“It’s okay,” she whispers. “I know you weren’t here. I know you didn’t mean to lose control.”
“Not someone who should be around a kid, huh?” I croak, choking on the knot in my throat.
She leans back, looking into my eyes. “You were protecting your son. You went too far, but I can’t be angry that you want to keep him safe.”
“He — uh —he didn’t see any of that did he?”
She shakes her head slightly. “He’s not here. Delilah came over this morning for breakfast, so she and Tyler went to the diner to grab some donuts.”
I brush loose strands of hair from her face, tucking it behind her ears. “I’m sorry I scared you. I’ve tried so hard to control it. To keep it contained. But it’s been unraveling for a while. Last thing I wanted was for you to see it. For it to hurt you. Not even when I wanted to hurt you.”
“I wasn’t scaredofyou, Ryder. I was scaredforyou. I was scared that if you didn’t stop, what it would do to you. To this.” She places her hand on my chest, and for the first time in what feels like forever, I feel it racing, hammering at an erratic beat.
“Still sure about me taking him?” I want him. I want to know him with every fiber of my being, but when I’m spinning out of control like this, do I have that right?
“You gave me papers that say I don’t have a choice,” she teases, giving me a playful shove. She’s desperately trying to lighten the mood. Get my head out of the dark place that doesn’t want to leave.
“So, I did,” I try to grin, but it feels wobbly.
“I know you won’t hurt him,” she tells me softly, eyes firmly on mine with a gentleness I’ve only ever experienced from her.
“It would kill me if I did. I don’t want him to grow up with this— darkness like I have.”
“He’s happy. The only thing that will make him happier is to know you. It’s all he’s ever wanted, and I took that from himandyou. From all of us. Take him with you. Get to know your son. Let him get to know the guys. They’ll be as important to him as they are to you. And me.”
“You can come too. I know you miss everyone.”
She shakes her head. Disappointment shootsthrough me like a knife. I know I should want this time with him. Time to make up for what was lost. But I want it with her too. “Let it be about you and Tyler. We can figureusout later.”
I nod, hiding my disappointment.
“We have donuts,” a little voice calls out, bursting into the door.
My eyes dart to where Nova was just sitting on the floor. She’s on her feet with dry eyes, looking less afraid, and—ashamed. Our eyes connect for a split second, and I could swear I actually see remorse. Then she quietly excuses herself to her room.
I turn my attention back to Tyler who’s staring at me with the biggest, cutest grin I’ve ever seen. Pride puffs my chest that it’s for me. “You’re here!” he shouts excitedly.
“I’m here,” I stretch my arms wide allowing a grin I don’t quite feel yet take over my face. Seems there’s some benefits to constantly wearing a mask.
“Tyler, getyour things. Ryder has been waiting on you,” Heaven encourages with a shooing motion.
An excited squeal escapes him as he runs up the stairs, nearly tripping at the top. “No running,” Heaven scolds but she’s looking at me with a smile. “Take him. Get to know him. Let him see you.”
“He doesn’t need toseeme. It’s not something a kid should see.”
She reaches up, cupping my face. “He will see what I see. What I have always seen. What I hope you see one day.”
“What is it you think you see, pixie?”
“That beyond the pain and grief and anger, you are the most loving, passionate, and devoted man I have ever met. You're beautifully broken, Ryder. A beautiful tragedy.”
“Thought I was the song writer here, pixie?” I tease —and deflect because what she sees in me has always been through some sort of rose-colored glasses. I will never understand it.
“I’m ready!” Tyler calls out. He stands at the top of the stairs with a backpack and a duffel bag that looks like it’s about to burst.
“Tyler, I already packed everything you needed. What else did you add?” She sounds exasperated and amused all at once.
“Just what I need, Mom,” he tells her with an eye roll. affect
