“You have a walk-in closet, right? I guess I’ll sleep on the floor like a puppy, if you’ll let me.” “Thisis ridiculous, and both of you need to leave. I’m not a charity. I’m not a women’s shelter. I’m not a backup plan or plan B. I’m not a revolving door. I’m not a doormat. I’m not a dumpster. And I’m not falling for this again.”
“Why do I need to leave?”
“Because I’m not falling prey to Amelia’s mind games again. It’s always a slippery slope with her. First, she’s on the couch, and then she’s telling everyone how much she loves me, and I fall for her games and traps again. I have no interest in spending time with anyone who entertains her.”
“Fine,” he says, but I can see and feel the pain and what almost looks like heartbreak in Stephan’s eyes as he turns to leave.
Stephan and Amelia both leave, hopefully separately. I regret kicking him out almost immediately and feel a pain in my chest, but I have a zero-tolerance policy where Amelia is concerned. She left me to get back together with her abusive ex-husband, claiming that despite him destroying her life, no one else would love him, so she had to. While I feel a deep sympathy for her, she is not my responsibility.
I haven’t heard from her since kicking her off my front porch this afternoon, but I don’t have the time or the mental energy to deal with her or anyone who sides with her. As I told Stephan, I’m not a charity.
Part Two
Ipace across the room. Back and forth, I can’t move past what had just happened. I pick back up the books Stephan had bought, and flipping through the poetry book, I go back to wondering why he read me that poem in particular. Quietly laughing despite the pain, I ponder if he knew what he has been doing to me. “Does he know how I feel?” I think to myself.
I try to forget about it. Fuming, I call Bryan, the accountant I had gone out with the other night.
Over the next few weeks, I go on three more dates with Bryan, perhaps out of spite, but I just can’t get my mind off Stephan. I had not bothered to unfollow him or unfriend him, but I did mute him and prevent him from viewing my stories. This means I have no idea what has happened or where he has been since then—I just hope deep inside of myself that Amelia didn’t convince him to date her after she realized I wasn’t an option. I can’t let this take up too much mental energy, though, so I start readingThe Ever-Dark, and maybe relating a little toomuch to the protagonist, Violet. I begin really wishing I could meet one of the side characters, a pedicab driver named Kazuki, for even just a moment. He seems to always be more in tune with reality than I ever have been and probably ever will be, and it often feels like he can read minds, especially that of the main character. If only he could tell me how Stephan feels, I think to myself. I continue reading, and as the room begins to be filled with darkness, I get to a scene where the love interest makes a mistake, and I have to set the book aside for the night. “I hope that will never happen to me,” I whisper softly to myself.
The next day, I go for a swim in the ocean, and walking along the beach afterwards, I end up at the restaurant where Stephan and I had gotten lunch that one day. Shrimp and grits, he had had. I continue trying to convince myself I am over him, but I end up gazing up at a mural of two geese while sipping a virgin pina colada. I feel terrible grief, and I miss him very badly.
This prompts me to call Katarina. I try to separate business and my personal life for the most part, but as she is a newlywed, I thought she might have insight that I don’t. The next day, after I get out of church, we meet up at a local breakfast spot for biscuits and gravy, mine dairy-free and with all the fixings. I give her an overview of everything that has ever happened with Stephan. “He clearly likes you, Phoebe. You shouldn’t chase a man likethat away. Why don’t you just call him?” But I didn’t believe what she was telling me.
Four more months pass, and after making bad decisions like going out with Bryan, I learn that I need to fly to Michigan for work. My client in Blissfield, Michigan needs a construction and zoning inspection done where a drunk driver crashed into their house. The homeowners are suing the town for zoning negligence. All expenses of the trip are covered. One of the partners, Owen, and I are all going, but I was told this is going to be a major test of my skill set.
My late grandparents had lived in Michigan, and I often spent summers with them, so I am intimately familiar with Blissfield and had planned to pick up a donut or two while in town. I love late summer bleeding into early fall in Southeastern Michigan and thought this would be a good experience to distract myself from Stephan.
I bought a tablet with a stylus and started marking a tally every time I thought of him. A kind person in my past had taught me this tactic to stop doing or thinking of something you’d like to move past, and unfortunately, a very long scroll in my notetaking software was full of tally marks. It functioned a lot like a swear jar, in a way.
