“We knew he’d been using cocaine for a while,” Dane says. “Years to be exact. Didn’t know he’d changed to something else. Or I didn’t.” I don’t miss the pointed look he gives Ryder.
“I didn’t know,” Ryder admits. “Had my suspicions because of the differences I’ve been noticing the last year or so. But I didn’t have proof and he never told me.”
“The amount of heroin in his system is substantial, and as he grows more and more tolerant to itseffects, he will continue to use more and more. Mr. Mastersneeds rehab. Immediately.”
Ryder leans back into the chair with a sigh. “He’s not going to go.”
“Anything we can do to force it?” Dane asks.
“Without it being court mandated, no. And simply being an addict isn’t enough to get it ordered. Legally, our hands are tied. All you can do is encourage him. I will say this. He won’t live much longer at this rate.”
“He doesn’t want to,” Ryder nearly whispers.
Dane’s head whips to Ryder, his eyes grow narrow and furious. “He doesn’t want towhat?” he demands.
“He doesn’t want to live, Dane. He’s tired of fighting what goes on in his head.”
“Are you saying Mr. Masters is suicidal?” the doctor asks. “If that’s the case, we can do something.”
“Not suicidal,” Ryder shakes his head. “Or he hasn’t been. He’s just tired of feeling. He does the drugs to quiet the turmoil. He says it feels like he’s on a rollercoaster all the time. The drugs slow it down for him. Make it so he can think instead of feel. He feels like the only time he’s ever in control is when he’s high.”
“Has he ever been diagnosed with anything?”
“No. Nothing. He’s just always been weighed down by spoken and unspoken demands and expectations he doesn’t feel like he can live up to. He feels responsibility for things he’s not responsible for. Guilt. Lots of guilt. Like everything he does has to be perfect. He has to be perfect.”
“That’s a lot of pressure for anyone,” the doctor nods in understanding. “We’re going to keep him a bit longer, but we’ve done all we can do.”
“Can we see him?” Angel asks.
“Sure. Like I said, we’ve done all we can. We can’t force him to seek help. All we can do is treat him.”
“Why haven’t you said anything?” Dane asks once the doctor is out of the room. “We could’ve—”
“You could’ve what, Dane? What do you think you could’ve done by knowing? Why do you think I’ve always stayed so close? So, I could watch him. Make sure he didn’t do too much. Sure, I did it too, but I wanted to make sure he was okay.”
“He said the same thing about you once,” Jake tells me. “About the girls and the sex. Said it was to make sure you didn’t go too far.”
Ryder nods, understanding what he’s saying. At the same time, I stiffen. He grabs my hand when I instinctively pull away. I know all about Ryder and his—kinks. I was actually one of them. It’s just not always easy to disguise the jealousy of hearing about him with someone else. Just yesterday I teased him about the ability to give up the sex with others.
Ryder isn’t the type to stay celibate long, and nine years is a very long time for anyone. I haven't even beenabstinent. But jealousy isn’t the most rational feeling. He looks at me, not apologetically, but with understanding. He gets that it’s hard under any circumstances to be reminded that the person you love hasn’t only been with you.
“He did,” Ryder responds to Angel. “To make sure I was present and didn’t push whoever it was beyond what they were comfortable with. Because of who I am, they would just go along with whatever I wanted to do. I would get so deep into it, I’d miss the signs. I do the same for him. I pull him back when he’s doing too much.”
“You fucking enable each other,” Dane grunts. “You have got to stop. You’re both so beaten and broken that you understand each other but you don’t help each other. You can’t help each other until you help yourselves.”
Ryder stiffens, his body tight and tense and ready to go on the defense. I slide my other hand over our joined hands, squeezing a little as I do. He looks back at me with furrowed brows but I feel him relax a bit. Dane looks at our hands and back to Ryder. “Remember what we talked about earlier.”
Ryder nods slightly with a sigh. “I’m going to go check on him.” I start to pull my hands away so he can go. He squeezes it tight, pulling me to his side. He looks down at me with pleading eyes. “Need you with me.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to go alone?” I want to be there for RyderandMaddox, but they are so close. I don’t want to intrude.
“I’m not going without you. I can’t.”
I give him a tiny smile and nod.
When we walk into the room, Maddox is lying back on a hospital bed with his eyes closed. He looks pale and tired. I move into the room, but Ryder hesitates at the door. I look over my shoulder to see him fighting some sort of internal battle.
“Are you going to come in here or stand there being all broody?” Maddox jokes, eyes still closed.
