Ryder has Heaven now. He will be fine without me, but for a long time, I knew he needed me. No matter how bad we were for each other. Over fifteen years of friendship had not only created a lifelong bond, but it had also created the most fucking unhealthy codependency. I was killing Ryder, but I knew it wouldhave beenso much worse without me. When Heaven came back into his life, I knew he would be okay. It would be a long hard road, but he would be okay.
Ryder was my saving grace at that school,and he never knew it. At first, I withdrew into myself again, but then these kids started approaching me. Older kids who liked to have fun. That was when Irealized what my last name meant to people. I seized the opportunity when they began inviting me to their home and to parties all over Manhattan. The depraved debauchery of New York’s debutants and social elite sucked my twelve-year-old self in. It was the escape I thought I needed.
I dove headfirst into all of it. I appreciated the relief I found in smoking weed. I loved the way alcohol would take away my worries and care for anything. And I soon learned sex was a great stress relief. It didn’t hurt that between the ages of twelve and thirteen, I shot up seven inches, the innocent baby face began to change, and I no longer looked like a sweet kid. At thirteen, I was passing for a few years older already. And I learned how to use my smile. I was well aware I was being used. Male or female, they wanted to be attached to my last name and use me to make their significant others jealous.
That, of course, led to fighting. I got my ass kicked on a few occasions by jealous boyfriends until I learned how to handle myself. Soon enough, I’d earned a reputation. It was insane, considering I was so young, that older, bigger guys considered me someone not to be messed with, but it was survival of the fittest. I was already a pro at surviving anyway, right?
On breaks at home, I would still beg Dad to let me stay. Except when he said no, I would lash out. He was replacing things I destroyed on a regular basis, and then I was suffering the consequences. I knew I was disappointing him, but I couldn’t find it in me to care. I also couldn’t find it in me to stop.
But the summer before eighth grade started, I didn’t bother asking to stay. After he found me fucking Callie’s babysitter in the kitchen, I knew there was no point.
I walked into the school, a fake smile plastered to hide the fact I wanted to vomit. Being back there meant being subjected to torment for another ten months.
After dropping my bags off in the student apartment, I went in search of somefriendsto help take my mind off the fact I’d returned to hell. For some reason, that led me to the locker rooms of the gym. When I walked in, there was a brawl. Three guys going at it like it was a fight to the death while all the other kids stood around, encouraging the bloodshed.
As I looked closer, I realized two of the kids were entitled little pricks who made it a point to bully anyone they could get away with, and the other kid was someone I’d never seen. The anger and fury on the kid was scary. He fought the other two kids like a street brawler. Nothing like the two preppy misfits that thought they were thirteen-year-old badasses.
But two on one wasn’t fair. I wasn’t going to stand around cheering for the kid who was in an unfair fight like the rest of the overprivileged heathens. So I grabbed Richie Lerner by the collar of his shirt, pulling him out of the fight. I flung him to the ground then stood my lanky body over him. Although I wasn’t as lanky as most of the kids here because I also learned if I was going to continue drawing the ire of all the boyfriends of the school, then I needed some meat on me to handle myself.
Richie attempted to get up, but my fist connecting with his nose kept him down. Without the two on one disadvantage, the new kid made quick work of Josh McFarland. I watched as he stood over the other boy, blood dripping from his nose, bruises already forming on his cheek, panting with a look of war in his deep hazel eyes.
And his spirit called to me, like kindred souls meeting for the first time. I recognized the pain in his eyes. I felt the anguish that he harbored in his heart but refused to show the rest of the world.
He looked over to me with a nod and a bloody smirk.
The first time I met Ryder Jamison would be forever ingrained in my mind. From that point on, we became as inseparable as two people could be. It didn’t hurt that he was also my apartment mate that year and every year after.
We bonded over many things. Our fucked up childhood—or the parts I shared anyway—our love of music and the rage and the pain we both endured. Even when we said nothing for hours, just plucked away at our guitars, we felt at peace.
We even began sharing breaks. We went home with each other for holidays and summers. I’d finally had that friend I’d always wanted. Someone who got me without me needing to explain a thing. He just knew.
And Ryder was there for another fucked up day in my life when we were in Louisiana for Christmas break our freshmen year.
Journal entry #5
December 2008-March 2010
This time, Dad sent a driver to pick me up from the airport with the excuse of working late. Chris wasn’t coming home from Texas Tech this break with the excuse of finals. Truth is, I think he just didn’t want to be there. His trips home were getting less frequent every year.
When we walked through the heavy oak doors, voices carried throughout the house, angry and resentful. I froze with my arm thrown across Ryder’s chest to halt his movements.
I recognized my Dad’s voice, as well as his new wife. He’d married Callie’s nanny, much to my displeasure the spring before.
But the third voice was one I hadn’t heard in a few years. One I’dmissed butknew better than to mention.
“You’re a fucking asshole, Trey!” she yelled out in a high-pitchedshriek. “I have a right to be here.”
“I’m not having this discussion with you again, Jewel. You don’t have rights within this family. You had privileges that you lost because you couldn’t keep your fucking nose clean.”
“Maybe you should both calm down,” I heard Jamie say softly as I slowly made my way to the kitchen. Each step felt like I was walking to my doom, but I couldn’t stop myself. In my heart, I knew something was about to shake my world. Rip apart everything I thought I knew. Something that had been niggling at me for years. Since the last conversation I’d overheard between my dad and my aunt.
“I am calm,” my dad said,and I could tell his teeth were clenched tightly. “I have to protect my son. Even if that means protecting him from family.”
“Protect him?” Jewel laughed an unbelieving, sarcastic sound. “You ship him off for months at a time, and you want me to believe you’re protecting him?”
“That’s exactly what I’m doing. I send him away because ofyou. Because you never listen. I knew you’d come around eventually, and every time you do, he gets hurt.”
“When has he ever been hurt? When have I ever hurt him?”
