“May not need to, but I want to,” I admit. “I want to forget, Mads. Forget it all for one night.”
“Don’t imagine you’ll be forgetting that for a long time, Ry, but I can help you forget for a few hours.”
“Yeah?” I toss my drink back then stand, grabbing the table for support when the floor starts to move. “Let’sdothat. Just for a little while.”
A little whileturnsinto dawn. Soon our flight willbe leaving, taking us back to New York and away from this god forsaken place. If it weren’t for my grandfather, I’d never come back. He’s the only thing left here that I care about. The rest can burn and rot.
But first, I need to say goodbye for the last time.
We get out of the taxi and walk through the gates. With every step I take, my stomach knots tighter and my chest squeezes until there is no air left in my lungs. More emotions than one person should have at any given time swirl through my body, never settling on one until I’m nearly doubled over from the weight of it.
I stop, unable to make my feet carry me any further. Gasping for air as my lungs seize. Maddox stops beside me, a calming hand to my back.
“Come on, Ry. You said you needed to do this.”
“I don’t think I can,” I wheeze.
“You can.”
I take another minute, trying to find a modicum of composure. When I can at least breathe again, I move forward, one painfully slow step at a time until I’m finally where I need to be. I stare down at the freshly covered grave, and thebrand-new headstone that was erected in record time and fall to my knees on a roar of agony.
Rayna Caroline Jamison
August 9, 1993 – September 3, 2011
Cherished Daughter and Beloved Sister
My sister. My beautiful sister had so much life left to live. The person who has been with me the longest and loved me the hardest was gone.
It should’ve been me. She was a good girl. All she tried to do was make everyone happy. She just wanted to be loved and accepted. She should have that chance.
Whereas I have done everything I can since I was twelve to piss off my mother. I’ve taken risks that should’ve gotten me killed. Yet, I’m still here.
How is that fair?
How is it fair that I couldn’t protect her? How is it fair that the one thing in this life I know was my purpose I failed at because I couldn’t get here in time?
I pound the ground with my fists. I scream out her name. Anger boils and bubbles. Anger at myself and everyone who hurt her. Everyone who failed her.
I don’t know how long I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, cursing God and whatever deity is listening, but I scream until my throat is raw and my voice is gone. Then I push the pain down. I push down the hurt and the agony and embrace the rage and the fury. I let it fill me to the brim, before pushing it away too. I let a mask slip over my face and a wall erect aroundmy heart.This is me now. I’m damaged and cracked but I’m not broken. I won’t let anyone close enough to break me.
Heaven reaches over, drawing me from the memory. “Are you okay? She’s nothere, is she?” she whispers quietly so Matt and Tyler don’t hear.
I take her hand in mind, squeezing it to remind myself that I’m here to move forward. To finally let it all go. I breathe in then out as I let the past go. “She doesn’t live here. I’ve already checked, she’s not due for another hour or so.” I reach out, grabbing her chin, making certain she sees and hears how serious I am. “She won’t hurt you. Not again.”
“I’m not afraid of anything she’ll say to me. I’m afraid for Tyler though. And you. I don’t want her to send you back to that dark place in your head.”
“We will keep Tyler away from her. And I promise, I will be fine. Nothing she says will get to me. Not today.”
I lean over, place a firm kiss on her lips for reassurance, almost forgetting the nearly seventeen-year-old and eight-year-old in the back seat.
I pull back, albeit reluctantly. Her eyes swim with lust and desire. “Keep looking at me like that, and I’ll be dragging you to a corner somewhere, pixie.”
“Promises, promises,” she teases with a blush.
When we walk into the house,Oliver and Diana are waiting with wide smiles.
“Ryder, it is so wonderful to have you home,” Diana nearly sobs, dragging me into her arms. “Mr. Rosenthal missed you so much. He’s been asking for you.”
