“Our bed,” I correct him.
He shakes his head with a grunt. “No, Ryder, your bed. Yeah, she’s attracted to me, but it’s been you she’s drawn to. It’s you she’s got feelings for. Did you see her face when you said that to her?”
I shake my head, denying what he’s saying. He must be wrong. He has to be.
“Open your eyes, Ryder. She likes us all. She likes the rest of us as friends. You, she likes more. She is falling for you.”
“Why the hell would she do something stupid like that?” I growl. “I’m a first-class bastard. I don’t do feelings or emotions or relationships.”
“First, you’re not a bastard all the time. Only when you choose to be. Second, maybe she sees beyond the bullshit. Maybe she really sees you.”
“God, I fucking hope not,” I mutter under my breath.
He hears me though. Or he just knows what I’m thinking. He usually does. “Why, Ryder? Because maybe you’re falling for her too?”
“Will you stop bloody saying that!” I jam my aching hands into my hair, pulling it by the roots.
“Yeah, sure, Ry. I’ll stop. Because after that stunt, you probably don’t need to worry about it anymore. You broke her heart already.” With a shrug of his shoulders, he walks out. For the first time in years, he leaves me to deal with my demons alone.
It hasn’t even beentwenty-four hours, and I’m freaking out. My chest feels like an anvil is sitting on it. Everything that happened yesterday has been playing on a loop in my head. I drank myself sober hoping it would stop.
I wanted Heaven to back off, but the thought that Maddox might be right is driving me to the edge of insanity. I don’t want her gone for good, but what if I really did push her too far?
He’s right about one thing. I have never pursued anyone, not male or female. And the list of people I claim to miss is short. For years, there were only four people who made it, and two of them are dead now.
But I did miss her. I missed her over the Thanksgiving break. I missed her for the two days after the penthouse. I miss her now.
Fuck!
This is not supposed to happen to me. I don’t want any more attachments in my life. Dane and Jake have made their way into my very small circle because we share a love of music. That was unexpected, but it’s been an easy friendship to embrace.
Heaven, though, is different. I just wanted in her pants. I was intrigued by her rejection. It was a challenge. But since trying to overcome that challenge, I’ve started tofeelsomething. She’s gotten under my skin. She’s still a challenge becausesheis challenging, but she’s more than that.
She is beautiful and brilliant. Like the brightest of diamonds, she shines and doesn’t even know it. She is an understated, unassuming fire that excites me. She is soft-spoken and sweet but not afraid to hand me my balls.
She’s caring and considerate of others. She never expects anything from anyone. She only wants to give. She’s compassionatealmost to a fault.
The longer I lay here in my bed staring at the dark ceiling, the heavier that weight gets. It feels like it’s suffocating me, sucking the life out of my very soul. My head and heart are waging a battle to the death.
My mind screams at me to leave it alone. It wants me to protect my heart. If she doesn’t come back, it’s probably for the best. She doesn’t need my darkness, and I don’t need anyone else in my life to let me down. I don’t need the last piece of this thing beating in my chest to die a bloody death.
But it’s that piece that wants to grow and expand. That tiny sliver that remains wants to save my soul. Is she my redemption? Or will she be the final nail in the proverbial coffin?
Can she save my soul, or will she tear my heart out?
Do I even care?
That’s an easy answer right now. I don’t give two fucks if she leaves me a bloody mess on the floor. I won’t leave it like this. I may be a bastard, but I won’t let her go without apologizing for hurting her.
I throw myself out of my bed for the first time since I got home yesterday. I take a quick shower, pull on jeans, a t-shirt, and hoodie and make my way out of my bedroom. I am tugging my boots as I hobble down the hallway, bumping into the wall, and nearly falling on my face once or twice. Once, I finally have my boots on, I grab my jacket and the keys to my cars, and I’m out the door.
I rehearse what I plan to say over and over until I’m sitting in the parking lot of her dorm. A sudden bout of nerves hits me. I don’t get nervous, but here I am wiping sweaty palms across my thighs as I wonder how I will be received. Apologies don’t come easy for me, but I need to do this. I want to do it. I just hope she’ll accept what I know is going to sound like shit.
One thought that has played over and over in my mind is something Maddox said. He claimed I broke her, shattered her. That wasn’t my intention, ever. I never wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to get angry, yes. Leave, absolutely. Stop questioning me, without a doubt. Not hurt. I could never want that.
I finally climb out of the car and begin to make my way to her dorm. I get plenty of gasps and stares like I have each time I’ve been here. It’s funny knowing that those gasps aren’t because of how I look or who I am, but because I’m a guy walking through the front doors of the all-female, no males allowed dormitory in broad daylight.
The stairs to her third-floor room seem to go on for ages. Although, that could have more to do with the nerves tightening my chest and stomach. Or the fact, I’m taking each step slower than the last.
