“This is Aunt Georgie’s son, Joshua. It’s okay to say hi.”
“Hello,” she says quietly with her eyes to her gelt.
“Are we planning on spinning dreidels after dinner?” I ask, being careful not to lean into her space.
“I think so—that’s what Aunt Lily promised.”
“Then it must be so.” I try to ignore the warmth that heats the back of my neck at the mention of Lily’s name. I hang my coat in the front closet before I lean in and kiss my mother on the head.
Working to control my breath, I walk further into the house, toward the kitchen where there is a man who must be David standing at the stove with Rose. Sitting on the other side of the kitchen island is Lily. The sight of her fills me with a mixture of anxiety and warmth that just leaves me irritated.
Everyone is dressed up for the occasion. Lily, however, is next level. She’s wearing a light blue V-neck soft-looking sweater and has a cream-colored satin-ish pencil skirt that hits her mid-calf. She has a pair of ivory house slippers on, and even they look elegant. Her nails are painted a dark blue with some type of glitter or sparkle on them. She has applied minimal makeup but with a peach-colored gloss on her lips that makes them appear more kissable than ever. As soon as I take her in, I have a sense of physically responding to her, and just as urgently, I feel the need to get away as fast as my feet will move me. I take my gaze from her as quickly as I can.
“Chag Sameach,everyone.” I walk over to Rose. “Thank you for having me.” Knowing where I stand with her, I hug her and kiss her on the cheek as usual. I turn to Roselyn’s husband and introduce myself. He is red-headed, and about my height, with light hazel eyes. After we made our introductions, we discussed the usual: where we attended medical school and residency. Eventually, I realized I could delay longer, and I pivoted to Lily.
“Happy Hanukkah,” I manage, but before she can say whatever she is going to tell me, I cut her off. “I’m going to see if I can help my mother with anything.”
My mother hasn’t needed my help in recent memory, but I need to get out of that kitchen, and away from Lily. I’m rescued as I head into the parlor—Roselyn and my mother are setting up a large silver menorah, the oil lighting kind, in the front window. I step in to assist, for something to do. Rose calls everyone to the front room.
Roselyn lights the wick of the shamash, followed by the other wicks, one after the other, until there are three lit for the third night, saying the blessing as she lights.
“Baruch atah, Hashem Eloheinu, melech haolam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tsivanu l’hadlik ner shel Hanukkah. Baruch atah, Hashem Eloheinu, melech haolam, sh’asah nisim la-avoteinu v’imoteinu bayamim ha’heim bazman ha’zeh.”
Rose adds, “May His Light shine on all of us, on this third night of Hanukkah.” Rose then lights a second menorah in honor of the hostages still held in Gaza, and says another, longer prayer in Hebrew that I don’t follow.
“Amen,” we all say—Emunah, with the most enthusiasm. We sang a few songs, including what I remember is Lily’s favorite,Ma’oz Tzur. I keep myself from glancing her way, and as we seat ourselves around the table, I sit as far from her as I can. Throughout dinner, I do everything I can to engage David in conversation to avoid speaking with anyone else. As we are enjoying brisket, potatoes, green beans, kebbe, and fresh pita, I catch Lily out of the corner of my eye. She’s looking at me, confusion on her face, and maybe some hurt. She quickly looks away.
She may not understand, but I need to create this space. Hell, she needs me to stay away from her. I realized what I hadn’t figured out before laying eyes on her tonight. I can’t seem to untangle my feelings around her, so the best thing I can do for both of us is create space. On the one hand, I find her to be incredibly attractive, and my baser instinct is to flirt with her. But with the respect I have for her grandmother, I can’t approach her that way. An entanglement with me wouldn’t be a good experience for her, and as awkward as things are now, I know they’d be a hell of a lot worse if I hooked up with her.
