He snorted. “All the time. Now spit it out.”
Oh God! Oh God! Bad enough he’d witnessed her lose it—twice in a matter of days—but now he wanted her to put her biggest fears into words. She couldn’t. The truth made her vulnerable. Exposed her weaknesses. Not to him. But to herself.
Her heart pounded. Her lungs constricted. Her muscles tensed and her hands clenched. He waited. Silent and steady. With his gaze focused on her, she had nowhere to hide, and she cracked.
“What if one of you gets hurt because of me?” she cried, tears filling her eyes and blurring her vision. “What if Gray’s injured? Or Chase dies. What if Eve loses Adam, or Summer loses you? What if Maya makes good on her promise to…to…take Jay away from me?
“Yup.” He nodded. “Those are all scary thoughts. But so what?”
“So what?” she squeaked. “What do you mean, so what? Losing one of you would be devastating.”
“To the JTT.”
“What?”
“Devastating to us, our family, the members of the JTT.”
“Oh…um, yeah, devastating to all of you.”
“Because we’re not your family.”
“Right.” She brushed her fingers under her eyes before dropping her gaze to her lap, wishing he would stop while also hoping he wouldn’t.
“But you want us to be, and that’s what terrifies the fuck out of you. Right? You’re happy here, and you’re scared if you let us in, accept us as family, that we’ll die, and it’ll be your fault.”
Her insides too raw and exposed to speak, she kept her head down, pulled her sleeves over her fists, and nodded.
“What happened to you and your parents wasn’t your fault, Becca. What Maya did to Jay wasn’t your fault. And we, the members of the JTT, were in this battle one way or another, long before you arrived. We chose military life and accepted the risks because of who we are. You didn’t choose this for us, and your actions put us in no more danger than we already were. In fact, we’re kinda counting on you to save all our asses.”
He paused, and a heavy silence wrapped around her while he waited for her to meet his gaze. When she finally lifted her eyes, he smiled at her. “I think we’ve clearly established, you’re not your sister, Becca. You have no desire to cause anyone any harm. Not here, and not out there.”
He waved his arm toward the dark windows lining the back of his office as if the world waited beyond the thick pane of glass, and they weren’t surrounded by a thousand acres of forest in every direction.
“But you’re also not alone anymore, and I understand why that’s terrifying to you. You’ve been through a lot. More than most people could handle in one lifetime. And if panic attacks are the trade-off, so be it. The thing is, though, they don’t have to be. You can learn to manage, reduce, or eliminate them if you have the right mindset and tools.”
And here they were, at the crux of the matter he wanted to discuss. “You want me to talk to someone.”
He nodded. “You need professional help. You can choose any therapist you want, but the JTT has a psychologist who’s ready to talk to you if that’s easier.”
“Doctor Christina,” she said, wiping the corner of her eye with the cuff of her sleeve. “Jay mentioned her earlier.”
“That’s right,” he nodded. “She’s kind, easy to talk to, and she knows her shit. We all benefit from therapy sessions with her, and she’s helped several of us work through some pretty major trauma of our own. You can trust her.”
She grinned despite the heavy subject matter, and the bright lights shining through the moisture coating her eyeballs made the air around Jamie sparkle and shimmer. “So, this is it? The one thing I have to do for you at some future date and time without question or argument?”
“Yep,” he agreed, zero hesitation in his response as he pulled a folded note from the pocket of his pants. “This is Doctor Christina’s emergency number.” He handed her the slip of paper. “I want you to call Nalini tonight to introduce yourself and get the ball rolling. She’ll book you into her regular schedule, or if you prefer, provide a recommendation for another therapist after you speak. Okay?”
“Okay.” She opened the note, looked at the number, and the tidal wave of shame she expected to slam her to the ground didn’t come.
He’d taken it away by letting her know they all needed professional help from time to time. Besides, he wasn’t giving her a choice in the matter. She’d promised to do one thing for him in exchange for his honesty. She owed it to him.
But more than that…
She owed it to herself.
Done waiting for the other shoe to drop, done hiding in the shadows, she wanted to live again, feel again, love again—without fear, and if she managed to control the debilitating panic attacks in the process—even better.
Determination filling her, she straightened her spine, breathed deep, and then let the air out in a slow exhale. She could do this. She would do this. Because she deserved more. She deserved the life she dreamed of. The life?—
