“No. I really should go to bed. Try to sleep a little anyway.”
I want to ask her to stay. Ask her to keep talking. I want to know why she was crying. But I don’t say anything. I just smile and watch her walk away.
It’s for the best anyway. I have no business getting in her business.
When she’s out of the room, I walk upstairs to the conservatory, then out to the balcony. I pull the cigarettes out of my pocket and light up. I stare at the river, watching the barges push through with their horns bellowing in the air.
I lean back into the chair I’m sitting in, blowing the smoke from my lungs. I guess I should feel fortunate that Bastian didn’t make me give up the nicotine too. Although it does absolutely nothing to offset my cravings for what I really want, I am not stupid enough to go after it. Not yet anyway.
I have missed River City. Homesickness has kept me in knots for years. Being here has me in knots too. This place is full of memories and regrets. I suppose it’s better I’m here at Bastian’s. There are no memories here. Not that I need the help, but there is nothing to pull my mind into the past.
Another barge comes through with its horn blasting. This one sends pain through my head and causes me to break out into a sweat. It’s like the damn thing won’t stop.
Finally, I can’t take the noise anymore. It’s put me on edge. Pretty sure Bastian doesn’t want me losing my shit the first night back. So I go back inside.
I’m surprised when I see Quinn again. And she looks just as surprised to see me.
“Thought you were going back to bed?” I say I walk to the kitchen for a bottle of water.
She gives me a funny look. Her mouth opens and closes before she shakes her head, looking confused. “Have you been out there all this time?”
All this time? I turn back towards the window, and my gut clenches. I’ve lost time again. It’s happened off and on my entire life, but lately, it’s been more and more frequent.
I plaster on a fake smile and look back at her. “I guess time slipped away from me. Still trying to sort this shit out,” I tap the side of my head.
“Is it hard getting off?Of drugs, I mean?” Her face turns the color of cherries as her gaze drops to the floor. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that. Verity just told me—”
“It’s fine. The world knows what happened. To answer your question. Yes, it’s hard, and it’s painful. I hate to leave you in here alone, but I’ve got a headache. Think I’m going to try to get a couple hours sleep.”
She gives me a nod, still looking embarrassed. “Verity will be awake soon.”
“I’m sure she will, darlin’. And don’t feel bad for asking what everyone wants to know. You can always ask me anything.”
That earns me a smile that I carry with me to bed. And into my dreams.
Left the past unspoken
Present Day
The thing about being me? I lose track of time and perception, but I’m also aware I’m doing it for the most part. For years, I’ve been great at realizing everything I see and hear isn’t necessarily there. I look for clues and tiny nuances that let me know if it is real or in my head.
It’s kind of frustrating when youknowyou hear and see things that could potentially land your ass in a straitjacket. Like right now. That thumping hasn’t stopped, and it won’t stop until the delusion goes away.
“He still there?” Bryan asks, referring to the boy bouncing a ball in the middle of the table I’m sitting at. Bryan is the only one that knows I hallucinate.
“Man, why don’t we just leave? If we go, maybe it will go away.”
I blow out a heavy sigh. He doesn’t understand, but he also doesn’t judge. More importantly, he doesn’t tell anyone. “He would just be playing withiton the bike,” I tell him with a shake of my head.
Why a boy bouncing a ball? I don’t fucking know. I don’t know why I see half the shit I do. The other half? In my opinion, the other half is my demons and memories mocking me. Forcing me to relive my greatest hits and worst flops.
“I can’t keep sitting here, Maddox. You said you needed to tell those assholes something before we leave, but you haven’t even started.”
“I don’t know where to start,” I confess. The bouncing stops. I look up to the boy staring at me “I don’t know what to say or who to tell.”
“Then just write one big cover all apology and be done with it, so we can go.”
“Because they deserve more than an apology. They deserve to know the truth.”
