I push to my feet, then offer her my hand. When she’s standing, I pull her to my chest and press my lips to her head. “I know I’m a lot, and this is so new we squeak. I’m sorry it didn’t get to stay shiny for very long.”
“Shiny is overrated. Real and reliable is what I need.”
I huff, my breath brushing her hair. “Baby, I’m as real as they get, but the reliable part…You’ll have to be patient with me, Halfpint. I’m not known for that.” I lean back, gripping her face between my hands. “Promise you’ll be patient.”
“As long as you can be patient with me, and maybe dial back the jealousy because I not only work with guys, I have friends who are guys. Although I haven’t seen most of my friends in months.”
“Did you, by any chance fuck any of these guys?” Her lips press together, suppressing a smile while her brows lift. My head falls back, and I groan loudly. “I promise I’ll try, but it might take me a minute to get past this need to rip limbs from bodies for touching you. I’ve never experienced it before, so managing it will take time.”
“I’ll make sure you learn quickly.” She winks, then takes my hand in hers, leading me toward the door.
“You sure you want to go back down there like this?” I ask, knowing it will open a fucking massive can of bullshit.
“I am if you are.” Doubt crosses her eyes as she tucks her bottom lip between her teeth.
I reach up, pulling it away. “I’m sure.”
“Then let’s go.” We barely exit the conservatory before she pauses again. “I was um…. I was just wondering why Noah doesn’t live with you.”
“That’s part of that story I promised. Cliff notes version?” She nods, and I take a breath. “When I found out about him, I was pissed. The sight of him…well, it triggered me. Or I thought it was him. Who knows anymore if it was Noah, my dad, or Noah’s incubator. But a few months ago, Casey made me promise to come around more and try with him. It bothered her that I was avoiding him. Graham, too. And when his mother…” I pause, remembering as far as the world knows, Krista ran off. No one will ever find her body, and no one but my dad cares enough to report her missing. A friend of Will’s handled that with some carefully constructed emails and texts from her phone. “Once she was out of the picture, it was easier for me to be around him. It took like a day to realize I want him. God, I want him. But I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for him. And I can’t stand the thought of tearing him away from what he knows.”
“Babies don’t usually remember those things, but Jagger, you would not be bad for him. The second he heard your voice,he lit up like it was Christmas.”
Joy explodes in my chest, sending heat to my cheeks. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” She tugs my hand again. “Now come on. We’ve held up the party long enough.”
Our fingers laced together, we walk in silence the rest of the way. A strange fullness blossoms in my chest. My head feels clear.
Contentment? Peace? Whatever it is, the need to cling tight consumes me.
We approach the dining room, meeting Graham at the entry. He looks at our clasped hands, wariness flitting across his features for a brief moment before he shrugs it off. “Go on,” he tells me. “They’re waiting for you.”
“And you.” He’s not getting off the hook today. “This party is as much for you as it is for Noah.”
Graham chuckles, shaking his head. “My dumbass little brother,” he mutters. “It’s foryou, too, Jagger. Noah won’t remember this day.Youwill.”
My mouth twists, the moment of contentment vanishing with a breath. “It will create a lot of questions.”
“No one in there will care, Jagger. They may not like me much, but they all care about you.”
My eyes collide with my dad’s as he comes down the stairs. “Not everyone.”
“Owning up to your failures is hard enough. Imagine having to own up to the fact you failed your son.”
“Don’t have to imagine it.”
“You haven’t failed him, Jagger,” Poppy whispers. “You’re navigating impossible circumstances, but you haven’t failed him.”
Graham gives her an approving nod, then jerks his head for us to go into the room. I guide Poppy through the door, then Graham and I follow. No one bats an eye at us. Okay, almost no one. Lily doesn’t just bat an eye. Her entire face lights up with excitement as she elbows Ashleigh, nodding toward Poppy and me.
I make a note to warn Poppy to steer clear of those two. They’re the female equivalent of Maddox and Ryder.
Speaking of…Quinn bounces a red-faced Noah on her hip while Maddox wrestles a squirming Asher. My heart squeezes at the tears streaking down his face, knowing they are there because I passed him off.
He spots me across the room, and the cries become louder as he makes grabby hands toward me. My heart thumps hard against my ribs with panic and an inconceivable need to console him. Poppy squeezes my fingers, and Graham grabs my shoulder. “You don’t have to do anything,” Graham whispers. “They won’t judge you. Not a single soul in this room will bat an eye. Most of them have their own traumas, so they may be able to relate, but this is all on your time. You don’t have to do anything, but stand right here.”
Resignation and acceptance expand my lungs as I make my decision. “Yes, I do because watching him cry for me is killing me.”
