“Do you have your phone on you?” asked Angel.
“No.” In fact, I had no idea where it was. They must have taken my purse when they stuffed me in the van.
Angel typed something on his phone and then handed it to me. It was open to the Google listing for Dickson & Son’s Sugarcakes.
“What am I looking at here?” I’d looked at this page a bajillion times trying to get Google to fix various aspects. At one point they’d said we were only open every Tuesday from 2 a.m. to 2:45 a.m. And then after we went on a podcast to promote the brand, they’d decided to label Dickson & Son’s Sugarcakes as a musical group.
“Check out the reviews,” said Angel. “Their rating plummeted overnight.”
“Oops,” added Diablo.
I scrolled back to the top. “One star average on 34,000 reviews?! Jesus. How did you get so many?” I’d had tobegpeople to leave reviews, and that had only just gotten us past the 100 review mark. I clicked the link and started reading the one-star reviews:
“The cupcakes are okay, but the owner gives off some serious pedophile vibes.”
“Eating these cupcakes made my dick shrink.”
And my personal favorite…
“Dickson & Son’s Sugarcakes taste like they’re made by someone with a small dick.”
They went on and on like that. Pages and pages of insults about Joe and his tiny dick. I was nearly crying from laughing so hard. “You guys,” I said through my laughter. “This is amazing.”
“It was our pleasure,” said Angel. “It was actually pretty fun reading tons of bad reviews for other restaurants to get ideas.”
“I just wanted to firebomb the place,” Diablo said. “But Angel talked me out of it.”
I laughed. Because I was pretty sure he was joking.Maybe?“Seriously, that’s like the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me. How can I ever thank you guys?”
“You can take that dress off and let us fuck you on the buffet table,” said Diablo.
“Excuse me?”Did he seriously just say that?!My heart started hammering against my ribcage. Because…I kind of wanted them to do it. I pressed my thighs together and hoped they didn’t notice. What was happening to me? Oh right…I’m a sex-starved sexual deviant! God, Tanner needed to ask me out and soon before I gave in to my depraved urges.
Diablo just stared at me. “It’s gonna happen sooner or later. No need to delay the inevitable.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes.” He sounded 100% confident in his answer.
Angel cleared this throat. “What Diablo meant to say was that he thinks you’re very beautiful and we’d love to take you out to dinner this weekend. While researching bad reviews we actually came across a few hidden gems that we’ve never tried before.”
I looked back and forth between them.What is this? Some sort of good cop bad cop routine they use to get girls?Diablo would say all sorts of filthy stuff, and then Angel would correct him. A devil and an angel.Weird.But also kind of effective. BecauseI was actually considering going out to dinner with them. I still needed to make Tanner jealous, and… My eyes drifted down to their sweatpants.Seriously, Ash, stop staring at their penises!
“So what do you say?” asked Angel.
“Based on where she’s looking, I’d say it’s a yes.” Diablo gave a very suggestive thrust.
I snapped my eyes back up. It didn’t matter if I wanted to say yes. I couldn’t - we had the Wineflix & Chill launch party on Saturday. “I’m actually busy this weekend.”
“With Ryder?” asked Diablo.
I nodded.
Diablo laughed. “Well, enjoy that while it lasts. Did he invite you back to his place at One57 yet?”
“No. Why?”
“Because after he does, you’re never gonna hear from him again. One and done. That’s how Ryder operates.”
