I make my way through the corridor of the hospital as I type out to Maddox that there is no change with Zoey. No fucking change. Not a finger twitch. Nothing.
This shit shouldn’t have happened. I should never have left her here a year ago. I should have gotten Rory to find her. I don’t know if that idea even occurred to Jax, but I thought about it a lot. I just wanted to give her the time to come home. I really thought that one day she would pick up the phone and tell me to come get her.
The phone call I got, I never expected. It came from Maddox. And if I never get another call like that again, it will be too soon.
She has always been the sweet, bright sunshine of the two of us. She had a genuine smile for everyone. I can’t think of a single person who has ever met her and didn’t like her. Seeing her lying in that bed like she has been for the last three days has been pure hell. She doesn’t even fucking look like Zoey. Her hair chopped off and bleached. She probably weighs ninety pounds soaking wet. She’s sallow looking and sick. The damn wrapping on her forearm is another reminder at how broken my sister is. I have no idea what it looks like under the wrapping and I am afraid to see. Afraid to see the evidence of her desperation.
I’m almost to her room when my phone begins to ring. It’s Jax. Since I’ll be walking into the room in five seconds, I let it ring.
On the third ring, I walk into the room. I look up the same time it stops. “What’s u-,” I start but then my eyes land on the most beautiful sight I think I’ve ever seen. “You’re awake. You’re really awake?”
Her eyes are red and watery as she nods. “I’m awake, Zee.”
I walk slowly toward her. I feel like this is a dream, and if I move too fast it will all end. When I’m beside her bed, I collapse into the chair and drop my head down to the bed. It takes every ounce of self-control I have not to sob. She runs her fingers through my hair softly. “I’m so sorry, Zee.”
I tense up at her words. She’s sorry. Anger begins to bubble to the surface. So much anger. Anger at her and anger at myself. I am fucking pissed that she took off like she did. I am pissed that I haven’t seen her or heard from her in a year. I am furious that she left me, and I am beyond angry that she tried to end her own life. That she made the unilateral decision to completely destroy me and take away the only family I have left. I raise my head slowly.
My face is tight with the fury. I feel the heat of my anger traveling up my face. A year’s worth of worry, fear, and anger. I clench my hands tightly at my sides.
“Zane, don’t,” Jax warns, the threat clear in his voice.
I ignore him. He wants to pretend the last year didn’t fucking happen, let him. He has been hurting just as much as me. Fuck, he’s been hurting more, but, while his love helps him see past the anger, mine fuels it even more.
“What are you sorry for, Zoey? Are you sorry that you ran away from us last year? Are you sorry that the doctors and nurses had to tell us what happen to you, and then you ran away?”
Tears fall down her face, and that fucking pisses me off more. As does Jax’s warning to back off. My anger is for him too because I’ve seen the hell he’s been through. All the ways he’s tried to drown the pain. I didn’t just lose my sister last year; I lost my best friend. Both of them in one moment of time. I cast him a hard glare and continue my rant. “Are you sorry that when Jax got to your hotel room, you’d already been there and cleared everything out? Are you sorry you intentionally left your phone so that we couldn’t call you? Are you sorry that on top of everything else, he had to grieve for you too? Are you sorry for every time you would call then hang up? Are sorry we’ve spent the last fucking year not knowing if you were okay and, then out of the blue, Maddox calls us? Again.”
Jax grabs me by the shirt hauling me out of the chair to push me away. “Now is not the fucking time for this shit,” he growls angrily. “Can’t you see she’s hurting enough?”
I jerk away from him. I’m not backing down from this. I can’t. I am too fucking angry. He needs to stay the fuck out of it and out of my way. “Now is the perfect time. She was fucking selfish. She left us to deal with the grief of not knowing if she was okay. We had to live with the knowledge that she was raped and had a miscarriage, but we had no idea where she was. I had to fucking bury our parents without her. I -,” my eyes widen at the horror on her face, and my anger dissipates quickly as it came. The slip up with my fucking big mouth has just opened up a whole other can of worms. “Shit.”
Jax is by her side in an instant while I stand there frozen. She begins to sob uncontrollably as she stammers. Jax looks at me pure hatred. A look that he has never directed my way, and I see why it scares the fuck out of most people. Rory has absolutely nothing on him at this moment.
But I’m not scared of him. I’m not scared of anyone because there is something inherently broken in my head that doesn’t allow me to feel fear very often, and when it does arise, it’s not because of a person but a circumstance or situation.
But I do feel regret and guilt. Right now, all of my anger has transformed into those two emotions. I accept the angry glare I get from Jax and his demand for me to explain. Which I do.
“When?” she asks after I quickly tell her what happen. I look to Jax silently begging him to take over. I’ve just driven a knife into her heart in the first ten minutes of seeing her conscious after a year apart. I really didn’t mean to hurt her, but the anger I’ve been holding in for so long just came pouring through.
Unfortunately, the only person Jax is concerned with right now is Zoey, and he’s not letting me off the hook. So, I continue the story. She gasps as pain crosses her features. The beeping of the machine speeds up. Her heart is beating a million miles a minute, and the blood pressure monitor is sounding off some kind of alarm.
I recognize the signs. She’s having a fucking panic attack. Except, unlike all the other times it’s happened, this time she can’t run away.
A nurse comes in and I slink away with Jax on my heels.
“What the fuck was that?” he yells.
Guilt fills me because I know he’s right. I should have contained the anger better. I just couldn’t. I’ve been containing that shit for a year. He got some of his out on Maddox’s face. I let him berate me for several minutes until I’ve heard enough.
“I said I was fucking sorry, Jay. I can’t take it back now, so what the hell do you want me to do?” I hiss. Except I know what he wants. He wants to rewind time just like I do but we can’t.
I walk out of the room. I should probably let Jax head back to the hotel for a shower and some sleep, but I know he’s not leaving right now. So, I head out.
I send text to Maddox asking where he’s at. He sends me an address then I order an Uber.
Thirty minutes later, I’m sitting outside a bar called Lucky’s. I walk in and spot Maddox behind the bar. I take a seat in front of him. “You here to kick my ass?”
“I just needed to find someplace that had a familiar face,” I answer him honestly. “Although, kicking your ass sounds pretty fucking good too.”
