I run my hand over her arm, kissing her shoulder. “Talk to me, baby.”
She snuggles in closer to me, making the tightness in my chest release a fraction.When she doesn’t say anything, I decide to tell her what I was feeling. “I was scared, Cara. I don’t think I’ve ever felt fear like that in my life.”
“Of course, you were,” she whispers. “Your little girl was missing.”
“That was part of it, but I was scared for you too. I was terrified I’d never see you again. I was scaredI’d lost you forever.”
I hear her sniffle and feel her shoulders shake. She’s crying, but instead ofsoothing her, I let her cry. She needs it. “How could you be worried about me when I’m the reason your daughter was taken?”
“I already told you, none of it was your fault. I tried blaming myself too. I tried to convince myself if I’d stopped you from going that none of this would’ve happened, but you know what?” When she shakes her head, I continue. “I realized that this would’ve happened one way or the other. It would’ve happened because Peytonand Novak were determined. Because they knew more about us than we knew about them. None of this was your fault.It wasn’t my fault.”
“I was scared,” she whispers. “I was scared for Lyra. I did everything I could to keep her safe.Ididn’t care what they did to me as long as she was okay. Every second I tried to figure out a way to get her back to you. I know she needs you, and you need her.
“She was so sad.She wouldn’t eat. All she did was stay curled in my arms.She wanted you so badly, and I just wanted to give you back to her.It was what I needed to be strong.”
“You did good, baby. She’s just as perfect today as she was three days ago.”
“When Peyton came to get us out, I knew there was no way we were both getting away.I was the one that Niko really wanted, so I shoved Lyra into her arms. All I cared about wasgetting her home to you.Once she was gone, I could feel the walls closing in.”
I swallow hard. Questions form. One in particular. I don’t want to ask. Knowing won’t change anything, but, at the same time, I need to know. “Did he– did they,” I struggle to get the words out. When I feel her tense against me, Ifear her answer. “Did they rape you, baby?”
She’s quiet for almost too long,and I feel like my head might explode. When she finally answers, I breathe again. “No. You got there before he could.”
“I’m still scared,you know,” I confess to her. I’m not going to keep what I feel inside. I can’t expect her to tell me what she feels if I don’t do the same.“I woke up,and you and Lyra weren’t in bed, and I panicked. WhenI realized you’d left Maddox’s room, I panicked. I’m still panicking here, Cara.I don’t want you out of my sight. I can feel youpulling away. I know you’re trying to shut everything out, including me. I’m afraid if I close my eyes when I open them again, you’ll be gone.I won’t survive losing you. I know you think I will,but I won’t. I can’t survive losing you.”
She stays quiet, except for asmall sigh that escapes her lips. I knowatthat moment, I’m right. She’s quietly planning to disappear. “You would survive,” she whispers. “You have to for Lyra.”
“Iwould be going through the motions, baby. I would do what I needed to do for her, but I wouldn’t be happy. I wouldn’t even be content. I’d be a shell of a man without you. You’re my fucking reason for existing.”
“Don’t say that,” she whimpers. “I can’t be that reason. It has to be Lyra.”
“It’s not the same, Cara. I love Lyra with everything in me. She will always be my priority. But the love a father feels for his child isn’t the same as a man feels forhis woman.Don’t leave me, baby.Please. I’m not above begging. You know I’m not.”
“What if I can’t stay?” she sobs quietly, trying her best to keep everything contained. Trying not to wake Lyra.
“Do you love me?”I ask. “Do you love Lyra?”
“More than anything,” she confesses. “More than I ever thought I could love someone. Itis why Iwant you both to have better. I was broken before. It’s just going to be worse now.”
I raise up on my elbows, turning her to face me. Lyra stretches next to her, but she doesn’t wake. “Why? Why do you think it’s going to be worse?”
“Because my head is a fucked up place to be, Jake.It’s going to happen. I’m going to break.”
“So you want to leave us because youmightbreak from everything?I don’t understand. If what happened isn’t already affecting you, then why are you so upset?’
“Because I know the only way to protect both of you is to leave.When it finally happens, you don’t deserve to pick up the pieces.”
It all clicks. That distant look. The way she seems like she’s there,but she’s not. All a far cry from the girl I found last night, fighting against her attacker. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. Shehasn’t been affected more by this attack. If anything, last night,she seemed stronger. She’s just afraid that it hasn’t come yet.
I climb out of bed, pulling her with me. She’s reluctant, but she allows it. I walk us into the bathroom, facing us both to the mirror. “Look at yourself,” I tell her. “What do you see?”
“I see me,” she answers.
“Do you lookfragile? More so than normal? Do you look weak?” She shakes her head. “Did you feel weak and fragile when you were being kept there?”
She bites her lip as she stares into my eyes. “Istarted to panic a few times but pulled myself together for Lyra. I knew I needed to be strong for her.”
“Lyra wasn’t there when I walked into that room and saw you fighting against a man twice your size.
