into a thousand pieces.
I numbly go to the kitchen where Nona keeps her paper address book from the National Gallery of Art—I sent it to her as a gift when I was in the sixth grade. For some reason, the nostalgia of the book in my hands nearly shatters me over the edge. But I steady myself since I am on a mission. I looked up Jenny Park’s phone number and texted her without hesitation.
Hi Jenny, It’s your cousin, Lily. Sorry, things got weird the other day. My mom is a lot. I’m sure you already knew that.
About your question: Josh is totally single—I have no interest in dating him and you should totally ask him out. Have a nice day.
Time Takes Time
Josh, Estes Park, End of April 2025
Still staring down at my phone, I can’t believe this is the end of it. Not sure what to do, I’m frozen at my desk until Brenda, our medical assistant, pops her head in. She’s been with Dr. Hendricks for years and has been a lifesaver as I’m learning my way around the clinic. Not to mention that she’s keeping me supplied with coffee and homemade muffins. A pleasant and cheerful lady, not much younger than my own mother, she tends to wear scrubs in vibrant colors to match her energy and mood. Today, she is wearing bright red scrubs and has her carrot-colored hair in what I know from my nieces is a crown braid around her head.
“Dr. Cohen, the last patient is ready in room three. I shared the reason for his visit in the chart whenever you are ready. He has some mild dementia, so his wife is with him.”
“Okay, thank you Brenda. Do me a favor and offer them some tea or water. I need a few minutes. Do you mind closing my door?”
“No problem!” She sing-songs back at me, humming to herself, and she walks back to room three and lets them know I will be delayed. I walk over to the bathroom in my office and splash water on my face, grimacing at the bags under my eyes and the unkempt state of my beard. It grew in over the last three weeks when I couldn’t be bothered to shave, so it has just grown. Glancing at my reflection I think it is giving me thedon’t-fucking-talk-to-me-unless-I-ask-you-tolook I was definitely going for. Of course, it has been more laziness born from my depression that has grown the beard than actual intention.
I groan, leaning on the counter.
I told Lily I would respect her decision, and in theory, of course I do. But I can’t help but feel panicked at the idea of letting her go. How can I just go on, trying to live my life as if she is not out there, with my heart in her hands?
This is my worst nightmare. Okay, get it together, Cohen. There are worse things. Many of them and you know it. Terminal illness. War. Animal cruelty.
Lily is the one person I’d do anything for. Even if that means letting her go, if that’s what she really wants.
I guess I will just go on then. Existing.
Sighing, I take a sip of my lukewarm coffee and review the next patient’s record. He’s here for a routine wellness exam and some prescription refills. I sort through his recent labs and previous notes before heading in, thankful for something to do to distract me from my own fucked life.
In the exam room sits an elderly couple, her with a walker and him with a cane. They are together on the chairs, holding hands. This is another reminder that love is available to everyone except me, apparently.Stop with the self-pity, asshole.My life may not get better, but the least I can do for the patient in front of me is make their appointment time about them and not about me. I introduce myself to them and try to pretend I’m not thinking about Lily in the back of my mind.
