One day at a time.
That’s what he’s told me they tell him in therapy and his group meeting for addiction. I know that is a hard concept for him. That means he can’t take control of tomorrow, but it’s perfect. It’s exactly how he needs to live his life.
I also was able to stop worrying about losing the house and the diner. At nearly the last second a few weeks ago, papers were delivered from the banks. Another company bought the mortgages. Entirely new payment plans, and terms were drawn up that made it much easier for me to manage, and I didn’t have to catch up on all of the late payments.
RCJ Financial services was a god send. One that I planto thankvery thoroughly after I rip him a new one for going behind my back. You’d think he’d have beenclevererabout naming a fake company if he didn’t want his girlfriend to find out what he’d done. Ryder Christopher Jamison is seared into every cell of my being. We are intertwined for eternity.
“You’re like the sun,” I told him one night before he left. He looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “I know you think you’re the darkness but you’re not. You’re the sun because you are brightness, energy, fire, and heat. Anyone around you feels you. It can’t be helped. You have no boundaries and if a person gets too close, they’ll get burned. But without you, I would wither away and die. I was dead before you came back. I wasn’t living. I was just surviving.”
“Well, if I’m the sun, pixie, then you are the gravity that keeps me from falling. Always the gravity.”
Today he comes home. And I’m so nervous.
There has been a very selfish part of me that has worried once he got the help he needed, that he wouldn’t need me anymore. I’ve always thought in a lot of ways, he was out of my league.
He has more money than he could spend in ten lifetimes. He has more talent than any one person should be allowed. He’s charismatic and enigmatic. Even if he’d been born into a destitute family without a dime to their name, the world was going to know him. The world was always going to be drawn to him.
Just like the sun.
It was always going to revolve around him.
What am I going to do when he figures out how to be his own gravity? When he no longer needs to lean on others to keep him from falling or better still, to keep him from reaching supernova? Because even if he never needs me again, I am always going to need him.
So, here we are — the band, their girls, and kids, their manager and bodyguard, and Tyler, Matt, and me —standing in his penthouse waiting for him. And for some reason, I’m being a chicken, hiding in the kitchen like a spaz. I’m just worried about who’s going to walk through that door.
“You know you’re stressing out over nothing, right?” Jake says beside me, sneaking a cream puff off the tray. “Every version of Ryder wants and needs you, Heaven.”
“I’m not stressing out,” I lie without looking up from the tray I’ve arranged fifteen times in five minutes. “I’m just trying to finish here.”
He grabs my hands and turns me to face him. “He loves you, Heaven. The only reason he finally realized he needed help was because of you. Don’t make him regret it by being weird.”
I close my eyes with a sigh. Deep down, I know I’m being absolutely ridiculous. I know that this is the best thing he could do for himself and for us. But these butterflies— or hornets — won’t stop buzzing in my belly.
The elevator to his penthouse dings, telling us he’s on his way up, and suddenly I have the urge to throw up.
On bated breath I wait. I watch those doors, completely frozen. Like whatever walks through those doors will determine the rest of my life.
When they slide open, time stands still. Even though the room is full of people, his eyes land on mine. He looks at me like I’m the only person he sees.
His eyes are clear. He stands a little straighter, like he’s full of confidence and determination instead of ready to go on the defense. And his smile is real. Genuine and happy.
But in those eyes I see the same fire burning bright. That same determination and passion that has always been a huge part of him shines through. Everything that makes him intrinsically Ryder is amplified times a thousand. Except for one thing.
That dark cloud that was always swirling around him doesn’t seem so dark. That weight he’s carried for so long doesn’t seem so heavy. He seems lighter. Like his focus has shifted.
His eyes still on me, he sets his bag on the ground and begins to stalk towards me, like a predator stalking his prey.
Until Tyler wraps himself around him, hugging him tightly. “I’ve missed you, Dad. Are you all better now?”
Ryder looks down at him, so much affection pouring through him. I swear his eyes get watery looking at his son. Looking at him like he’s never seen him before. Maybe with these eyes, the ones without the haze of the drugs, alcohol, and years’ worth of mental anguish, he hasn’t.
Ryder picks him up, hugging him so tight, Tyler’s face begins to turn red. “I’ve missed you so fucking much,” he tells him. He sets him back to the ground, looking at him with so much devotion it makes my heart hurt. He looks up at all his friends with a similar expression. “I’m not all better, no. I’ll probably never be all better, but now I know what it looks like to have a plan and a goal to work towards.”
He stands up and Dane is the first one to grab him for a hug. “So damn proud of you, Ry. So damn proud.”
Cara is the next to go to him, throwing herself around him, sniffling. “I love you, Ry. I’m happy you’re finally happy.”
They make their rounds, telling him how proud they are and how much they love him. All the while, I stand back from it all like a spectator. My heart hammers and pounds with excitement and nerves and joy as I watch these people embrace him. Love him. But more than that, as I see him truly accept it.
