“I wish…” But I don’t even know where to finish that thought.
“I know you do.”
And that is it. We avoid all serious topics after that. At first, we were quiet, but then she started talking about the memories she had of being here, in Estes, with our families. She talks me into karaoke, and we probably do the worst rendition of “Islands in the Stream” in the song’s history. We can’t stop laughing, though. Then the DJ starts playing all 80’s hits, and we get out there and dance, also poorly. Weirdly, I haven’t had this much fun with a woman in a long time. It was either that or rage out. Without discussing it, we’re going with avoidance and laughter.
After tossing back a third shot, Lily starts to relax and gets more flirty. Her chair moved next to mine at some point. She puts her hand on my chest a few times while she’s laughing. I let her, but each time she lingers, I move her hand away. The DJ plays “Careless Whisper,” and now we are dancing a bit too close for comfort. Halfway through, I excuse myself to the restroom. It takes every ounce of willpower I have to follow through and step away. Not only is Lily drop-dead gorgeous, but she also filled in to about an E cup, from what I can tell, and keeps leaning into me.God, I needed a cold shower and a black coffee.
I wash my hands in the empty bathroom as I meet my eyes in the mirror. I know I’m buzzed, but I’m also disgusted with myself. Here she’s pouring her heart out to me, and all I can think about is objectifying her… I splash cold water on my face to stop my train of thought.
I walk out of the restroom, and Lily’s asleep at our table. At this point, I’m kind of relieved. She passed out with her head down on her folded hands. I call a cab to spare me from walking with her over my shoulder. I pay our tab, grab her handbag, and fireman carry her out to the curb as the taxi pulls up. Placing her in the back seat, I lay her down on her side before I walk around to sit up front. I gave the driver my address, and took Lily home with me. No way am I going to get her door code out of her, at this point. After returning to my place, Ginger sniffed around us before realizing we were not fully functional and trotted back to her bed.
I bring Lily up to the closest guest room and lay her down on her side, tucking pillows behind her. If she choked on her vomit tonight, I would never forgive myself. I shove a bunch of extra pillows from my room behind her and put a trash can in front of her, hoping for the best. After looking her over, I grab a bath towel and throw it down under her head. I set up camp in the armchair next to the bed and promptly passed out in it.
A few hours later, I woke to the sounds of Lily vomiting in the bathroom. I stand up and try to stretch. Between the hike and sleeping in the chair, my back is tweaked. Going back to my own room, I change into sweats and grab shorts and a T-shirt for her. I brush my teeth, take naproxen for my back, and splash cold water on my face. I grab a toothbrush from the closet and my toothpaste, and head back to the guest room.
Lily’s just coming out of the bathroom, looking more sober but not well.
“Got you a toothbrush. You, okay?” Ginger pads into the room sniffs the air, and promptly leaves again.
“Ugh,” She grabs onto her braid and takes a tentative sniff. “Managed to miss my hair. I’ll need to clean that bathroom in the morning.” She looks around. “Is this your house? Your room?” She looks mortified—I raise both my hands up in what I hope is a calming gesture.
“This is my home, but this is a guest room. One of them. My room’s down the hall. I slept on the chair because I was concerned about you, in case you got sick in your sleep.”
She puts both her hands over her face. “Oh God.” She peeks out between her fingers. “This is so embarrassing.”
“It was an impressive bender. I think you could give your Aunt Barbara a run for her money.”
“Did you say something about a toothbrush?”
“Yep. Here you go.”
She keeps one hand over her mouth and reaches with the other for the implements. I gesture to the bed, “I’m leaving you a shirt and sweatpants that my sister left here, so they should fit. I’m going to head to bed since we have that appointment in the morning. Don’t worry, I’ll wake you—with coffee—in time to shower back at your cabin.”
“Thanks, she says, still covering her mouth.” She gestures with the toothbrush and toothpaste toward the bathroom. “I’m just going to…”
“Yeah, sure. See you in the morning.”
“Josh.”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for listening earlier, to everything.”
“Thank you for trusting me. And I’m sorry about everything.”
“Thanks.”
Walking to my bedroom, I think about Lily having to live through everything she described: what it’s done to her, and what it did to our friendship. I consider what kind of mother could decide that her daughter is a liar and leave her in that position. I realize my hands have curled back into fists when I walk into my room. Ginger is fast asleep in her bed in the corner. I feel almost overwhelmed by a sense of protectiveness. While I do hope we continue to remain friends, I’m suddenly thankful for the physical distance between us. The fact that we live in different towns, so far apart, really seems like it’s for the best.
I feel heartbroken over what she has experienced. And angry that the young girl I knew was preyed upon—that she had no safe direction to turn to. At least she’s getting help now, I think, climbing into bed. My last thought is not about how she’s a survivor or that her mother failed her. My last thought before I drift off is of what it felt like to dance with her body flush to mine. In a word, sensational.
Planning Plans
Lily, Maryland, Thanksgiving 2024
“How pathetic is it that I volunteer to work most holidays?”
I am sitting next to Kelly, one of the emergency room nurses, where I am spending another Thanksgiving, working an extra overnight shift. I think everyone knows I do this to avoid my family. When Kelly starts to open their mouth to answer, I put up my hand. “On second thought, don’t answer that.”
