“Why are you so damned determined to fight everyonenow? When all anyone wants to do is help you?”
“Why are you so damned determined to fix me, Bastain? I can’t be fixed,” I yell, throwing my hands in the air in frustration.
“I know what it is to run, Maddox. To shove down the demons. To feel guilt and blame where there should be none. It doesn’t get better until you face them.”
“Then you also know that sometimes those demons are too dark. Sometimes you just can’t win. Especially when the biggest one is yourself.”
His head tilts to the side as his eyes search mine. Brows lower into a deep V, arms cross his broad chest as he contemplates my words. “That what you think? That you’re a demon?Non sei un demone. Sono un demone.You’re just a man, Maddox. A man that’s been through more than his fair share of shit, but a man nonetheless.”
You’re not a demon. I’m a demon.I shake my head. He doesn’t understand. He has no idea the things I’ve done.Moreover, he doesn’t have an inkling of the things in my head. The constant noise that never seems to go away. Too much, too often, and unrelenting, my mind is chaos and commotion nearly every waking minute and often in my sleep as well. That is when I sleep at all. Sleep and I haven’t been on a first-name basis in over a decade.
“It’s what I know, Bastian. You think you know me because you’ve watched me all these years, but you have no idea who I am. No one does.”
“That’s because you won’t let them know. I get it. I do, Maddox. But you have people who want to be there for you. You have a girl in there that wants to be there for you.”
I raise a brow. “That’s nothing.” I lie.
“I want to know what you did. She has been a mess all day. Is this about Zoey?” My jaw clenches at the remark, but I remain silent. “Is this because you still want her? Or because you’re afraid you’ll come in second place again? That she’ll go back to her husband?”
“Fuck you,” I hiss as my fists clench at my side, itching to slam into his face. He has no idea—not the slightest inkling of the disaster I’ve caused.
“That what you are, Maddox? A coward? Too afraid to face your shit. Too afraid to let people in.”
“From what I hear, it’s a family trait,” I hiss. “You’re not exactly open with everyone, Bastian.”
“No, but I do let the ones close to me in. I share myself with them. You don’t even do that. For all your posturing about Zoey and your little fuck buddy—”
“Ryder isn’t myfuck buddy.” I grit my teeth at his minimization of our relationship.
“I don’t care what you are to each other. That’s not my point. My point is that the two people you are closest to don’t get to know you either. Not really. You pick and choose what to show people. What to tell them.”
“They know me enough. I’m sorry if I don’t sit around the campfire singingKumbaya.”
“Do they know you’re a fucking asshole? Or a hypocrite?”
“Go to hell, Bastian.”
“I don’t need to go there, Maddox. Hell is my kingdom. One where you never belonged, and weallfought to keep you out.”
I let out a mirthless chuckle because that’s a lesson in futility I don’t think they’ve learned even to this day. “I’m reasonably certain you all failed.” I didn’t look for hell, but it found me anyway. Sought me out like prey, tearing me apart until there’s nothing left but pieces to feed on. And it keeps feeding on those pieces even now.
“Give me the keys and get inside,” he orders with an outstretched hand demanding the keys.
“Or what? We fight again? Our faces still look like shit from the other day.”
He gives me a smirk as he rubs the corner of his bruised eye. “I beat your ass. You beat mine. The cycle is vicious.Corretto?Thought I’d just bypass the exertion and get to the point where you do what I say.”
I watch as he reaches behind him, already knowing what he’s doing. He pulls the .45 from behind him, where it was tucked in the waistband of his jeans. He scratches the side of his head as his grin turns cunning, and his eyes show the intensity that intimidates nearly everyone whose path he crosses. “You either hand me the keys and get inside or—”
“Or what?” I cut him off with a challenging smirk of my own. “You’ll kill me?”
“Nah. You’re my brother,and I kind of like you. Besides, I get the impression that’s what you want. But I’ll shoot your goddamn kneecaps,fratello.”
I grit my teeth as I slap the keys into his hand. “Fine. You fucking win. But you can’t keep me prisoner forever.”
“Not forever. Just until I know you’re okay.”
He turns to the side, gesturing for me to go ahead of him. “Whatever you say,” I mutter. I slip my hands into my pockets as I walk back to the stairs that lead into his home, my fingers grazing over the second set of keys I grabbed. The set Bastian knows nothing about and won’t until it’s too late.
