“I hurt you too,” she whispers, dropping her eyes to her folded hands. “I hate that I ran away like I did.”
“I get it now,” I tell her because it’s the truth. “I couldn’t see before but I do now. We both reacted based on what we thought was true. I’ve missed you so much for so long, that when I saw you again, I felt the need to protect myself from getting hurt again. I’ve survived losing you, but that’s all I’ve done, pixie. The guys and me, we got all we ever wanted with our music without anyone’s help. But it’s been meaningless. It hasn’t made me happier. It hasn’t brought me any real satisfaction. There has only been one time in twenty-eight years that I’ve ever felt peace. I miss that feeling. I’ve been chasing that feeling. Earlier today, I felt it again. That’s why I acted like an ass afterwards.”
“Ryder, are you telling me all of this now because I told you I’m sick? Because I don’t want your pity. I don’t need it.”
“You know me, Heaven. I haven’t changed that much. I’m not going to tell you all of this because I feel sorry for you. I don’t feel sorry for anyone. Except maybe myself once in a while. But you telling me was the kick in the ass I needed to make me realize a few things.”
“Where does that leave us?”
“Where do you want it to leave us, pixie?” I know what I want. I’m just not sure if I should want it. If I should have that right. Or if it will even work this time around. I need her, but I also know I won’t survive losing her again.
“I’ve missed you, Ryder,” she sniffs. “I’ve missed you so much. Every single day. And I still love you. My heart will always belong to you.”
“But?” I encourage her to continue, wondering if she has the same reservation I do.
“But we have a son to consider. And a lot of hurt and pain that has been there for nearly a decade.”
“You still hate me, pixie?”
Before she gets a chance to answer, the doctor finally comes in with a nurse and a cart. “Mr. Jamison, you areincredibly lucky. That piece of glass missed your kidney and all major arteries.”
“Meaning?” I snap, hating when they talk shop instead of getting to the point. Also hating that they interrupted Heaven’s answer to my question.
“Meaning, we’re going to remove it and sew you up.”
“Great. Then I can go?”
“Yes, then you can go. You’ll need to take it easy for a few days. No heavy lifting or strenuous activity, but other than that, you’ll be cleared for release. Also, your hands will be fine in a couple of days. You do have a couple of jammed fingers, but otherwise you’ll be fine.”
“All right. Let’s get this shit done.”
I watch Heaven shake her head with a grin. “What?” I smile back. It feels strange to have a real smile on my face.
“You really need to work on your manners.”
“I am who I am, pixie. You know that.”
“Yep. Unapologetically, Ryder.” Her grin stretches wider, reaching all the way to her eyes.
And I want to make sure that smile never leaves.
Heaven
I Don’t Want to Live Without You
“You gonna answer my question, pixie?” he asks after the doctors leave the room.
“What question is that?” I tease, even though I know the answer.
“You still hate me?” I want to continue the tease, but his eyes hold something – worry maybe – that stops me in my tracks.
“I never hated you, Ryder. I wanted to. Hated myself a little because I didn’t. But I can’t hate you. Not when my soul breathes for you. I just don’t understand what all of this means.”
He stands from the bed, dropping the hospital gown they had him in. I take him in shamelessly. “See something you like?” he teases.
“How is it possible that you look better now than you did then?” I take him in from head to toe. His hair is no longer the shaggy mess it was back then. Now it's shaved short on the sides and longer on top. That barely there facial hair has a prominent shadow covering his jaw. He’s added quite a few piercings, including the magic cross piercingstandingstraight up that I appreciated earlier today. His tattoos have grown a bit too, now covering one entire arm, half of another, his chest and, to my shock, he has me on his back. I don’t know how I missed that earlier. He was always beautifully cut, but now it’s like he’s been carved from the finest marble. Andeverythingis thicker.
He pulls on his pants then his shirt, robbing me of the perfect view, grinning like the Cheshire cat the entire time. Once he’s fully clothed, he pulls me to him. “Pixie,youlook better now than then. And that’s a bloody accomplishment considering you were always perfect. I really like this, by the way.” He wraps my hair around his fist with a grin, and I know he means how long it is and not the color. “But I can’t tell you what any of this means. Wanting each other isn’t the problem. It’s never been the problem and never will be. Like you said, we have other things to think about now. Like Tyler and your brother. My work. Yours. You still painting?”
