“But that’s not healthy. He should talk about it.” A gust of wind comes off the water causing my entire body to erupt in a chill. Maddox pulls me close to him, wrapping his arm around me. I feel like a bitch when I shiver again for other reasons.
“Talking is not for everyone, Heaven. It may not be healthy, but we deal with shit the best way we can. It’s the only way we can for now. One day, we may hit rock bottom and realize our ways aren’t working anymore, but until that day comes, this is how it is. You can’t push people to handle things the way you think they should. And if you try, you’ll be the one getting hurt.”
After a while, I’m barely keeping my eyes open as I lean into Maddox. The sound of the waves crashing violently against the shore mixes with the crackle of the dying fire to provide the perfect lullaby.
“You should go to bed,” I hear Ryder’s raspy, deep voice tell me. I open my eyes to see him glaring down at me. He still looks upset.
“He’s right, cupcake. Let’s get you inside.”
I nod as Maddox helps me to my feet. With an arm around my shoulder, Maddox walks me to the cottage with Ryder walking close behind. Once inside, I amble my way drowsily to the bedroom.
“Heaven,” Ryder calls out to me as I get to my room.
I turn to look at him over my shoulder in question. “Don’t come out again tonight,” he tells me ominously. I want to ask questions but something about his expression that is one partwarning,and one part pleading makes me keep my mouth shut.
I give him a quick nod, noticing the relief in his body at my easy acceptance.
I climb in my bed, wondering what that was about, but I don’t wonder long before sleep claims me.
Ryder
Consensual
We had an agreement. This wouldn’t happen this weekend. Not with her around. Neither of us wanted to take the chance that she would see and freak out.
But neither of us expected to find ourselves talking about the two things that affected us the most. The two things that caused the most pain, anger, and guilt. Zoey and Rayna.
Though we both had a lot more than that to trigger us, but those were the biggest ones. We needed a release, a moment to help us escape the emotions that threatened to decimate us. Once we were certain she was asleep, we began to punish each other, taking turns giving and receiving.
I’m not a masochist or a sub. In truth, it goes against my nature. But sometimes I need physical pain to quiet the voices in my head. With every slap and lash, the emotional turmoil I’m in gets focused into the physical sting that is a welcome substitute.
Maddox is the same, except he takes the pain as punishment. He uses it as penance for crimes he’s not guilty of, but for which he continues to carry the weight of anyway. He can’t find a way to forgive himself for mistakes he’s made or the mistakes of others, so he readily accepts the punishment he feels he rightly deserves.
We don’t do this with anyone else. Neither of us can surrender control to anyone else. I hold tight to my control. The control of my emotions is my biggest struggle and when I need this the most. Maddox always feels out of control, so he’s in a constant battle to gain it. Being on the receiving end of this is difficult for him even with me. If he didn’t see it as some sort of restitution for his sins, he wouldn’t be able to do it at all.
Bottom line is, we are both fucked up. We are broken beyond repair. There will be no redemption for either of us. We will continue down this abyss until there is nothing left.
I’m not dramatic. I’m not pessimistic or cynical. I’m a realist. If happiness and peace were to be found, we’d have found it by now. I doubt anyone who has been through what we have would argue.
I carry around a rage inside of me that grows increasinglyeach day. My temper is not easily contained. It’s the one thing in my life I have the least control over, and it drives me insane. But I continue to try every day. I push down the venom and hate that coursesthrough my veins.
Tonight, we both need the release of pain and we both need the control. We have punished each other to the point of exhaustion. Our skin is tinged red with the markings of our kink. Cum has been spilled all over the bedroom. And it’s still not enough. Aggression still floods my veins. Grief still torments my mind.
I can see in his ocean blue eyes that Maddox is struggling just the same. Maybe even more since he hasn’t had the assistance of Johnny Walker to ease some of the pain.
His cock stretches my ass to the point of pain as his fingers tighten around my throat until my vision begins to blur. The ropes that tie my wrist to the headboard bite into my flesh. He’s been edging me for over an hour. It’s absolute pleasure and misery at the same time. And it seems to be doing what the flogging and belt couldn’t. My mind is finally clear of the bullshit of my life. My only thought is that I need to come. My focus is on the pleasure-filled pain he is inflicting as he thrusts into me at a punishing rate.
He reaches down, grabbing my cock tightly. He squeezes hard, making me groan in agony because he won’t finish the job. “Not yet,” he hisses, stopping his movement.
“Motherfucker,” I growl that he is depriving me once again.
“You like it, asshole. So shut up and take it.”
“If my hands weren’t tied, I’d punch you in the goddamn face.” My threat is real. Probably the reason he tied me up. But at least this frustration is for a different reason.
He reaches up, grabbing my face in a punishing grip, taking my mouth with his. Our tongues fight to see who the victor is while he squeezes my cock even tighter.
His hips begin to move again. He’s not going to suffer much longer which means he’ll finally put me out of my misery. At least he better. If he doesn’t, he better make fucking sure the ropes stay put because I’ll kill him.