On the other hand, there’s the woman I’ve been writing with, sharing things about myself in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever shared with anyone. At least not in the last nineteen years. This is the part of me that feels…What, exactly?I guess the word is vulnerable, and I hate the feeling as much as I hate the word. The idea of being vulnerable, of taking our private conversations off the page and into the spoken word, feels like too much exposure. It was one thing when it was just the two of us, but having our family around is a stark reminder to me of the kind of man I am and how, for her sake, it’s best to keep my distance. All of it makes me want to find the nearest bar, throw back a few shots, and either find a one-night stand or pick a fight with someone to blow off steam. I’m not cut out for this shit.
The connection we had in the bar that night when she told me what had happened, was a snapshot in time that feels so far removed from this one. Here, with everyone around us, I feel exposed. Some of our family may already be presuming too much about Lily and me. About what kind of relationship we could have.
I thought I’d have better control over my feelings tonight, the way I did when we were in Estes together. Currently, I feel muddled, and like I seriously need a drink. Something much stronger than the Manischewitz on the table.
When dinner is finished, Rose asks Lily and I to help clear the table together. We get to work, and I feel the divide growing as the silence—that I initiated—continues between us. She’s stopped looking at me, which is for the best. I said from the beginning I didn’t need another friend, and I didn’t need any drama. I know I’m doing the right thing, but part of me can’t help but feel like shit about it.
Washing dishes side by side, not a single word is spoken between us. It feels… off. After what seems like an eternity in the kitchen, we’re nearly done cleaning up when we hear a terrible sound, like a thud, followed by a scream that can be heard through the kitchen window that opens to the living room. Without a word, we look at each other before we run around the corner to find Rose down on the ground. Everyone in the room looked frozen in place and my heart stopped in my chest when I heard a muffled cry escape Lily’s mouth from behind her hand.
Rose must have missed her step when going into the den and landed face-down on the carpet. Even face down, I can see the clear shortening and unnatural external rotation of her right leg. David is by her side first, followed by Roselyn, who brought her daughter over to my mother without a word before crouching down to her grandmother’s other side. David goes into emergency medicine mode and begins directing the rest of us. “Help me turn her face up, stabilizing everything else. I will brace her head and neck.”
Wordlessly, we are at her side, ready to assist. David leans next to Rose’s ear. “Rose, are you conscious?”
It is quiet, but we hear a faint “Yes.” I realized I’d been holding my breath until then. Meanwhile, Lily chokes down a sob.
“Rose, we can all see you broke your right hip, and we are going to try to stabilize you as best we can, but we cannot leave you face down like this. He takes out his phone and dials 911 on the speaker while motioning with his head to my mother. Mom knows better than to try to take Emunah from the room at this point, but she has moved her to the far end of the family room and has her facing away from us, cooing at her and reassuring her that if someone is going to fall the best place to do it is in front of three medical providers.
We turn Rose over after David has braced her head and neck while he is giving details to the 911 operator over the phone. Rose screams again as her broken hip is moved in the turn. She is unnaturally pale, and has a large skin tear on her right forearm and a laceration above her left eyebrow. David is confirming her medications, including aspirin. Lily ran to the bathroom before she returned with a first aid kit and applied pressure to the laceration that was freely bleeding above her eye. Collectively, we all look at each other as David is done reporting to EMS and gathering information from Rose.
Did she trip and fall, or was she dizzy first? Did she lose consciousness? Where are her pills? He runs and grabs a freezer bag, and grabs all her medicine bottles from the bathroom. He looks at his wife and Lily and then at me. What he says is, “Maybe it’s best if I go with her for now, and we can swap out later once we are sure Emmy is okay.”
What we aren’t saying is that when an elderly person breaks a hip, it can be a sentinel event. We all know it, even Rose. Suddenly, none of us can make eye contact with each other. I feel a low-level panic growing in my chest.
I look at my mother, and the knowledge is on her face as well.
“I’ll follow you in my SUV, and then I can get you back once we get her settled.”Because I’m a fucking coward who can’t comfort my friend.I can hear small sobs coming from Lily. I just want to run away from whatever has happened between us, under the guise of helping out.
“Good idea,” I hear my mom say flatly.
