“Hi.” I can feel my cheeks are flushed, and I hope he assumes it’s the cold.
“Shall we?”
“Just to warn you, I do not handle this last bit of the journey very well. I can’t help but expect the mountains to avalanche on me.”
“I understand,” he adds, softening his voice, “I remember.” He looks at me with concern but not pity and I allow myself a twinge of gratitude. “What can I do, or avoid doing, that may help?”
“I am going to close my eyes and pray and try to meditate. Sometimes I just fall asleep—as a defense mechanism. So nothing for you to do.”
“Okay. Keep quiet. Got it.”
I glance at him as he adjusts my seat and mirrors to his height. He’s wearing a green scarf and a black beanie with a black down coat, all of which makes his eye color pop. I can see in his profile he is smiling. Despite the climate-appropriate outerwear, he still looks as fit as ever. I’m completely attracted to this man, I realize with a sense of dread. Not just in my subconscious, but right here and now. I don’t know why this didn’t happen the last time I was here. I saw how good-looking he was, of course, but I thought of it in a detached way that did not affect me personally. Right now, however, I’m physically responding to his hotness. No detachment at all.
“Oh God,” I mutter, and he can go ahead and assume it is my fear of avalanches, which is not entirely wrong.
I can feel his gaze on me, though my eyes are closed.I am in so much trouble.
“Lily, it’s going to be fine. I’ll keep you safe.”
Unlikely.
Honestly, I don’t know what terrifies me more—impending injury from falling rocks or my attraction to Josh and the risk to my emotional well-being.
I open my eyes and pop one of my hydroxyzine tablets before I have a full-fledged panic attack. I just need to get through these mountains. I will figure out the emotional danger on the other side. I settle into careful breathing and put my earbuds in to listen to a meditation app. About five minutes in, I must have fallen asleep.
“Lily.” I feel a warm hand on my left shoulder.
I open my eyes. I can tell right away that I have been mouth-breathing by the dried drool on the right side of my cheek.So attractive… I probably snored. That would track. I swipe at the dried drool with the back of my hand and look around. We appear to have arrived at the office of my motel.
Josh has a half-smile on his face, and I have an insane urge to kiss him. I consider running into the mountains on foot and taking my chances there. I realize he is talking, and I am missing it. I take my earbuds out, which are playing the sound of running water in my ears.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you.” I try for an irritated face so he has no chance of guessing what I was thinking. “My earbuds were in.”
“This is where you are staying, right?”
I look around, “Yes.” I clear my throat. It is bone dry. I was absolutely snoring. “I told you this is where I was staying.” Again, I work to keep my voice flat and feign irritation in a desperate attempt to stop further conversation and flee the car.
“Right.” He cocks his head to the side. Why does that make him cuter? More to the point, why do I care? “I’ll leave you to it. You’re welcome to come by for dinner. If you forgot, I live just over there,” he points to his house, which is right across the river. “You know, the one with the red door. I’m going to walk home.”
At some point during the drive, he took off his beanie, and somehow his hat head is painfully adorable, and I clasp my hands together to keep from reaching over to run my hands through his hair.
“Otherwise, I’ll pick you up in the morning and we can go check out the two venues. Okay?” Thank God he pulls his hat back on.
“Great, see you in the morning.” I’m too tired to maintain a resting bitch face and give up. I just look at my phone instead, open my email and pretend to look at it.
"Okay Lily, see you then. I’ll bring you a coffee.” I glance and see him grinning at me.Time to get out of this car.
"Bye. Thanks for the ride.” I cringe as soon as the words leave my mouth while he hands me my keys.Please, no jokes about my word choice.Mercifully, he pretends I didn’t just embarrass myself with an accidental innuendo. I watch as he walks down the road toward the footbridge that crosses the river. I haul my rolling suitcase up the steps to the office and check in. As soon as I get to my room, I settle in by changing into pajamas and ordering food for delivery. The room is small and dark, so while I unpack my things, I turn on the television and attempt to tune out the noise in my head. I guess I will not be facing any of my complex emotions this evening. I’m sure it will all still be there tomorrow.
After tossing and turning all night, I pull myself out twenty minutes before my alarm goes off. I throw on a jean skirt, fleece-lined tights, snow boots, and a fair isle sweater and brush my teeth. Unsettled about seeing Josh again this morning, I am having a hard time making eye contact with myself in the bathroom mirror. It’s as if when I look at myself, the volume of the voices in my head becomes amplified. After rehashing it all last night, I realized I’m worried that Josh can see through my feigned irritation—that he knows, having read my mind, about my reignited crush, and now he feels sorry for me.
Once I’m dressed, I open mySiddurapp and recite the morning prayers that I’ve been working on learning to read in Hebrew. I try to focus on the words of each prayer, and it does help slow my heart rate a bit since it occupies most of my brain to try to read from right to left. I take a look at myself and opt to at least put on some tinted moisturizer and lip balm.
Josh sent me a text that he was outside. My heart rate starts to climb again, but overall, I’m a bit calmer than when I woke up.
Here we go.
Josh is there in his SUV. He’s wearing that damn green scarf that makes his eyes the color of the Caribbean Sea. I put sunglasses on to dull his eye color and help maintain my attempt at a poker face.
