Afterward, we head back to the cottage and back to the beach. They start a fire, and we sit and talk. It’s just casual, small talk about interests and our future plans.
I was a little shocked to discover they are both enrolled at NYU. My hypocrisy reared its ugly head again because I assumed two extremely rich guys with influential families like theirswould be Ivy League for sure. I’ve been acutely aware that I need to work on that flaw. I wasonly gladI didn’t say anything.
They both admitted NYU isn’t where their families wanted them to go. Ryder didn’t give his a choice. When he turned eighteen a few months ago, he inherited money from his father who died when he was little, and his grandfather gave him access to part of his trust fund. Apparently, he will gain a little more every year until he turns thirty if he proves he can manage his money.
Maddox is still being funded by his father, and the way he saidfathergave me the impression their relationship wasn’t the greatest. But apparently, they have a deal. Maddox must major in business and get his degree, and he will gain full control of his own trust when he graduates.
I’m shocked, once again, when they reveal they both work as bartenders at a place in Brooklyn. Neither of themneeds the money, but they say that working makes them feel like they’re not the spoiled, rich assholes the world thinks they are.
We continue to talk and laugh until late. Ryder and I drink a few beers while Maddox drinks water. I want to ask him about that but decide against it. It’s not the time or the place.
We throw sand at each other until it turns into a war that ends with us all collapsing on the beach. I lay between the two of them breathless and smiling. They both tangle their fingers with mine, making my heart jolt, but I manage for the first time to get it under control quickly.
“Where do you see yourself in ten years?” I ask them, hoping to stave off the sleep that’s weighing on my eyelids.
“Biggest band in the world,” Maddox jokes. “With tens of thousands of people screaming my name.”
“Don’t you get that already just being you?” I can’t help the tease, and I’ve learned he will just go with it.
“Not the same, cupcake. I want to be known for something good. Something that has absolutely nothing to do with my last name or family. But more than anything, I just want to be happy.”
“What he said,” Ryder chuckles.
I swallow back the lump in my throat. The thought that either of them are unhappy guts me. They aren’t really anything like I expected. The moment I looked them up online, I immediately placed them into a box. A horrible box that couldn’t begin to describe these two boys.
“You’re not happy now?” I ask softly.
“At this moment, I am,” Maddox answers. “But in general, no. It’s always eluded me.”
“It’s hard to be happy when the world and life shits on you, love,” this comes from Ryder. “They don’t see us. They see the money. Those that don’t have it, think it’s the key to happiness. Those that do, are never satisfied with what they have.It’s never enough. And what goes on behind closed doors is enough to turn your stomach. I suppose it’s not like that for everyone, but the shit we’ve been through has left a dark spot on our souls. It’s anger and pain and selfishness and betrayal. Kind ofhard-to-find peace and happiness in that.”
My eyes burn with the threat of tears. They’ve just summed up every stereotype and shattered it with a few words. Words that make my heart break for them.
I don’t want to dwell on the negative though. I want to continue with our happy moments, so I try to steer us in another, albeit similar, direction.
“So multi-platinum rock stars with the world worshiping at your throne. But what else? Do you picture a family or kids?”
Maddox lets out a dark chuckle, making my stomach churn. I instantly realize that this might not be the happy semi-change-of-subject I was looking for. “Not happening. Only one girl I ever wanted. Pretty sure her brother and best friend have made sure that won’t ever happen.”
With one sentence, Maddox has completely decimated me, and I’m not sure why. I guess it’s because he’s proven with six words that I’m right. I would never be anything more than another faceless hookup if I gave into these urges I keep having.
“You are the loudest thinker I’ve ever met,” he tells me as he squeezes his fingers.
“What do you mean?”
“You think I just proved your point. Maybe I did. Just because I won’t ever get a happily ever after like all the fairy tales doesn’t mean I can’t love someone. It just means they will never fill that void or have my heart. Which also means, they will deserve better. I don’t want to settle, and I would never ask anyone to either.”
“That’s really sad,Madsy,” I whisper.
“I played my part,” he shrugs. “I fucked it up all by myself. I think I probably could’ve been enough for her. I knew she also loved her best friend, but I never doubted she loved me too. I let my demons get in the way. What I did to her? Well, there is no coming back from that.”
“But if you could have her, would you want a family?
“She would be my family. That would be enough for me. The world doesn’t need more of me.”
“You don’t want kids?” I ask incredulously.
“I’d fuck them up like I do everything else,” he chuckles again. Suddenly, all I want to do is wrap him up and take all his hurt away. Because I just caught a glimpse of that shadow that I see once in a while, and it’s heartbreaking. “Stop frowning, cupcake. You’ll get wrinkles.”
