Somebody I Used to Know
I work quickly to find my clothes. I find my jeans in the corner. My boots under the bed. I am really hoping to get out of here before he comes out of the shower. It’s always best to leave as quietly as possible. Before things get awkward.
Things shouldn’tbeawkward. Not with us. He knows how I feel. I’ve told him more than once that this is and never will be anything but friends with benefits. But it’s where weare. Or where I’m at anyway.
I’m sliding on my boot when the water shuts off. Dammit. I thought I was going to make it.
I debate for a second, walking out without putting it on. It’s not a good idea. It’s freezing out, and I can’t afford to lose any toes.
Literally, I can’t afford it. I can’t afford the medical bills. I can’t afford the missed work.
I hear the door to the bathroom open, making me grimace. “Where are you off to? I was hoping you’d stay the night.”
I shake my head. It’s like this every time. Every. Single. Time.
“That’s not the arrangement, Brett,” I remind him.
“It could be,” he says softly as he slides in behind me, planting kisses on my neck. “Besides, you used to stay over all the time.”
“Brett, no. We were kids then. You know what this is. We agreed,” I argue. I argue every time. It’s my fault. I know this should end. He’s caught feelings I’ll never have, even though I’ve discouraged him at every turn.
“We could be good together, Heaven. We already are. We’re friends. We like the same things. And you know how I feel about Tyler.”
My head drops. His argument is valid. He’s my best friend. It’s why thisfriends with benefitsthing seemed like it could work. A way for us to blow off steam with no attachments or expectations.
Yes. I was an idiot. But I was also lonely. I can’t make things any clearer, but it doesn’t seem to deter him.
The same thoughts cross my mind like they do every time. I need to end this before he gets hurt. Even though it’s probably too late for that. Brett deserves better, and I am starting to think he isn’t even trying to find anyone anymore.
But I also know, when the urge strikes, I’ll be right back here. Because he’s always available and he’s safe for me. He can fulfill a physical need without breaking my heart. Not that he could if he tried. My heart has been unavailable for a decade. I barricaded it with a brick wall and reinforced it with steel.
I don’t have room or time for anyone other than Tyler and Matt. They are my only priority.
“Brett, I-” I start to tell him that we should stop whatever this is, but he stops my words with a kiss. A kiss I wish I could melt into, but all I can think about is that he feels things I don’t. When he releases my lips, I sigh sadly. “I have to go. I’ve got a long day tomorrow.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” he asks, resigned that I’m not giving in to him.
I shake my head. “Delilah is going with me. Thank you for offering, though,” I smile at him.
“If something happens, if Delilah can’t go, promise you’ll let me know?” he asks, his forehead touching mine. “You don’t need to go alone.”
This is why I wish I could love him. He knows tomorrow is going to be hard for me. “I promise,” I tell him.
He holds up his pinky, making me laugh. All the awkwardness from earlier is gone, and I’m just with the boy who’s been my best friend since I was eight. We link pinkies then fall into our secret handshake from when we were kids. Then, without looking back, I walk out the front door, going across the lawn that has separated us for most of our lives.
I step into the cold, lonely house I grew up in and shiver. Part of me wishes I had stayed with Brett, so I didn’t have to be here alone. Tyler and Matt are both staying with friends tonight since I won’t be here to get them to school in the morning, but even if they were, I’d feel the same. This house doesn’t feel like home anymore. Nothing has felt like home in a very long time.
I walk up the stairs, dragging my hand along the wooden banister, feeling the knicks in the paint. The third and fifth steps creak under my weight just like they have for years. It always let my parents know when I’d stayed out past curfew in the years before I went to New York.
I make my way through the hallway past Tyler and Matt’s room, and even my own, to my parents’ room. I walk in there like I do every night after Tyler is asleep and Matt is in his room, going straight for the picture on the nightstand. The one of my parents’ twenty-fifth anniversary right before Tyler was born.
I pick it up, holding it close to my chest, and let the tears fall. Nothing in my life has turned out like I thought it would. I’ve been left with this emptiness I’ve never been able to fulfill. Not since—well not in a long time. My parents were always so busy with Nova and then withMatt,but I understood. I also knew, no matter what, that I always had their support and encouragement through every mistake, reminding me to keep pushing forward.
Until three weeks ago when it was all taken. The two people in my life who have always been there, holding my hand through everything life has thrown at me in the last several years, are gone. In the blink of an eye, they were stolen from me.
Another tear falls. I miss them so much.
The front door closing has me standing quickly. I hear those creaking steps, letting me know someone is coming up the stairs. I grab the baseball bat from under my parents’ bed before I tiptoe out to the door. I slowly pull the door open, wincing at the groaning sound it makes. I take a breath then step out with the bat raised above my head, screaming at the top of my lungs. I swing, connecting with something solid.