Before heading into Blissfield for the business trip, I drive into the cemetery where my grandparents are buried, wanting to talk to them a bit and pray for a few minutes. I get down on my knees and kiss their headstones, as I always do. “Grandma, Grandpa. I am not sure what to do. Do you remember Stephan, my old best friend? I’m obsessed withhim. I love him. I just keep telling myself that I don’t, and he’s just a friend. I don’t know if he feels the same or if I’m overthinking everything and reading way too far into every interaction we have. I kicked him out because he sided with my ex-girlfriend, and I still feel so much regret over it. I wish I could tell him the truth, but I don’t know if I’ll ever have another opportunity.” Sobbing, I put my head in my hands until a cool breeze brushed over my shoulders, and I felt that my grandparents were there with me.
“I wish you could have been there when I got my JD. I’m terrified to take the Bar Exam. I don’t want to risk my pride by failing and needing to retake it like my driver’s test. The Lord knows I still can’t parallel park, and I don’t want law to become like that for me, too,” I sob.
For a moment, I swear I hear my grandma laughing, and then another breeze blows over my shoulders. At this point, I was able to stand up and take a few deep breaths before touching their headstones and saying goodbye.
Although I had tear-stained glasses, I felt like I was in a better place. I ran into the small chain grocery store in nearby Adrian to grab some cold brew and a box of peppermint tea. After thinking of him and completing yet another set of five tallies, there he was in the flesh. It’s him, the dreaded almost-one, friend-not-friend, will-they-won’t-they. Stephan stood ten feet ahead of me, grabbing a bag of plain salted potato chips off the shelf.
“What are youdoinghere? You live in Texas. Why are you in Southeastern Michigan of all places?”
“Oh, well, I heard about this sprawling oak treeoff the road in a field that people like to park under sometimes. I had wanted to paint it, and it convinced me to fly out. I also heard about this collection of pine trees nearby, and I was planning to sketch those with some oil pastels tomorrow. But that isn’t important, why are you here?” Glancing at my tablet, still in hand, he continues, “and what’s with all those tally marks? Were you locked up somewhere?” he asks, and he knowingly raises one of his eyebrows.
“For work…I’m investigating a house that is across the street from a dead end. Some guy blew through the stop sign, crashing into their dining room. They’re suing the town for zoning reasons, claiming they shouldn’t have been sold a house across the street from a stop sign. I need to be on site for the construction inspection and be on hand for any questions as needed,” I say.
He shakes his head, as if he doesn’t believe my excuse. I wasn’t being dishonest per se, but that definitely wasn’t the reason for the tallies, and he appears to know this.
He asks me if I want to grab food with him, and (not using my best judgment), I agree and suggest a local burger place.
When we arrive, he tells me that he has missed me and apologizes for upsetting me, while I pour an uncommonly large amount of mustard onto my pretzel bun. He admits he still doesn’t quite understand the issue with Amelia.
Of course, he must miss me as a friend and not in an obsessive way.
“She destroyed my life, Stephan. We’re talking abouta woman who lied to my face and left me for her ex-husband that I thought she had stopped speaking to… all while I had loved her and was thinking about proposing. I was young and didn’t know I deserved better, yet. I have no interest in having her in my life, and I don’t want to entertain anyone who seems to side with her,” I say with despair lacing my tone.
What appears like sadness is visible in his eyes when he replies, “I don’t side with her, though. I only knew you had a ‘crazy’ ex named Amelia who had left you out of nowhere, but I wasn’t aware of the specifics. Maybe I should have asked, but I don’t often discuss my exes, so I had assumed it was a sore subject. I didn’t mean to make you upset or angry. I had only intended to suggest we put some kindness out in the world for a night. I have long since realized that I overstepped and that it was not my place to suggest she stay with you, as it was your home and I was merely a visitor. She tried to hit on me as soon as we were out of sight, which didn’t sit well with me. You were right,” he says. He continues, “Honestly, have you thought about getting a restraining order? You work in law, and I’m sure you could win the case if you tried. Then I’d be safe from her clutches as well, I hope. Though I haven’t heard from her since I drove away and left her quite literally in the dust.”
For a moment, I feel unable to process everything he said, but then I realize that he doesn’t want to lose me. As a friend. I need to be careful to avoid admitting my feelings.
He shakes his head and starts eating his sweet potatofries. “What have you been up to lately? Other than the one that brought you out here, have you been involved with any interesting cases?”
