Ginger is sitting nearby, lying flat and whining while watching the proceedings around her. She can tell something is wrong.
Can I even apologize? I was drunk, and I said so many horrible things to her; what would I even start with? Will she accept another apology from me? I didn’t mean it; I was feeling helpless, shitty, attacked, and defensive. And now I’m the asshole. Before I realized what had happened, the two men had left, and now she is closing the door to my house and turning back to face me.
“Don’t worry, I have a room at a hotel. I will make sure Ginger has food, and I’ll get out of your way.”
Her eyes are red from crying.
I did that. I made her cry.
She loves me.
But I know what she meant. She’s in love with me. The kind of love I’ve never been capable of. And now, I have a choice. I can tell she wants to take it back, to pretend that she meant it as friends, because she exposed this to me, and I was cruel.
I close my eyes. I know she didn’t intend to say it, but it came out, and now, I can’t unknow it. She loves the shittiest man this side of the Rockies who doesn’t even have a job. I can’t offer her anything. Not love, not security, and not even kindness. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this, or at least not make things worse.
“Lily Anna,” I croaked, opening my eyes.
She continues to the kitchen, picking up Ginger’s bowl, placing it on the counter, and refilling the kibble without looking my way.
“What, Josh? What could you possibly want to say to me at this point? I don’t think I have any other wounds for you to pour salt in, but maybe I’m wrong. I’m sure you know best.”
“Lily,” I close my eyes again, exhausted. “I didn’t mean what I said. I’m drunk and angry at the situation, not you. You’re my friend, and what I did back there at the bar was so shitty. I lashed out at you because my life feels so fucked and…”
I’m scrambling now because IknowI don’t love her the way she loves me. Being the garbage excuse for a man that I am, I can’t love her enough. But I can try to say the sincerest words I can think of without being hurtful.
“Please, Lily,” I venture, with nothing left to lose, “I can’t lose you, on top of everything else. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve for me to shout at you like that. You are such a good friend for driving here and… are you… okay?”
She turned back away from me, filling the dog’s water bowl, before walking back toward me. She is looking at me but doesn’t maintain eye contact. I’m screwing this up by not talking about the love part, but I can’t risk hurting her more than I already have tonight. Or maybe I’m not talking because I’m a coward. She starts to button up her coat. “You were drunk, as you said. It’s fine. And I’ll be okay. Like I said before, I have my shit handled.”
She says the words, but I can tell by her flat tone that it’s not fine. I think of how she is used to her mother talking down to her, belittling her that way, and I’m sick with the knowledge that I was no better.
"Josh, are you going to be okay now? Because I need to get some sleep; it was a long drive.”
I know I’m pleading with my eyes for forgiveness that I don’t deserve. I want resolution and to feel like we are back to normal, but I’ve lost that privilege.
“Don’t worry about me. Do you have time for breakfast in the morning?”
She can’t even maintain eye contact with me.Fuck.
“Yeah, sure. I can meet you at the diner, and I’ll go home after that.”
“Okay. Um… thanks for coming up here and for… trying.” God, that sounds so weak. I don’t deserve her as a friend, let alone anything else.
She rushes for the door, continuing to avoid meeting my eyes, and says, “Bye, Josh,” through the back of her head.
Then she stops in the doorway and turns, looking right at me.
“The thing about this love, Josh,” she says as she puts a hand over her heart, “is that I love you despite how you are sometimes. I love you—whether you love me or not. That’s the nature of it. It’s unconditional. You warned me not to, but it happened and what can I do?” She shrugs one shoulder before she studies my face, as my unease deepens. “Your attorney will hire a private investigator. She will figure out which angry woman is behind those false allegations and restore your good name. Your life will be back to how it was.Youwill be fine.”
Her eyes fill with tears, and I have an ache below my sternum at the thought of losing her.
“If anyone has a life that is fucked, I guess it’s me.”
Having proven she is the one with more courage, she turns as I say nothing and closes the door behind her, heading out into the night.
I collapse on the sofa and sit there staring at nothing for what seems like an eternity. Sometime later, I realized I must have fallen asleep. I look at my phone and see missed calls from Michelle and my mother. Ginger is lying at my feet and puts her snout on my leg with a low whine.
I look at her. “I’m a self-pitying asshole, Ginger.”
