Two words that have been on constant rotation in my mind for the last two hours. Like a broken record it repeats, tumbling around in my head, but still seems so unreal.
Until the words morph, transforming themselves from something so vague and general to something much,muchmore personal and real.
I’m going to be a father.
That had me on the floor with my head between my knees.
I’ve always wanted kids in theory. Later in my life, when everything had been planned. Not now when I’m nineteen, in college, and chasing music.
My first thought was who else has she been fucking. My second thought was she’s trying to trap me. It only took a split second for those thoughts to vanish. Even without seeing the unadulterated terror in her eyes, I know neither are something she’d ever do, and I’m being an asshole just thinking them.
My third thought is the one that has clung to me. My demon drags me deeper into the abyss, squeezing my chest and taking my breath because this is my fault. I’ve done this to her. To us. I should’ve been more careful. I should’ve taken extra precautions instead of being the selfish bastard I am, only ever worried about myself.
I turn up the bottle of Macallan, taking a long pull of the golden liquid. I wish it would burn more going down, but I’ve had so much, I’m numb to the feeling.
I know I shouldn’t be sitting on the floor of my bedroom getting drunk. I should be with her, reassuring her that everything will be okay. It’s just more proof of my selfishness.
I grab my phone, messaging her. I need her to know I’m not angry with her. That we will be okay.
We have to be okay. I can’t lose her. She has become my purpose for everything. I want to be better, do better for her. I like who I am with her.
I squeeze my eyes shut. I can’t fuck this up. I can’t be selfish anymore. I have to put her first. I need to show her I can be what she needs. What they both need.
I’m not sure when I pass out, but I wake, still on my floor, with the sun shining brightly through my window. I throw my hand up to block the blinding light. I check my phone and see it’s still early.
I also see a message from my mother. Just seeing her name across my phone has all the self-directed anger changing its course.
Margret: I am in town. I want to see you.
Ryder: You can want in one hand and shit in the other.
Margret: The American vulgarities are not becoming of someone of your station. I am your mother. Why do you choose to treat me with such disrespect? What have I done to deserve this treatment?
Ryder: Give me two weeks to make a list
Margret: You were always so ungrateful of the sacrifices I made for you.
Ryder: What do you want, Margret?
Margret: Rayna’s charity benefit is approaching. Do you have your donation ready?
Ryder: There it is. The truth. I have it. Stop by this afternoon around five. Don’t plan on staying.
If she were asking for any other reason, I’d tell her to fuck herself. The fact that she is running a charity for my sister nearly has me say it anyway. It’s a bloody joke that she seems so determined to use my sister’s death to make herself appear like a caring mother. Especially considering she is the reason Rayna is dead.
I close my eyes, trying to force the memory away, but there’s no use.
“Ryder, I need you,” Rayna’s voice whispers to me through the phone.
“What’s wrong?” I don’t bother disguising my panic. Any time Rayna utters those words, something bad has happened.
“I’m pregnant.” Her voice cracks. “Mother wants me to have an abortion. I don’t want to, Ryder.”
“Then you won’t,” I inflect as much assurance in my voice as I can muster, as I worry how I can keep that promise when I’m in New York and she is in London. Rayna, in her need to gain our mother’s approval, has never been able to deny the evil woman anything she demands. But Rayna would never be able to live with herself over this. Over the last few years, Rayna’s spark has dimmed so, I’ve worried she’s been on the verge of a breakdown. If she goes through with this, she will never recover. “I mean it, Rayna. Tell her no.”
“I did, Ry. She’s not listening. She says that it will bring shame on the family name. That it will embarrass Grandfather.”
“Fucking bitch,” I hiss. “Rayna, I’m going to catch the next flight out. We will go to Grandfather and tell him, then I’m bringing you back here. You need to get away from that woman.”
