“We’re not what?” I ask with a jerk of her head when her eyes leave mine. “We’re not what,cher? Tell me.”
“We’re not, you know, together.”
“Hmm.” I see it. I see everything in those words, in her eyes. The sweet girl whose confidence was trashed by an asshole, trying so desperately to cling to hope. She may believe the beauty is worth the pain, but she’s still terrified of the agony.
And fuck if I don’t see thelove there too. I need to end this now. It would be easy to just pack up and return to New York, but I can’t let gojust yet.
She tries to pull away from me as redness once again creeps up her neck. My silence has embarrassed her further. I tighten my grip, holding her in place, and drop my lips to hers. “We may ormay not betogether,” I emphasize the word, “but whatever you thought you just walked in on, you’re wrong.”
“But you love her,” she whispers, reminding me of my confession a few weeks ago.
And it hits me like a ton of bricks. I do love Zoey. She and I have a strange bond that I can’t explain. But just like with Ryder, I’m notin lovewith Zoey. I never have been. I was only in love with the idea of her.
An idea that was shattered the minute a set of whiskey eyes replaced the icy ones in my dreams. The second I heard that sexy voice singing of heatwaves and southern boy smiles, my desire morphed from wanting to feel a connection with someone special to knowing it was right in front of me.
This is a train on a broken track traveling at high speed. There is no stopping it. Not for either of us. I guess my only choice is to enjoy the ride before it goes up in a blaze of fury.
“I do love, Zoey,cher. I love Ryder too. I cannot fathom a life without them in my life. They’re both connected to me in ways that not many would understand. Especially Ryder. We’re connected by our souls. But with you, I’ve found something else. Something I didn’t know existed until you walked into my life.”
Her eyes glisten with unshed tears. “I feel it too,” she whispers.
“I hope you meant it when you said it’s worth the pain.” I swipe my thumbs under her eyes, wiping away those unshed tears. “Because, darlin’, this will be one hell of a crash.”
Bitter Sinking Feeling
Present
The walls are closing in again. I’ve decided to embrace it though. I’ve spent years trying to fight off the inevitable,and it has been for nothing. These demons that haunt me were always going to win, but there’s not anything left for me to fight for.
Time and time again, I’ve hidden away the part of me that would cause concern. I’ve hidden it all for so long that I didn’t notice I’d been slipping. I missed the lingering looks from Ryder when I would comment on something that I thought was there. Or the worry in Dane’s eyes when I answered a question no one else heard.
I know how dramatic I sound. I’m like a teenage girl commiserating over her first broken heart. Except, I broke my heart. I broke it to save hers.
I broke it because the noise has become voices whispering to me in the dark. The hallucinations started to control me. The thoughts of desperation began to consume me.
I tried so hard to latch on to her. I wished and commanded and prayed and pleaded for her to be the antidote to this poison that flows through me. For a few short weeks, I pretended she was everything I needed her to be. The cure to my broken mind. Because she’d already cured my heart.
Two weeks ago
“What time do you get off of work tonight?” I ask her as I pinned her against the shower wall with my body, my lips tracing a hot path down her neck.
“What makes you think I don’t have to work at the club tonight?” she murmurs as her breathing picks up.
“Because I’ve got your schedule memorized, Canary. I told you two weeks ago if you’re going to take your clothes off for an audience, I’m gonna be sitting front and center.”
I slide my hand down her back, dragging a finger between her cheeks as I nudge that tight hole she hasn’t let me have. Yet.
“Maddox,” she breathes as I tease her.
“What time,cher?” I ask again as my mouth trails to her peaked nipples.
“I—uh—four-thirty, I think.” Her hands tangle in my hair as she presses herself into my mouth.
“Good. Gives us plenty of time.”
“For what?”
“Don’t worry about that, darlin’. You just plan on a good time.Laissez les bon temp rouler, cher.”
