OhLord, Liam doesn’t know. I shake my head a bit. “That’s not telling me much,” I counter, raising both eyebrows, hoping he gets my meaning without me spelling it out.
His eyes widen before he shakes his head with another chuckle. “Why am I even surprised at this point?Okay, I’m going with the assumption they are too quiet to be doing each other, as well, but they may have their party favors out.”
I nod, turning on my heels to the rear of the bus. I knock on the door, just in case, then open it a crack to peek inside. “Hey guys,” I call outas I push it open a bit more to find them sitting across from each other on the floor. They each have a guitar in hand, but Maddox seems to be strugglinga bit. I suppose that’s to be expected since his cast only came off a week or so before we left New York.
They both look up to me with a smile that seems to fall quickly.“What’s going on, brat? You look like you’re on the verge of a panic attack,” Ryder comments.
A tear slides down my face that I wipe away angrily. “That’s because I am.”
Maddox sets his guitar to the side and opens his arms. It only takes me a second to fall into them. Ryder goes to the door to make sure it’s closed, then sits on the opposite side of me, rubbing my back while Maddox rubs my hair.
“Talk to us, brat,” Maddox says softly. “Tell us what’s going on in that head of yours.”
I blow out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.I fill them in on the last few weeks.“Logically, I know I don’t really like him. It’s just the whole closequarters thing.”
“I don’t think that’s it, baby girl,” Maddox tells me. “If it were, you wouldn’t have been feeling it from the first day."
I look at him with panic. “I don’t want it, Maddox. I can’t.”
“Slow down, love,” Ryder tells me.
“I can’t,” I wheeze out, my tight chest refusing to let air pass.
“Why?” Maddox asks, resting his cheek against my head.
“Because I can’t trust my judgment to know the good guys from the bad guys. I can’t trust a guy not to hurt my family or me.” My voice breaks on the last word.
“Cara, what happened was not your fault. You know that, right?” Maddox tells me firmly.
“I know what happened wasn’t my fault, but it was also my inability to see through the lies – through the charadethat led up to everything,” I sob. This is where therapy hasn’t helped at all. No one will ever convince me my poor judgment isn’t, at least partially, to blame for everything.
My therapist keeps telling me that I’ve got to accept the past for what it is and learn to forgive myself.He doesn’t think I have anything to feel guilty about either, but he said it’s not about that. It’s about my ability to forgive myself and let go.
I can’t get him to understand that it doesn’t have anything to do with forgiveness of myself or anyone else. It’s about the fact that I can’t trust myself anymore. If I can’t trust myself, then how am I supposed to trust someone else?
“So the issueis that you don’t trust your own judgment. Do you trust ours?” Ryder asks me. I give a weak nod. He looks over me to Maddox with a lift of his chin.
Without more warning thanthat, Maddox pulls me into his lap. Ryder scoots to my vacated spotand pulls my legs into lap. “Then how about youtrust us when we tell you that you can trust Jake too. Maybe more than anyone else.”
I toss him a disparaging glare. “I know that. I know thatJake is a good guy. Of course, he is. But that doesn’t mean that he wouldn’tshatter what’s left of my heart and, trust me, there isn’t much left.You can’t guarantee he wouldn’t break it either.” My voice rises with each word until my throat nearly closes.
“Okay. Okay,” Maddox appeases.“You don’t have to deal with it right now.”
“Ever, Madsy,” I curl into his chest. “Ever.”
“So, Jake gives the brat the tingles, huh?” Ryder teases.
“Shut up,asshole,” I laugh softly. “I think you two are hot, but I don’t want to jump your bones.”
I feel Maddox flinch beneath me. I look up to catch his grimace. “Never thought I’d say this, but please never call me hot again, okay?”
A grin spreads across my face. I look to Ryder,who’s wearing a similar expression. “I agree with him,brat. Don’t say that again. Ever.Coming from you, it’s just wrong.”
“Should I say sexy instead?” I taunt, mischievously. “Or maybe fine as hell. Oohhh, I know. Fuckable.”
Maddox’s hand claps over my mouth. “That’s it,” he growls, moving so quickly I don’t have time to register the movement until he has me on my back.
“No!” I scream, knowing what’s coming.
