It makes me wish I’d taken the time to get to know him better, but I was just a kid when he returned from California.My relationship with Maddox and Ryder had long been established at that point. They are my brothers and best friends. When Dane wasan overbearing jerk, Maddox and Ryder were who I went to until Tori came long. And even then, I still went to them for some things,often afraid she’d tell Dane.
While I knew of Jake, knew he was Dane’s best friend, even if they were several years apart, when he returned, he was just my brother’s friend. And I was his friend’s little sister.I only exchanged small talk with him here or there,and he never seemed too interested in me either. There were a few times, I remember, that forced proximity required more than a passing pleasantry. It was those moments that he seemed like it physically pained him to be near me.
I never took it personally. I was just a teenage girl. His best friend’s baby sister. He was freshout of college and very much grown. He probably didn’t think we had anything to talk about.
Though I will admit he was – is nice to look at. My sixteen-year-old self drooled when I saw him the first time.The first thing I noticed washis eyes. Not blue, not green, but so damn sexy. The second thing I noticed was his mouth. Those lips looked like theyknew how to kiss a girl – everywhere. He was always dressed in low-slung jeans and vintage band tees that molded to his broad shoulders, showing off a well-defined physique, and his brown hair was often shaggy and curling around his ears.He always looked in need of a haircut, and it just made him hotter.
My girlfriends and I would spend hours giggling about him.Of course, they often included Dane, Maddox, and Ryder in the same context,and that was horrifying.As an adult, I can objectively say they are all beautiful men, but if I think about my brother and Maddox and Ryder like that too long, my stomach turns.
Considering my relationship with Jake, or lack thereof, it was surprising to see him in my apartment with Danethose months ago.Even more surprising was the way he comforted me while I sobbed in his arms.
“I can’t do it anymore,” I sob into his chest, clinging like he’s my lifeline. “They won’t stop. The nightmares won’t stop. Every single night, it replays over and over and over on a loop.”
“Shh,” he soothes. “Do you want to tell me about the nightmares?” I nod rapidly because all I’ve wanted to do is talk about it.To tell someone who isn’t close to the situation. Someone who doesn’t trigger the overwhelming guilt on top of everything else. “Then tell me, sweetheart.”
“I – I can’t.” My words come out hysterically. “I can’t tell anyone.”
His arms tighten around me, hisbody suddenly tense. “You can tell me anything, sweetheart. Absolutely anything.”
“Not this, I can’t.” My chest tightens as the weight I’ve been carrying presses down.
I feel him inhale sharply as he continuesto stroke my hair.He presses his lips to the crown of my headand just lingers there. He doesn’t say anything for a while, allowing me to release my tears.
“Why are you here, Cara?” he asks when my sobs turn to soft hiccups, never stopping the gentle caress of my hair. “You don’t belong here.”
“I didn’t want to be a burden on Dane anymore,” I admit. “I’vedisrupted his life long enough. I’ve been a brat. I know that now.”
Another sharp breath comes from him. I can hear his heart pounding like a drum inside his chest. I’m not sureif I’m making him uncomfortable or angry, but I just don’t have it in me to move at the moment.
Dane walks back into the apartment after taking a call in the hallway.He is looking between us, his brows furrowing in his typical big brother fashion. I move away from Jake, not wanting Dane to be upset with him. I look at my brother as I consider Jake’s question.
Why am I here?
Initially, it was to be closer to my sister, but she is the reason behind so much of my guilt.
It was also so Dane wouldn’t worry about me. So he wouldn’t put his life – his dreams on hold for me again.I knew he would do exactly that if I went home with him.
But being here has hurt far more than it has helped.I’m a shell of myself. The anxiety that I feel everyday has become unbearable. Ibarely leave my apartment because the fear and worry and guilt just presses down so hard that I can’t breathe.
“I want to go home, Dane,” I cry. “I want to come home with you.”
I must’ve fallen asleep at some point because I’m awakened by the cutest little face surrounded by a mess of blond curls falling out of her ponytails while her tiny body sitson my chest. She bends over, pressing her forehead against mine.“Tawa, yous wakes up?”
I laugh at her little expression. So serious, with her brows furrowedinto a V between her eyes. “Cara,” I tell her.
“Dats what I says. Tawa.” Her brows go impossibly lower as her nose scrunches and her eyes narrow.
“K,” I sound it out, “ar –a. Say ‘k’.”
She studies me for a second.She tries but fails to say it correctly. “I tant does it,” she pouts, folding her arms across her chest.
I laugh again. “Okay. How about you growl like this,” I growl at her with the back of my throat only. I know she can make the sound. She has plenty of words in her abnormally large vocabulary with c’s and k’s. I just need to coax it out of her.
She does the growl with a giggle. “I does it.”
“Good girl,” I praise. “Can you do it again?”
Her tiny head bobs as she does it again, giggling louder. It’s a beautiful sound and one she does often.
